Ingrid, a Draft for Neat14

1 May

Eight months ago I almost cried of excitement.

Seeing your sister evoked the prettiest

Memories. However none of them

With her, porque su personalidad

Es frio y me asusta de ella.

 

But I think that she had to be like that.

All of you had to grow up faster

Particularly her taking the role

Of Mother y crianza dos

Joven músicos brillantes.

 

I never heard you play when you were here

Even though almost every place

We met had a piano. So I’d imagine.

Me gusta el pensamiento

De tus música.

 

And if it sounds anything like your sibling’s,

I’ll wait for the three years you joked about

Because guitars and pianos wait

For people like you

And sisters like yours.

 

But our friendship has been blurred by boarders.

At first it hurt

As I translated unasked questions

Twiddled silk into a crease up mess

Then I just detached myself and moved on.

 

Al tiempo pienso que eras una necesidad

El sola gente quien permito en

Tan pronto.

Ahora la medio corazón hasta luego

Siente mejor.

 

Feedback would be dope, thanks 🙂

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One Response to “Ingrid, a Draft for Neat14”

  1. mouthypoets May 11, 2014 at 8:10 pm #

    Hi Ingrid,
    after our feedback on Friday here another feedback from me after reading it again:

    What I love:
    – How the Spanish lines blend nicely into your English
    – the concept that the Spanish is the personal message only addressing the person the poem is about – I just found out how sad this poem is (at least for me it is one) after I have translated it.
    – Love the line “As I translated unasked questions” because it works so well in this poem!

    Suggestions:
    – As we said last time, performance-wise, the Spanish bits should be spoke in a different voice (pitch, pace, etc) and introduced with a break
    – Make it longer! I’d be really interested to hear more about your friendship with this person and her sister. Who is she? How do you know each other? Where did she go? Or why did you separate? And what particular memories are you talking about in the first stanza. I think the more the listener knows, the more they can connect to your piece.
    – In terms of concept and structure:How about having in each stanza 1 or 2 Spanish lines and then in the middle or the stanza you think is most important is completely in English?

    Hope this helps!
    KAI

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