Sylkie: Sorry it’s late.

9 Jun

“Mate, my night was terrible”

 

they told me they found a condom on the floor in the bathroom

The plumber and the piss-head

Mate I dunno

Mario and –yknow- the bird from Skegness

 

Because tonight was a bag of tricks

Wizards sleeves

Twisting with the clink clink

Of devil sticks

 

The hammered eventide

The long confusion of submerged repercussions

Those… thoughts

Unnerved rest

I guess night life found me undone,

Broken

Fever gushing

And afterwards

The Mcdonalds post blues tunes

Trash stronghold that most bad moods groove to

I tell ya I did not find a muse tonight

Or amuse the short dresses tight

The fights amongst the lads write

That my heads a vice

And the advice in the

Smoking shelter

Umbrellas the gravity of dawn

The gravity of

Daylights forearms cracking

the doors

Nights wain was sucked in

By a yawn

 

He told me he had to go home

The taxi fare was too much

She was there

With a bloke

That MD really sucked

 

 I am the only valve not alight with the night life electricity?

Lulled, fooled, I did not pull

I’m a 3:45am boy and I’m gone in morning’s rise

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2 Responses to “Sylkie: Sorry it’s late.”

  1. mouthypoets June 18, 2014 at 6:30 pm #

    I love the pace of this and totally relate to the nightlife feeling when you don’t really feel like it’s ‘your night’.

    The rhyme compliments the energy of the poem really nicely.

    I didn’t understand this bit though:

    He told me he had to go home

    The taxi fare was too much

    She was there

    With a bloke

    That MD really sucked

    Am I missing the point here – I feel like you’ve introduced a character?

    Hayley x

  2. mouthypoets July 3, 2014 at 4:04 pm #

    Hi Sylkie,

    Love this, really light yet with dark undertones, think it will really cut through the shows content well. The movement, narrative is really there so everything is about words and tweaking really…

    LOVE
    -Like how ballsy the first line is. Would love for more page poetry to start this way.
    -Sometimes I am struggling to thread together what is happening but I love the specificity, every word has so many connotations both in sound and in meaning and they give the overall poem a very clear vibe; Skegness, bird, comdom, wizard sleeves (although don’t these have a dirty repuation… not sure if you want that undertone?).
    -“the Mcdonalds post blues tunes” I really love how your writing and string together such cool and original lines/images with so much contemporary and sensory attachments. This really is the core of what I love about your work!
    -Like how you take me from the bathroom, to the smoking shelter… feels like a personal tour.
    -“daylights forearms cracking” amazing personification there
    -Really like the end… it feels like the right balance of drunk image, image, image so I don’t 100% know what is going on but the images have a sense of movement and clarity that I feel like I am getting a sense of conclusion that is much stronger than in the beggining of the poem I think… but maybe I kind of like that actually.

    QUESTIONS
    -Have you thought at all about a title?
    -Who is the ‘they’ in the poem?

    -Not sure I understand the plumber line, it is not gramatically making sense to be? Are they the people that had sex in the bathroom? You just need to be giving me a little more so I don’t stop listening due to confusion.

    -Why do you capitalise the first letter of each line, I am challenging this because it is something that, if you ever wanted to submit to magazines (which you should), is frowned upon. I also think that the way you lay out a poem on a page is the guide for performance and a capital letter suggests a stress, a pause, that is not relevant to the beginning of each line.

    -What’s a hammered eventide?

    SUGGESTIONS
    1. I want to challenge you to put the following words in a Thesaurus as they feel a bit too easy; terrible, found, fooled, gone, wain.

    2. Stanza’s and Line Breaks.
    -What pushes you to break a line or start a new stanza? It feels a little random… a line break indicates a pause in rhythm or idea and a new stanza represents a new unit or the story or new image.

    They un-slid a condom
    from the bathroom floor. Possibly
    from the pumber and a piss-head
    Mate, I dunno… Mario and…
    y’know, the bird from Skegness?

    Tonight was a bag of tricks;
    wizard sleeves, twisting clink
    clinks of devil sticks.

    Could you try going through and looking at where the lines break? Play around with it? End words are important, they get more attention… push yourself to question if every word is working as hard as it can, you might notice above I have suggested some words that didn’t need to be there like Because and ‘said they’, go through with this comb…

    PERFORMANCE
    -What ideas do you got? I think you need to be up there performing it like you would to someone in McDonald’s or in the Taxi?

    Hope this helps,
    Debris

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