Ss6 scratch show draft (neal

26 Jan

This seems like my millionth draft. I finnaly realised what and I wanted to do this piece it’s about someone who’s a person who’s a poisoness presence but your spellbound and can’t get out and who you finally do you miss them but realise they are no good for you.feedback very much welcome thanks Neal

you destroyed me right from the very start
your loving but lying nature
grabbed me by the horns
I felt trapped
But I was loving feeling so close
To someone
we got on well
Too well
I thought I got away once
We crawled back to each other
realising we where missing each other
missing the way we
Talked to each other
Called each other
Penguin
held each other close
Like Nobody had before
went to the zoo
thought it was the best day ever
even in a rainy march
kissed like
We invented the art of kissing
cuddled like we invented the art of drinking
And drank like we just discovered what rum was
told each other our deepest darkest
Secrets
skyped each other silly impressions
One day
My brain woke up
From being poisoned by
You
it was hang on
you are just leading
My owner
In big circles
circles that
You never want to
Break
Because you
Know you can’t
live without him
But he after awhile will live without you
Very easily
so you quickly realised
And worked your dark
Magic again
the brain got wise and woke up quicker
This time
And
left
We could of had a great life
Together
But I’m better alone
Without
You
Missing you
But without
You
still in a cocoon
That
Will one day
Be a butterfly

 

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3 Responses to “Ss6 scratch show draft (neal”

  1. mouthypoets January 27, 2014 at 10:04 am #

    I heard this for the first time on Friday and enjoyed listening. Firstly, in terms of the opening ‘you destroyed me right from the very start, your loving but lying nature grabbed me by the horns, I felt trapped’ immediately poses the questions – how were you destroyed? What happened?
    Is there an alternative way you could still say ‘grabbed me by the horns’ that is more specific to your experience with this person? I really want to hear more details about the relationship – like when you reference the fact you would call each other ‘Penguin’, this works because it’s unique.I want more of this.
    Could you share some of your ‘deepest darkest secrets’? Even if it’s just one you chose to share?
    I like the closing image of the cocoon because it suggests you’re still not ready for the reality of the end of the relationship but will eventually surpass it by transforming ‘one day’ into a ‘butterfly’, nice.

    Cleo

  2. Matt January 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm #

    Firstly, cracking opening line, I think
    In fact, the first half I like very much.
    The line breaks are cleverly used, particularly on the ‘Called each other
    Penguin’ bit, that was very nicely done.

    I agree with Cleo that the grabbing by the horns line isn’t quite there – I feel its along the right lines in terms of the image you’re after as it gets that sense of entrapment, but maybe you could work around the cliche of taking a bull by the horns, rework it somehow?

    The whole poem feels like a very honest account and has a natural pattern of speech to it, which I like. I agree again that ‘deepest darkest secrets’ could be replaced with something more concrete.

    But as I say, generally, I think the first half’s very good, up to ‘my brain woke up from being poisoned by you’ – after this you seem to slip into a slightly stilted second person voice and I wonder why? It disrupts the sense of immediate honesty. For example ‘you know you can’t live without him’ – why is it not ‘you’ rather than ‘I’? I’d say stick to the first person throughout.

    But I’m better alone
    Without
    You
    Missing you
    But without
    You
    still in a cocoon
    That
    Will one day
    Be a butterfly

    I like that bit, cos it’s back in first person. Just watch for where it slips in the middle 🙂

    Matt

  3. hayleygreen89 January 30, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    Hey, I really like the raw honesty in this. I agree with Matt about the slipping into second person – that’s where it threw me.

    Also the line:

    you are just leading
    My owner
    In big circles

    I’m not sure what it means – I understand the feeling of this relationship going round in circles but I don’t know who ‘my owner’ is – maybe a metaphor might work here – I’m now imagining (relating to the horns bit) a bull being lead around a pen in circles – might be totally out there.

    kissed like
    We invented the art of kissing
    cuddled like we invented the art of drinking
    – do you mean drinking or cuddling at the end here? The drinking leads onto the next line but I think you mean cuddling.

    I think you’ve got the bones of a really good poem here by the way, very relateable – especially if you put those cute things in like called each other penguin.

    Hope that’s helpful and not confusing. Hayley x

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