Ss6 scratch piece neal

30 Jan

nearly there I think rewrote a very large piece of this poem had a interesting night with it last night the person I written about saw it on tumblr and said it’s a hate a poem that threw me abit but I’m determind to get this right (neal) can’t think of a title yet 

 

Staring at my phone
Every 5 seconds
For a text
When it arrived
I wanted
To throw my phone
Out of the window and
Jump out along with it
You
grabbed me by my
Feet
I felt trapped
I couldn’t
Waddle away
Quick
Enough
But I was loving feeling so close
To someone
we got on well
Too well
I thought I got away once
We waddled back to each other
realising we where missing each other
missing the way we
Talked to each other
Called each other
Penguin
had penguin stuffed
Toys
Named after
Each other
Penguins mate
For life
But this pair
I’m a lone penguin
We
held each other close
Like Nobody had before
went to the zoo
thought it was the best day ever
even in a rainy march
kissed like
We invented the art of kissing
cuddled like we invented the art of cuddling
And drank like we just discovered what rum was
Walked around
Places like we owned them
And spilled
Every detail of our lives to each other
no matter what we
Found out about
Each
We still loved
Each other
skyped each other silly impressions
One day
I woke up
And realised
I was being
Poisoned
By Empty promises
And needed
To change
I was becoming a shell
Of my former self
Destroyed
By you
I couldn’t
Leave
I should
Have listend
To my friends
Years ago
Not my heart
My heart
Misled me
It fooled me
and thought
I wanted
To
Be with
You
Forever
The gifts
Where just
Bait
To keep me
There
In your
Vicious grasp
I’m going to
Miss the
Good things we had
but sometimes
You need
To move on
I’m not there yet
oneday I will be
But I’m better alone
Without
You
Missing you
But without
You
still in a cocoon
That
Will one day
Be a butterfly

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2 Responses to “Ss6 scratch piece neal”

  1. Anne January 31, 2014 at 2:12 pm #

    You’ve taken out the line about the phone being in your pocket like a snake – and I liked that line – but I think the sparsity of this version works really well. You say exactly what you want to say. Maybe you could say you’ve wrapped yourself up in a cocoon as protection? So when you;re ready you can come out as a butterfly?
    I don’t think you need to say ‘vicious grasp’ because up until that point it wasn’t about hate, and if you removed the word vicious or replaced it it would not be a hate poem but a poem describing how you feel.
    I also think that how you perform this will have an effect on the poem too – so play with that.

  2. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

    Hi Neal,

    Really glad to finally sit down with this piece as I feel like I have seen 100 versions flick up! You clearly have been working hard! I am interested to know how the person who read this took it and how that effected you, as this brings up the question – what do you want this poem to achieve? Is it for you, them or your audience? This is such an important question because the answer to it enables you to know when a poem is done! Next time you are tempted to edit this, maybe instead freewrite about what you are trying to achieve with this? I find this can really help me.

    Also I am aware we haven’t had the chance to discuss what you want to achieve here and you haven’t been to that many sessions so I would encourage you to write up any questions for our 1-1 where you think my feedback is misguided or unhelpful for you and also encourage you to do the exercises/read in these editing sheets to help you edit all work in the future – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/ // https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/15-points-to-editing-success/

    Now, to the poem…

    LOVE
    -the beginning is really strong, great balance of specificity, severity and humour.
    -the way you build the movement of the image at the beggining is really engaging; the way she grabs you by the foot after you have following your phone out the window – amazing.
    -some really strong imagery in here,me I really enjoy the recurring references to technology and animals, they created something really concrete to hold on to; I’m a lone penguin// skyped each other silly impressions // the guys were just bait.

    -really interesting use of line breaks and free-verse, I find it really intriguing and am curious as to how this guides you when you perform. I am really excited to see how your going to play with this in future poems because it feels like your doing something really interesting with this one.

    SUGGESTIONS
    Word choices;
    -you have some amazing word choices in there; waddle, stuffed, poisoned etc. Which makes me want to challenge some of the easier words you have chosen. Get out the thesaurus and ask yourself if there are more accurate/original options for the following words, maybe thinking about how you could link them more into your animal images for some; talked, held, close, walked, owned, empty promises, shell, destroyed, mislead, fooled.

    2. Redundancies (see exercises in link above);
    -you have a couple moments where you Tell me the same point you are already showing me, keep the showing and cut the telling. I would challenge/cut the following lines; I feel trapped // but I was loving feeling so close… (Up to) … Too well. // thought it was the best day ever // whatever we found out about each other we still loved each other //

    I hope this has been some kind of helpful!?
    Debris

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