When Geek Got Cool (SS7 draft Joshua Jones)

4 Jun

Come over here girls and boys
Listen as uncle Joshua makes some noise,
I’m gonna share with you some hep cat history,
From late 20th century, a mystery,
You see I was a teenager in high school,
When in a revolution geeks got cool,

After the tragic death of Kurt Cobain
Things got as insane as the Ukraine
and the geeks led a a coup d’état
against the reigning social bourgeois
And as the boundaries got realigned,
the jocks and cheerleaders got sidelined,
People started talking algorithmic techniques
all thanks to the billionaire Google geeks
And now all the trendy masses
Are wearing a pair of thick rimmed glasses
And then came Peter Jackson
Who made cool New Zealand accents
And people changed their names from Jones to Mr.Baggins
“You’re friends are with you Aragorn!”
But I am socially forlorn
You see I was a teenager in high school,
When in a revolution geeks got cool,

With my basketball in hand few were any hotter
but then in flys Harry Potter
Now to be cool I need a Mr. Spock autograph
Or become a guild master on World of Warcraft
Girls no longer seek for handsome looks
They just want to see the size of my books
Nerd is the new sexy and don’t I know it!

Cause my girlfriend up and left me for a poet.

You see I was a teenager in high school
When in a revolution geeks got cool

Advertisements

One Response to “When Geek Got Cool (SS7 draft Joshua Jones)”

  1. mouthypoets July 3, 2014 at 11:06 am #

    Hi Joshua,

    I haven’t seen you in a while, have you been away?

    So this is the first proper time I have given you feedback, I hope it is helpful, this poem is like 80% there so I have tried to go into detail with lines and words and tidying it up. I try and give feedback that will help you with writing generally as well as with this specific poem and I am always open to being challenged and questioned because mainly I just want to help you! So here we go…

    LOVE
    -Like that you tell the kids you were a teenager in highschool… it kind of plays into that kid mentality that you think old is like 10 or something and have no real understanding of age which is quiet nice.
    -Love “billionaire Google geeks”… this is the poem at it’s best I think where meter, rhyme, specificity, humour and resonant material colide to make something poetic, relevant and engaging.
    -Like the image of the thick rimmed glasses.
    -Like how the comedy grows stronger and stronger in this general section actually and the New Zealand accent… I don’t even know who that guy is but some how I find it funny and get what you are saying. Are you going to do a new Zealand accent?
    -Love the line about Aaragorn… really nice and light hearted, great!
    -Then in flys Harry Potter! Lol, I can really visualise you with your basketball and him flying in… so hilarious. You really need to push the humour of this it so deserves it the way you are building and building the rediculousness of the trend I love.
    -THEY JUST WANT TO SEE THE SIZE OF MY BOOKS – AMAZING!
    -Nerd is the next sexy… great…

    QUESTIONS
    -Not sure I understand the Kurt Cobain reference in relation to the poem?

    -Also not sure if I understand what you mean as “Insane as the Ukrain” feels a bit harsh to reduce the ukrain down to such a one dimensional simile?

    -What’s ‘hep cat’?

    -What’s ‘d”etat’?

    -Why do you capitalise the first letter of each line, I am challenging this because it is something that, if you ever wanted to submit to magazines (which you should), is frowned upon. I also think that the way you lay out a poem on a page is the guide for performance and a capital letter suggests a stress, a pause, that is not relevant to the beginning of each line.

    -Can you change your name to Mr.Baggins? What I mean is, shouldn’t it be “Jones to Baggins”? Or, “Mr. Jones to Mr.Baggins”?

    SUGGESTIONS

    1. Redundancies & Stanza’s. To further elaborate on what I mean by this, try this exercise first:
    https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/

    -I feel like you are using additional words for the sake of rhythm and rhyme rather than strength of content, concision and imagery.

    Come, girls and boys,
    listen as uncle Joshua makes noise,
    and shares some hep cat history,
    the late 20th century, a mystery.

    I was a teenager in high school,
    when in a revolution geeks got cool,
    after the death of Kurt Cobain
    … etc.

    -I want you to go through, word by word and say – is this necessary? In poetry every word needs to be working as hard as possible. I also want to push you to try and edit it into 4 line stanza’s whereby every stanza represents a unit of somethin e.g above stanza 1 = explaing you are telling a story to children, stanza 2 = the cultural context for making geeks cool. Using set stanza’s also pushes you to be concise and push into as much unit as possible.

    2. Ending…
    -In the penultimate section where you mention the poet, I am expecting the conclusion to be about how that is why you are saying this poem, so the repetition of the intro doesn’t quiet chime to me, it doesn’t really feel like a conclusion so need you to do a little work on this, especially as you have me in such hysterics beforehand, there needs to feel like there is a better resolution.

    PERFORMANCE/FILM
    -What are your thoughts? I think either telling the camera as if they are the children you are speaking to?

    I hope this helps,
    Debris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: