Marie SST6 Commission show final-ish edit

1 Feb

I think I might want to do something about the first couple of lines. They feel a bit odd to me. And also, I might cross out the expletives for a 12A audience. Whoops. I still feel like fiddling around with some lines. Feedback is really welcome! 🙂

I haven’t been able to get out of bed for the last three days.

I’ve spent them watching the torched northern skies

with my bloodshot eyes

and daydreaming of your face.

And often I drown in the whirlpool visions

of your next girl hooked on your arm like a fish

as my hopes sink in cataclysm

because she has the only thing that I cherish.

You have planted a tree

where my bones were born to be

and your name is etched

within the parched veins of the leaves

that foster a blossoming scaling five foot three.

Each sulphurous South London sunrise

I raise my leafy arms to pray for you to come home

because without you I am chastised driftwood,

neglected thicket and unbaptized bone.

And there are parts of me still residing in the memories

of when I’d curl around your body like a question mark

because I thought you were the answer.

You’d say; ‘hold me until the sun shakes,

make love to me until the moon quakes in envy

because the brightest light

would have his ruby heart pressed upon mine.

But the greatest light cast upon silvered pine

forms the greatest shade upon the line

where soil meets sky.

And there’s a place near the Earth’s core,

where it’s still warm,

where I am the ashen cloud beneath your eyes,

I am the thread of hair gingerly weaved

into your poem-stained pillows.

I am the chapped hands that clap for you the loudest,

hold you the tightest, stroke your skin the lightest,

so I would like to think

that I am more than flesh and bone.

This one time, I bit my lip.

And I bit my lip so hard I bled out

all the words I never got to say to you.

I bled out to become the amethyst bruise on your collarbone,

the tousled right sleeve of your best shirt,

train track Thursdays in the best and worst ways,

the meteor dent in your duvet,

the lonely corner table in the café,

the gleaming heart you overlooked,

the drunken stanza in your notebook

and the poem you never finished.

You carved your verses into me

when your fingertips danced in circles

above my limbs and across my skin

and I hate the way you kissed yourself into me

through my scars.

These days, I tear myself open

just to check you haven’t stolen my heart.

But the caves of my lungs are brimming with

long distance love-letters

from a man who claimed I was a work of art.

His work of art.

And now that I think about it,

you speak your stanzas in the rhythm that we f (I don’t think I can say this word),

an iamb for every heartstring that you plucked,

a honey-cloyed verse for every deceitful caress

to make our sex and your poems fast and meaningless.

So I stare skywards at the heavy, drunken moon

as you tell me we were just large white wines in Wetherspoons,

snarled top lips and bites on hips,

bedtime rhymes and nightbus crimes,

riverside fumbles and lusty mumbles,

we were just champagne and cumstains.

But I told you I could love you

and how it didn’t matter if I wasn’t the best in the world,

as long as I was the best in your world and

I tried to kill the worst of me to be the best for you,

but you glared at me with your sullen beer-tinged eyes

and I realise

that there is nothing I can do to make you happy.

So I thought of you as a book I read but never bought

and I put you in a love poem,

I put you in a love poem,

I put you in a love poem

and now you’re just words and nothing more.

Advertisements

One Response to “Marie SST6 Commission show final-ish edit”

  1. mouthypoets February 6, 2014 at 11:48 pm #

    Hi Marie,

    I hope your well, was great to see you on Friday and hear this. I know you texted me about language so I want to start by saying all of our shows are pitched for 12a, which is pretty flexible from a film perspective, it’s all about context for me and the necessity and intensity of the language. Obviously certain words are just uncool for that age range but in that case we look. At where performance can cover the ground lost in taking out that word. I will go into this more specifically in my feedback but wanted to let you know the general standpoint of our shows first.

    Also I am aware we haven’t had the chance to discuss what you want to achieve here and you haven’t been to that many sessions so I would encourage you to write up any questions for our 1-1 where you think my feedback is misguided or unhelpful for you and also encourage you to do the exercises/read in these editing sheets to help you edit all work in the future – https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/ // https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/15-points-to-editing-success/

    LOVE
    -firstly, your killing I to the performance and attitude front, which I think you gathered from your response on Friday! Which makes me extra excited for me to be looking at your work on the page because I am really fascinated by were a persons voice in performance and on the page can meet. Would be really good to talk more about your influences and interests when we get to our 1-1s later in the month (I hope you have filled in the doodle poll for this?!)

    -it’s all there: the characters, the emotional integrity, the intensity and the story, so it’s really above rejigging the order and cutting back/ reordering some sentences to make that as strong as possible. The way you write really excites me because it’s all there, now comes the fun, the playing, to make what you already have as accurate as possible when held up against what you want to say.

    -where I get the most into this piece is where you contrast the very poetic with the very simplistic. E.g. Questions mark/ answer line // hold me till the us shakes // where soil meets sky // earths core / warm // chapped hands clapping // right sleeve of his shirt // corner of the table // drunken stanza // tearing yourself open… In writing all these downi have realised what your doing, innovating used images, usually when someone says the word tare or heart I run away but you press the together in a new and intense way that really words, particularly in juxtaposition with your performance style.

    -I really like how you change the tone on the line “this one time I bit my lip” it takes the poem to a really concrete place, after some very metaphorical lines. The metaphors is also extended I a really visceral and emotional way – again for me these are the moments where I am really getting excited about your style, your writing connects directly with the audiences emotions through the senses.

    -sophisticated use of repetition both in lines and words.

    SUGGESTIONS
    Opening lines:
    -whenever I am struggling with how to open, I indenting the strongest lines in the whole piece and try to find a way to start with them. For you I would suggest: Next girl hooked on your arm like a fish (I am going to elaborate on units in suggestion 2…)

    2. Form & cutting:
    -I feel like your a writer that barrages out strong emotionally intense content, so really the editing process is about cutting out the less-strong parts and then shaping what’s left. I am similar, and what really helps me is using set stanza’s and line lengths. Look at every stanza as a unit of meaning; am image, an event, a tone – each new stanza changes the event, meaning, image or tone and looking at line breaks a highlighting elements on these. This enables you to cut out repetition, tighten up images, and ask yourself – what do I actually mean here or what is the most important point in this unit? Is this unit important at all. My example below should be interesting because I am editing it with my knowledge but being guided by what I think is happening – what you are currently telling me through the words…

    Next girl hooked on your arm like a fish,
    I haven’t been out of bed in three days.
    Just watching touched northern skies.

    She has the one thing I cherish. And you’ve
    planted a tree where I was born to be, names
    etched on the veins of parched leaves.

    I would really encourage you to analyse what I have done here and take some of the lessons forward throughout the poem, where relevant to your overall aim of the piece. But give it ago – three line stanzas, same line length – each a unit of meaning. Don’t be scared to cut and move whole lines/ stanzas/ words, make sure you copy and paste the poem into a new word doc why doing this so you don’t feel like your changing anything directly till your happy, give yourself license to play.

    3. Watch out for rhymes. There are a couple places where I feel you are being lead by the rhyme rather than the meaning, these tend to be the bits where I am not sure what you are saying… Though they sound lovely, for me I want to hear what you have to say so have a look at the intensely rhyming sections and ask yourself; is this what I really mean? Are these the most accurate words for my feelings/story or am I just choosing the because they rhyme? Challenge two should also help you challenge this.

    I a always anxious when giving someone feedback for the first time, it was a real pleasure and I hope it was helpful.

    Debris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: