Intake of Breadth 1st draft

25 Jan

Sorry I didn’t share this yesterday – I got shy and it wasn’t ready. I don’t know if it’s too late to perform this at the show, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. 

(Natalie poPOW!)

Intake of Breadth

 

The tip of my tongue

And the words caught

At the back of my throat

Never quite

Meet.

 

I feel like…

 

This world is not as round

As I thought

In my head it was

A fat juicy world

A tangerine

But before I can say so

It melts like marmalade

Between my teeth.

 

I feel like…

 

Up is good, right?

 

He might not be at the top,

He might not be moving up in the world,

Her heart might not soar,

They’re not, in fear of fact, over the moon.

 

Three times a harm

Two times an arm

Once I am.

 

I know I…

 

This is the way the lady stands,

With her legs together,

Smiling, smiling,

Small and quiet,

Small and quiet,

Don’t think, don’t speak,

No, don’t tap your feet.

 

This is the way she…

 

Ladies don’t break a sweat

They perspire.

Nice girls don’t aspire

Or inspire.

They tire.

 

This is the way they…

 

Tamed the girl by

Minimising, generalising, infantilising.

 

Once I had a…

 

Sort of Doubling, an

Out of Body

Experience.

Not dryness, or drab grey,

A brilliant, shimmering,

An extra-self.

This is Woman.

 

She, I say, she tore her stocking on a shard of glass

Walking where she should be

Looking up attentively.

She strides on,

Along the canal of her

Thick blue veins.

 

Printed up her thigh

Is dainty text

That she cannot read

Some fairy tale, or wedding vow,

Or marriage contract.

 

I thought that…

 

She would shed her skin

Tear off her panty hose

And emerge with scales

Like sleek, golden silk?

 

That skin, I see, curls in on itself

Like an unfinished

Death sentence. 

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One Response to “Intake of Breadth 1st draft”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    Hi Natalie,

    Firstly, thank you for putting this up! Secondly, will you be performing this in the scratch show (please face)?

    Either way, here is some feedback for you, and also some links to some of the key editing material we have online… https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/ // https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/15-points-to-editing-success/

    So, to the poem…

    LOVE
    -some nice subtle, personal twists on familiar phrases/ ides in this, for example, this works is not as rounds as I thought // I feel like up is good right? //

    -some great specific images going on here; a fat juicy world, a tangerine // stocking line.

    -I like the way you animate and push your metaphors forward e.g. It melts like marmalade between my teeth – also constantly bringing it back to the narrators experience so that the audience stays with the thread of the poem.

    -interesting choices of positioning rhymes and line breaks in this section – Three times a hard / two times an arm

    -like the whole section about the lady standing: very nice use of line breaks… I feel like you read! Because these line breaks feel intuitive.

    -from the stocking, this poem really comes into it’s own and I suddenly knew what you were saying and connected with it and was behind it, amazing ending, and great build towards it, my feedback below is definitely more weighted towards the beggining because I think the ending is pretty much there!

    SUGGESTIONS
    The title:
    -if you do a little searching on the blog you will find a post I made I the different purposes of a title, have a look at these because I think your title could be achieving a lot more than it currently is. After reading this make a short list of 10 titles, then you can go back to them after editing your poem again. I even set up Facebook voting polls sometimes to choose the right one hehe.

    2. Cliches:
    -there is no other Natalie Popow- you have a unique set of experiences And perspectives and I want to see those in your poems! So when I spot a cliche, a warn out phrase any person could use to describe a myriad of this, I want to challenge you to ask yourself – what do I really mean? To brainstorm alternative metaphors,similies and images… To put each word in the thesaurus and come up with an alternative more accurate to what you are describing! So, on that notes I am going to challenge you to change the following; tip of my tongue, the words caught at the back of my throat, her heart might not soar,

    3. Characters:
    -he and she come in later in the poem without warning and it is unclear what their relationship is to the narrator, is thee a way you can make this clearer from the beginning or with a contextual introduction, even a name? Sometimes I brainstorm the characters in my poem and write out the relationship between them and the purpose of them within the context of the overall aims of the poem and then return to editing the piece – try it?

    4. Specificity,
    -I would really like some specific images or examples to replace these three big words; minimising, generalising, infantilising.

    I hope this is helpful and doesn’t feel too much like the deep end on your first poem!

    Speak soon
    Debris

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