Ingrid, SST6, Scratch, Second Draft

29 Jan

Coffee is bitter but for some reason my buttercup rim is clasped by lips that want it.
It seems that those terracotta lips only want things that are no good.
She replaces guava sweet dreams with artificial awakeness.
Well as a mug, what do I know?
My only use is to cuddle liquids for you.

Coffee is grown just like it is growing on me,
I think that I want a new job.
I wish I was a coffee grinder,
Then I could taste coffee all day long

Coffee tastes better on other people’s lips,
I enjoy it now, unbelievably much so.
But what do I know I’m a mug.
You know, we get hungry sometimes,
I’d love for you to try to make cake in a cup
I like cake.

I’ll watch everything outside as I hang from this mug tree,
Watching branches claw at the freed monsters, protecting you at night,
I really want to help them; I want my tree to claw along with them.
Metal trees are boring.
I enjoy watching them so much,
I’d love to feel some breeze myself, just a bit of winter breeze.
But mugs aren’t allowed luxuries like that.

The truth is I really need her
I would have no purpose without her,
No one would kiss me good night after filling me with warm chocolate.
Then morning comes after you have blest me with instant joy beans
I will sit staring out of the window at perspective sharp enough to inject the sky.
Maybe with collagen that keeps it looking so great all the time
Oh Tetley blue sky thank you for winter mornings

Also I’m sorry on behalf of the coffee that burnt her cut this morning
It told me to mention
I figured out why she likes coffee so much,
Drugs are like fire exits.
Something that lets us escape from the inferno that our lives inflict,
Keeping her mind singing about her secret curiosities
Ensuring that her monsters get their way some times

Teaspoon tells me that he offered her marijuana but never offered her crisps,
I guess it’s because their monsters are friends and hers told his exactly what it wanted.
Some part of her must be decisive.
Because the universe is expanding from belly laughs
At people who think that think that they can get what they want by doing nothing.

Now she had opened up parts of her mind that she isn’t used to,
And I am getting used to the life I have,
And the secrets I hear
That impossible boy is easier to understand
I’d love to pass the message on you know.
He’ll be happy that he’s fixing her.

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One Response to “Ingrid, SST6, Scratch, Second Draft”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm #

    Ingrid, they your voice is growing is unreal! I think about WEYA, and now and I am jealous of the progression you have undertaken. Your sense of self and your understanding of sophisticated poetry is unreal, I really hope you keep writing even when you go off to Uni or move away from Nottingham because the world of writing deserves you as much as you deserve it!

    LOVE
    -the whole concept.

    -the use of humour, the way you drop “I’m a mug” love it, works both in performance and on the page and I am really interested to see how you play around with this!

    -great innovation of verbs; cuddle,

    -great personification of the mug; cake line // mug tree //

    -the double meaning of mug immediately gives the poem a double meaning, that juxtaposed with your melancholic reading Style pushes people to read a deeper meaning into an otherwise light hearted poem which I love love love in poetry.

    -I love the loving relationship between mug and owner, it feels really tender and when I am reading it I hear the words your voice.

    -the way you talk about coffee as a drug feels very profound – it has a universal importance.

    -basically I am really enjoying the expanded metaphors throughout!

    SUGGESTIONS
    Form and concision:
    -your images are so strong and unique they deserve space on use page and sometimes you can get was away with using less words because your already doing so much work with what you have. The key method I have to achieve this using set stanzas and line breaks. Look at every stanza as a unit of meaning; am image, an event, a tone – each new stanza changes the event, meaning, image or tone and looking at line breaks a highlighting elements on these. This enables you to cut out repetition, tighten up images, reorder sentences and ask yourself – what do I actually mean here or what is the most important point in this unit? Is this unit important at all. My example below should be interesting because I am editing it with my knowledge but being guided by what I think is happening – what you are currently telling me through the words…

    Coffee is bitter, bit for some reason my lips
    clasp the buttercup rim.Those terracotta lips
    only want what’s not good. Replacing guava
    dreams with artificial awareness.

    Well, as a mug, what do I know?
    My only use – to cuddle liquids for you.
    Coffee growing from me. I want a new job.
    I wish I was a coffee grinder.

    -so I challenge you to try this 4 line stanza form cut out any repetition and tighten up your sentences. It’s all there it’s just about making sure you need every word.

    2. Characters
    -I am not sure what the relationship between her and the narrative is, it is a bit confusing at the beginning because it seems like you are drinking out of the mug the you become the mug,maybe you could make that differentiation a bit clearer throughout, there is also an I, her, you and a boy and the relationship between them isn’t clear. Maybe draw a diagram of the different characters in huge poem and the relationship between the then just bullet point the action of the poem I.e, stanza = the mug is introduced to coffee and her owner becomes addicted … Etc. Then edit each slightly to make sure that is clear, I am talking tiny changes because this poem really is 95% there for SST.

    Debris

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