Second draft of my Poem- Pegah :)

29 Jan

I have made some small changes, I hope that it sounds better 🙂

 

I’m a kind of girl that gets attached easily, 

A type of girl that translates I love you to I like you, 

A type of girl that cry’s over a hi or a bye, 

A type of girl that would cover her self in paint to paint her dream, 

A girl with big dreams and an empty heart,

A girl whose always talking but shes never been heard, 

A girl who never left her heart open because it hurt her 

too much to say goodbye. 

She never understood the ’connection’ they had, 

She never misunderstand their ’feelings’. 

Her memory was lost every time she didn’t speak up, 

Every time she tried to remember, 

Every time she had her eyes open 

like it was the sun blinding her every time she tried to look up. 

She was loosing hope, 

loosing him, 

loosing every memory of her and him. 

She felt like she was the one to blame. 

He brought tears and pain with his voice,

He brought life and death with his actions,

It bruised her lungs,

Stopped her breathing,

Tightened her veins,

And reversed the blood back through her flesh,

Drowning in every breath in between ,  

She was was left crying inside. 

She was the never endless heart beats that kept him alive. 

She was the type of girl that got attached easily,

The type of girl that never tried to understand because she was too scared

The type of girl that Covered herself in paint to remember her dreams.

She was the one to blame.

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One Response to “Second draft of my Poem- Pegah :)”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    Hi Pegah,

    I know it’s a mad busy time for your set college, so I hope your okay and I will see you soon? Really glad and proud that you’re still hitting deadlines and making time to write, got a bit of last minute feedback for you, hope it’s helpful…

    LOVE
    -the clear imagery and ever day references laced with original ideals; crying over Hugh or bye/ soaking yourself in paint/ bruised lungs/ reversed blood/

    -the overarching movement of use piece, the way you have used the line breaks feels in line with the emotional process of the narrator – feels like you are reading more and that knowing where to break a line is becoming more instinctive for you.

    -the use of the cyclical structure is really strong – finishing where you started, it makes the opening and penultimate line really stick into your mind. It is so strong in fact I am wondering if there is a way we could build the current end line into it? E.g.

    The type of girl that covered herself in paint draw her dreams
    Even when they worth remembering. Maybe she was the one to blame?

    …or something like that?

    SUGGESTIONS
    Cutting / redundancies.
    you have some crazy strong lines in here, so much so that I think you can afford to cut come out to give the strongest lines space to shine and be taken in my your audience. For example, I would cut out the first to lines and start the poem with…
    I’m the kind of gilt that cries over hi or bye.
    That covers herself in paint to draw her dreams.

    Notice I have also tried to cut out as many words as possible whilst still retaining imagery, I want to really challenge you to be brutal with your cutting because it’s all in here it just needs tightening (to remind youself of these skills maybe revise these exercises we have done before – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/ // https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/15-points-to-editing-success/ other lines I would suggest cutting; she never misunderstand their feelings //’

    2. Thesaurus
    -like I say, it’s all in there and this gives you the opportunity to out every word in the thesaurus and make sure you have chosen the best, most rhythmic for your poem; do you cover yourself in paint or soak yourself or roll yourself or drown yourself in paint? Each have slightly different tones and add a layer of impact to the poem, other words I would encourage you to play with in this way; big, empty, open, hurt, say, lost, speak,

    3. Specificity
    -how is she loosing him? Try replacing that section with examples, she is forgetting the smell of the toast he makes her, she is loosing the creases in the shirts he washed for her… Give me a specific example or image instead of telling me how you feel. Likewise, how did he bring tears and pain, I want you to SHOW me specific examples instead of telling me.

    I hope this has been helpful and supportive and won’t be too much work on top of college!

    See you soon
    Debris

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