Bree SST6 3rd Draft Commission Show

1 Feb

Here’s my third draft. Feedback points are:

  • Where are the clichés?
  • I’ve crammed quite a lot of words into some of the lines – which ones could do with cutting down without losing the essence of what I’m trying to say?
  • Overall, does it flow or are parts of it a bit jarring?

I’ll start giving some feedback to others from tomorrow

🙂

Running time: approx. 3 mins

Yellow Love

Love isn’t red for everyone. Or for me, all of the time.
On it’s own, Red Love is hard and cracks like a forgotten riverbed – I have enough in me already.
Yellow Love that shines in the darkest places – that’s what I want.

Red Love crept into my heart wearing a camouflage coat,
Hiding his counterfeit currency, pretending to know about me and love and loving me.
He sang songs of our symmetry but then knocked at my door to tell me to keep the music down.
Tried to tuck me into his heart – I couldn’t breathe.

Everyone has their own melody and a different way to dance –
I didn’t realise I’d gone from jazz swing to dancing like everyone was watching to see if I fell over.
Giving out little parts of myself like desperate gifts in exchange for love,
Letting time crumble away from my fingertips into wells filled with tears and mistaken beliefs.

I would catch glimpses of myself in other people’s questioning eyes –
Questioning why I was wasting my life on a man whose chief purpose was to abuse.
Words would stagger and tumble out from my mouth like a newborn foal when I tried to express my views –
Tried to speak to him about why I couldn’t remember how to dance anymore.
But his fully-formed rhetoric would spit out insults like I needed to be told how thick I was

Dragging our feet to a dirge – I don’t know why he tried to keep me for so long.
I swear, sometimes he thought I was asleep –
Stood behind me in front of the mirror, pulling faces, not realising I could see
That his mask had slipped to reveal toxic vapours underneath.

It took more than a moment to leave, clinging onto an idea of the colour of love and trying to make it fit with the truth.
But it wasn’t enough to stay – just because I didn’t like the way lonely sounded against my skin.
I ran away in the end, from a man with dry eyes and a sneer wider than his smile ever was.
Couldn’t keep hold of dusty regrets, so I swept them from my heart –
His echo a faded reflection of bitter sentiments that I only hear in the dark sometimes.

Revolutions of the earth chasing the sun changed me.
Stretching out my limbs I begin to write my dance back into my body again –
A 360 degree turn back into me.
I sing who I am, my broken voice weaving tapestries decorated with realness and dreams.
You see beauty without finer things to veil me, I see you taking tentative steps into the breach.
So I trip the light around my shadows to get near – Yellow Love reflecting a rainbow through tears.

We speak in moments that no one else can hear, like we are the only ones who have seen the stars.
Whispers in my ear light campfires in my mind, healing scars and breathing life into hollow bones.
You tap dance on my heart, my soul plays funk to you –
And you keep turning up the volume to hear every note of my tune.
Kisses at midnight take my hearts heavy bruises, turning them into armour.
Armed with Amber we are warriors – dancing in the rain.

Words to hurt are illusions that fade with rhyme and reason. Rainbows are real.

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One Response to “Bree SST6 3rd Draft Commission Show”

  1. mouthypoets February 7, 2014 at 12:17 am #

    Hi Bree,

    Debris here, firstly I want to say thank you, because I feel like I am constantly seeing you out of the corner of my eye – doing things that terrify you. After performing in front of 500 peeps at sst5 it feels like you are stepping into your identity as a poet and that beautiful to see. I also really appreciated your reading of this piece on Friday, I found it very moving and respect that couldn’t have been easy. Thank you.

    Now, to the poem!

    LOVE
    -amazing first line, original, intriguing and could be read in a lot of different ways despite feeling very concrete.

    -it’s all there, it feels really whole with a cry strong identity. Which is saying a lot considering how little time you have spent at mouthy! Very impressed.

    -lovely subtle uses of poetic techniques; crept/camouflage/coat, counterfeit/currency,

    -great personification of the colour, especially through specificity,e.g. Keeping the music down // tucking you in //

    -love the foal image I remember that from your reading on Friday. Amazing.

    -the whole sleeping stanza is so impactful and emotional, the word choices and concept really hits you in the chest, both on the page and in performance.

    -nice the way you bring in colour at the end, gives a real visceral sense of conclusion.

    -the concept of writing dance back into your body is beautiful.

    -I think the penultimate line is really strong, could you cut the last line and edit the penultimate one to read…
    “Armed with Amber we are warriors -dancing in rainbow rain.” Or something like that so the rainbow is incorporated into this image?

    SUGGESTIONS
    1.cutting & form;
    -I feel like you could use less words, especially because overall your phrases and ideas are so strong they deserve to be isolated and highlighted with line breaks and stanzas. So I want to challenge you to break the poem into 2 line stanzas with similar line lengths…

    Love isn’t red for everyone.
    Or for me, all the time.

    Red is hard, cracks like a forgotten
    river bed – I’m full of red already.

    Yellow love shines in the dark.
    That’s what I want.

    But red crept in
    wearing a camouflage coat.

    Look at how I have compressed images, cut repeated words and kept to the strongest images. It is rare you can have a poem with such intensity that couplets works but I think you have something really strong here. Give it a go, even if you don’t stick to the for I think it will help you cut out some redundancies and tighten up the content.

    2. Meaning?
    -there is one section where you loose me- “giving out little parts of myself … Mistaken beliefs” I think the sudden jump from colour to music adds to this confusion… Is there a way of clarifying the jump between colour, music and this feeling of judgement? Could the colours represent the music and the judgement be part of the dancing to the wrong music? I think you just need to bullet point out separately the movement here and how you want to take the reader / audience from one thing to another – what is the connection?

    I hope this is helpful, I really really enjoyed reading this. Honestly amazing work!
    Debris

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