Neal pike neat 14 draft

11 May

Hey all this my first draft feedback very much appreciated is it too cliche? does all of it make sense ?

Any bits need cutting /improving 

Its about my experiences at a punk festival in Belgium and the lack of borders and sense of fearless sprit In the punk scene 

thanks Neal.

Hey I’ve just travelled through some borders
into some other countries
Thorough yellow fields
And deep tunnels
words flicker and fly through the air
Like excited children
Beer bands and beards
Hands tap on chairs
Then
Crush plastic glasses
carrying warm Belgian beer
then it spills over Teeshirts
France has came and left
Alright there Belgium ?
Mess will be caused minds will be broken
Sorry about that
The clouds are planning and plotting vast murders
Their weapon of choice is rain
The invisible dots we call borders
Are on hold this weekend
Three lazy words of French spill from my beer infused brain
it gets laughter and high fives
invisible friendships become visible
Many languages merge into a gravelly high pitched screaming super power of a voice
We think we are drunk enough to take on the world armed with Mohawks
Big beards shorts and skinnies
we are our own world if only for this weekend
Spanish voices loop around English voices a drunken choir of punks without borders
aimlessly wandering Europe in search of good times
We are all the same just voices aren’t the same
we are high fives stage Dives tattered Teeshirts and nose rings

 

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One Response to “Neal pike neat 14 draft”

  1. mouthypoets May 11, 2014 at 10:21 pm #

    Hi Neal,

    here’s my feedback after having a read of your poem:

    What works for me:
    – the humour you have, like: ‘Hey, I’ve just travelled through some borders’ and ‘Three lazy words of French spill from my beer infused brain
    it gets laughter and high fives’ and ‘France has came and left
    Alright there Belgium ?
    Mess will be caused minds will be broken
    Sorry about that’
    -the lines with a great sense of power and transformation like
    ‘invisible friendships become visible
    Many languages merge into a gravelly high pitched screaming super power of a voice’ or ‘The clouds are planning and plotting vast murders
    Their weapon of choice is rain’
    – the reoccuring word borders. I think if you keep using it, this word can become a very powerfule device to structure your poem.

    Question
    – What do you mean by “the invisible dots we call borders”?

    Suggestions
    – The transition between getting to the festival and being in the festival is not yet clear to me. I think it’s quite important that you introduce the process of crossing existing national borders which then blurr when you’re in the festival.
    – Try out and describe the beginning of the festival and how this overall “borderless” spirit slowly takes over until it rules the world with mohawks. Because I like the ending of this poem with the statement that you’re all the same now apart from the voices. And I think this poem can end on the highest peak of the atmosphere (maybe then add one line showing that you didn’t take over the world or that everything just ended after some days)
    – only cliche sentence I could find is ‘We are our own world now, if only this weekend’

    Hope this is helpful, Neal!

    KAI

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