Hayley Green SST7 Headline First Draft

8 Jun

Changing Rooms 

 

I am twelve

Standing in a changing room

Girls tiled on both sides

I don’t really know where to look

 

I’m taking first spot behind the showers

Don’t look don’t look

 

I clamber up

Make-up dolls

And curiosity

Making me want to stare

But I divert my eyes to the floor

And try to avoid their glares.

 

Pop away your tongue

I’m not a lollipop

And this is not a sweet shop

 

I spent ten minutes studying my timetable this morning

Two letters alphabetti spaghettied

around the blue and white stripes of my school planner

My heart, overcooked soup in my chest

That hasn’t heard from puberty yet

Unlike these other girls around me

I have yet to develop breasts

 

So I take a peak

Probably more out of jealousy.

 

Errrrrrrr

What you looking at lesbo?

Errrrrrrr

She’s looking at me,

She’s dirty

 

Reverse

Tuck the peak back inside my head

Stare at the floor again

If I look up

They’re just gunna call me a lesbian

 

I feel like an odd sock, stale

Drenched in the words

I imagine they say

Which wouldn’t be so unfounded

I’ve pounded urges so they don’t surge

Through the edges of my skin

 

Moulded thoughts

To keep within parameters

Of a world I don’t understand

Take a lighter

Burn into my bones, I should stand up

straight

 

Displace the feelings

Tumble drying in my stomach

And iron them onto others

With the mud I’m scraping off myself

 

I’m stained

Like the tiles on the walls around me

Mosaicing my design

To look more like theirs as they change.

 

I’ve not been sewn together quite right

I’m a knitted jumper with one sleeve

Longer than the other

And I’m still stitching new threads

Onto the right places

So I look more like them

 

They should be put with the boys

so they can’t look at us,

they’re more like them  anyway

 

The door that separates us from them is open

For me to big toe tip toe towards them

And through

Because their bodies match mine

More than the girls’ do

 

It’s not right that we have to hide

so they can’t see us,

they’re always looking

 

Looking, looking

They must have caught me looking

 

To get caught I must be looking

So maybe it’s time

I stop tucking these feelings away in a closet

Unfold myself to reveal I’m just not like them

And it’s fine to have these thoughts in my head

 

But I am twelve

Standing in a changing room

Girls tiled on both sides

And I don’t know where to look

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: