Hayley Green – Commission – New draft

27 Jan

Hey, here is a new edit of my poem. This one I would like feedback on please 🙂

Run time: at the moments 2 minutes but will be lengthier when I work out performance.

 

Sins of Nature

 

A bigger average

of domesticated rams

are gay compared to

the human population;

Yet there’s still fixation

on sexual orientation

as a sin of nature.

 

Nature’s understanding

is greater than ours –

One mind

enforced mindless laws,

depicted men as sheep

and women as whores.

 

We’re more advanced than species before us

so why aren’t apes starting wars?

We can stop sodomy laws

and move forwards

if we stop living by books

that tell us fairy stories.

 

Same sex penguins

raise chicks together in zoos,

but human chicks

can’t share a kiss

without being abused.

 

Kissing birds don’t mock,

they sing love songs through trees

but we shout dyke across clubs,

beating queens until they bleed.

 

We stand and watch

as humans throw chewing gum

at hair for being too pink.

Flamingos don’t fling shit

in feathers for being too gay –

they don’t assign colours to anatomy.

 

Lesbians no longer wear pink

‘cause the first girl they smiled at

stole their vagina with their kiss;

Paraded it around the school yard –

fresh meat and a spicy dip

for the boys to test their chips before

 

raping their way through populations,

populations trampled by homophobic revolution,

revolution against governments

polluted by homosexuals of the state

that won’t hesitate

to bury truths in the snow –

the way penguins bury their heads

 

But the revolution is upon us

and animals are out of the closet!

 

No more correction therapists,

witch hunting or pillaging,

or flushing heads down toilets

spouting footnotes about religion.

 

No more comments about

penetrating straight into our heads –

it’s our choice who we let between our legs.

We’re not a sin, we’re not a waste

and this is not the time to try and taste

the rainbow through our face.

 

No more tripping over partner

when we actually mean girlfriend,

Parent’s telling us it’s just a trend

one day we’ll be normal again.

 

Let us lock lips

because the sheep aren’t bleating

pecca conta naturam.

We’re the smartest species

so stop all this ignorance.

 

If we’re no longer evolving

then we’re slipping into reverse.

Why not put us back in the jungle –

at least there

no one called us perverse.

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4 Responses to “Hayley Green – Commission – New draft”

  1. Ste February 5, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

    Hi Hayley

    I’m really a fan of this poem. I enjoy the sins of nature concept and think you’ve really got your point across well with it. I’m excited to see how you perform it at SST6. Here are two things that stood out for me, though:

    – referencing religious texts as “fairy stories”/telling people to “stop listening” to them. [Correct me if I’m wrong, but] With this poem you sincerely want to convince people of the ridiculousness of homophobia. I think you are doing a really good job of that, except for this line. This is what I would call an attack line, ironically somewhat dogmatic. I think the best way to make people see your way of thinking is just to lay out your beliefs, not attack theirs. For arguments sake lets say a Christian is watching you perform: They’ve really taken in the first few points and are appreciating the poem, then, smack; they hear the shot at religion and are agitated or roll their eyes and switch off for the rest of the piece. It’s important to remember that whilst not all religious people are homophobic, your line there may be likely to offend all religious people. If you aren’t too bothered by that then by all means keep it in – I just got the impression you want this poem to be more than just a rant, and I don’t want it to be taken that way if so.

    – “before raping their way through populations” to the bit about burying heads in the snow seemed a little cluttered. By then too many images were going on for me and I kind of lost what the point was in that little section? It felt very serious so I don’t want to miss what the point was, but I did. I re-read it a couple of times, but the SST6 audience will only hear it once – is there a more concise image you could use there? Is it an expendable image?

    Just some things to think about! Love the rest.

    • hayleygreen89 February 7, 2014 at 2:33 pm #

      Thanks Ste – I’ll take a look at this tonight – you’ve actually picked out the two weak spots.

  2. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    Hi Hayley,

    Firstly, thank you for being a genuinely amazing management and education intern and constantly supporting me. Your making my life a lot easier right now, and I really appreciate your your support especially whilst I am away. Hope my feedback on their piece is helpful as I know you have put a lot of work into it. I also think it’s worth putting on your list to look at me mentoring you in how to give this level of feedback if uh at is something your intersted in as part of your internship?

    LOVE
    -that this is an important poem they you are passionate about and the research you have out in is so clear and educational for an audience, I want it to bring on revelations and I believe it had the potential too – as a result I think working out how you deliver this is going to be so interesting and I would really like to see you challenging your natural rhythm and see some of the passion behind this come out uncontrollably?!!

    -you have packed so much in there and the poem really is 95% there! it’s really just an
    Bout cutting away the good from the amazing and giving the amazing the space it needs to state it’s case and change the world.

    -the strongest elements for me is where you really seamlessly link the movement of the animals with that of humans e.g; love songs through trees / dyke across clubs // throwing chewing gum / throwing shit // colours for anatomy line etc…

    -I like the way you use the animal examples of a way over uncovering the rediculoueness of the situation, I think playing with pitch and a sense of utter shock in performance will be really interesting! Start okay playing now!

    -raping their way through populations – this really changes the tone of the poem in an important way.

    -really like the ending and the build to it, there is going to be a amen moment st the end for sure and I want you to feel the empowerment and venting that this ending deserves!

    QUESTIONS:
    -not sure I understand the second the second stanza?
    -I also don’t understand the vague stanza, my 1 suggestion below might help you clear this up.

    SUGGESTIONS
    Line breaks and stanzas /vs/ redundancies:
    -I know you have done a lot if work on the form of this piece, so I am saying this tentatively, but I want to encourage you to at every stanza as a unit of meaning; an image, an event, a tone – each new stanza changes the event, meaning, image or tone and looking at line breaks a highlighting elements on these. This enables you to cut out repetition, tighten up images, reorder sentences and ask yourself – what do I actually mean here or what is the most important point in this unit? Is this unit important at all. My example below should be interesting because I am editing it with my knowledge but being guided by what I think is happening – what you are currently telling me through the words…

    More rams are gay than humans.
    Yes sexual orientation is still stabbed
    As a sin against nature…

    Countries enforce mindless laws.
    Men – sheep. Women – whores.
    We’re the advanced species

    But apes aren’t starting wars?
    We can stop sodomy laws.
    Stop listening to fairy tale books.

    Start watching same sex penguins
    raise chicks together in zoos.
    Whilst same sex humans lips are slit, bruised.

    -I have really focused on getting the points of your argument down to the minimum words because your points are strong and important and they should be like jabs to the stomach- sharp 3 line stanzas with every word refined with a thesaurus, give it a go? And really think about your audience as a blank canvas, is each point in your argument clear to someone who has done no research?

    Really enjoyed this and cannot wait to see it played with on stage as you might tell from my feedback! Well done!

    Debris

    • hayleygreen89 February 7, 2014 at 3:05 pm #

      Great I’ll give it a go. Thanks Debs. And yes I really want and need to learn how to give in depth feedback.

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