Georgina Bambi’s final -ish edit

30 Jan

Once plush green ploomage,

laid dank and black.

Choked it’s last breath

at the brink of swamp scum,

now vined corpses, for magits and mites

to rip and swallow down in

anguished insecurity.

No Jazz, or dancing bees.

No green leaf in sight.

Deceit, as simple woodland.

 

When the wind was right,

the scent of wet bark would

tap, tap, at my window,

creep through the cracks

and hand me an envelope.

‘You’re invited.’      

 

They said the bird of death

lived there.

Had plucked out

the eyes of its mother

and worn them as jewels

around its ankles,

to impose one last glint

of fear into the vole,

as it swooped and ripped

it from the soil.

 

They said i shouldn’t

play there, said I’d find myself

in pieces, said I’d be listening

to world through the muffled

underbelly of whichever maggot

had taken my ears. Said,

I’d be trapped in a restless crevice

under some tree somewhere, said

I’d be trapped. Said, I’d be trapped.

 

But i still did.

I did and i did and i didn’t

listen to their don’ts

and found pellets and

packets and bundles of bones.

Each time i took them home.

Fur and beaks and teeth

and stories. Legs and tails

and broken homes

were all tied up inside.

 

There, my father’s pale skin,

my mother’s coarse hair,

I stretched them out across

the floor boards,

pinned and glued for curation.

I saw then; Self portrait

as an owl.

 

No longer was this a mass

for something foreign,

but a mass for something

familiar.

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6 Responses to “Georgina Bambi’s final -ish edit”

  1. mouthypoets January 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm #

    Really like this :).love the gothic /fairly tale esque vibe to it very strong metaphors too .neal

  2. Matt January 30, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

    Love it. Reminds me of ‘Little Red Cap’ by Carol-Ann-Duffy but darker and more surreal.
    The shape of the sounds of the words in the first stanza is so harsh, its great – read it aloud and it’s really cutting and aggressive with all those d’s and ch’s and sc’s.

    The only line I took issue with was ‘in anguished insecurity’ – it seems like too obvious a sign post – nowhere else in the poem do you use this abstract construct – all of your abstract nouns are used within other images, as adjectives, mostly –

    For example – ‘I’d be trapped in a restless crevice’ is lovely –

    So ‘in anguished insecurity’ flags up for me as too easy, because the rest of the poem simply describes what is going on – This happened. This happened. Then this happened – and lets the language do the work. That’s why I think it’s so strong. Because you don’t go for the easy value judgments. It really, really works.

    Also, I feel the sound of ‘anguished insecurity’ is too soft and breaks up those nice harsh sounds I was talking about.

    So yeah – love it love it love it. But lose that line. That’s what I’d say 🙂

    Matt

  3. mouthypoets January 31, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

    Thank you so much Matt you’re feed back was really helpful! I’ll look at it today and see what people suggest as a replacement or edit for it, if u have any suggestions as well i’d love to hear them! 😀 George x

  4. Anne January 31, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

    Great! Can you flip last stanza in before second to last though? It seems an abrupt, almost didactic statement where it is… or maybe you can split it and put the line about a ‘mass for something foreign’ in earlier and save ‘mass for something familiar’ for later?

    • Ste February 5, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

      Really dig the imagery you’ve put into this George; it feels like you’ve worked really hard on getting stuff in and I tell you it’s paying of in some succulent stanzas.

      Just playing around with what Anne has said there, here’s a potential re-jig of the ending I’ve spotted and liked:

      No longer was this a mass
      for something foreign.
      There; my father’s pale skin;
      my mother’s coarse hair.
      I stretched them out across
      the floor boards,
      pinned and glued for curation.
      I saw then – Self portrait
      as an owl – a mass
      for something familiar.

      What do you think? I think as Anne has said, splitting the repetition of “a mass for…” out by just a few lines really accentuates it’s resonance.

  5. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    Hi George,

    Feels like I haven’t seen you a lot in the past few months, I hope your well?! IT IS CRAZY how your poetry has evolved over the past few years it feels like you are really growing a sense of voice, whilst maintaining your love and passion for animals 😉

    So, say sum thin and your poem…

    LOVE
    -really interesting word choices, that leave me curious and intrigued; dank, plush, tap, plucked, glint, stretched etc.

    -A very lyrical and whimsical yet dark series of images, that feel very immersive and surreal. I really enjoy this style of writing.

    -some interesting hints to a bigger picture; deceit, as a dark woodland // as I swooped and ripped it from the soil // they said I shouldn’t play there // trapped keels tales crevices // every time I took them home // there my fathers pale skin //. .. I would love to see more of these which is something I have picked up I in my one suggestion challenge to you.

    SUGGESTIONS
    So what?
    -this is a question we have to ask ourselves a lot as poets, and performers who want other people to rep from out work. There is no doubt this piece is beautiful, and intricate and intriguing, but what is the bigger meaning that people can take away with them? You have found all this stuff you were not supposed to find, and made a self portrait of an owl from it, what does that mean, what have you discovered? What has changed? //What journey have you been on that other people can connect with? Maybe a freewrite explaining this would help you pin that down, and drawing a diagram of use different characters and images I this poem and what they represent to you?

    Then I think really it’s about clearing that realisation up a bit in the beginning and the end? We are talking really small details here that elude to a bigger picture of what this is a metaphors for- your relationship with your family? Finding love out of broken feelings? Not everyone has found bags of an animal in their garden but this stands for something they can relate to, so elude to that!

    I hope this is helpful as I know you have been putting a lot of work into this piece!?
    Debris

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