Growing Up v. 2 – Scratch:

23 Jan

She breezed in like God

Heaven thundered under her big feet

Waking up angels playing in their Derby pens

High up there, but deeply buried in her roots

Were the tails of dragons

Twisting around her hugs

Forcing the last inch

Of sleep into my eyes

And I wish she could

 

Change

 

He breezed in like God

Tellings offs trailed over his shoulder

Flapping teddy bears on his tie

Another letter about educating lice

Clutched in one hand

 

 

 

Thickets of thought entwined with

Babbles of code that assemblies repeated in corridors

Baffling me with his witching voice

 

Change

 

 

They breezed in like God

Swooping their cross wind

 

To mess up their hope of a summer’s day,

Slow motion pictures march over the flat screen

Logged into Newsround

The talk of XBox drones on

Attacking dreams of playtimes

To toughen up future zombies

As the rules of war

 

Change

 

He breezed in like God

Shells un-crunched under tip toes

Eyelids operated by remote

Controlling base urges to tear

Gently perforating her dreams of roots

Held firm inside transparent photoframes

Only she could feel this burglar climb through

Layers of vintage design not ready to

 

Change

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One Response to “Growing Up v. 2 – Scratch:”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

    Massively glad you are part of this show! Your piece was so amazing in say sum thin 5 and so many people contacted me praising it. You are a poet and I am really pleased to see you exploring that with us further.

    Okay, now, onto the poem…

    LOVE
    -I really enjoyed the audience participation of this piece,you went into it really confidently despite the piece still being in development and also I felt it gave the piece a more universal meaning.

    -thoughtful and provocative use of verbs and nouns e.g; breeze do thundered, trailed, flapping, tickets etc.

    -as always from you Bea, I love the use of fantastical imagery looped I with the mundane e.g. the dragon tail and hugs, Newsround, xBox drones etc.

    -it feels important – especially with the word change being at the crux. But the overarching purpose is not clear to me. What is the point overall for this Piece and is there a way you could make this clearer at the end, maybe through an image? I can see your using cyclical language but this doesn’t uncover the end of the journey enough for me…. I think some of the suggestions I have made particularly I relation to character might help you with this.

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not use I understand this line: high up there,but deeply buried in her roots… High up where and what roots? The word roots has so many connotations. I think either cut this line or replace it with a more specific depiction of what you are saying.

    SUGGESTIONS

    Redundancies:
    -your word choices/ phrasing is so strong overall, there are times you are using more words than you need to because the strongest words/lines/phrasing are already doing the work. As a result, I would suggest you cut the following to tighten the piece up; big (from big feet) //

    2. Characters:
    -there is she and my… The protagonist feels like it’s randomly dropped into the story without explaining the relationship to the ‘she’ you previously referred to? Sometimes I brainstorm the characters in my poem and write out the relationship between them and the purpose of them within the context of the overall aims of the poem and then return to editing the piece making sure this is clear and all the characters are needed- try it?

    I hope this has helped, and you will get the chance to get to some of these points.
    Speak soon
    Debris

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