Jo Kelen SST7 Daft 2(ish) Evening Show

14 Jun

here is a second draft – not hugely different but a few tweaks here and there. please rip it apart – things i can cut out/stick together – particularly in the duck section and also the last stanza is confusing me quite a bit

its about a duck and an elephant and so imaginatively called….

 

DUCK AND ELEPHANT

 

There once was a duck who when she was at school

Was literally the definition of everything uncool

Flapping her wings randomly she’d waddle about

And never quite managed to figure out

Why no other animals were nice to her

Told her to shut the fuck up or they’d rip out her feathers

Bound barb-wire round her beak so she couldn’t make a sound

She eventually murged into the background

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

There once was a elephant who when he was at school

Was literally the definitition of everything cool

With a brush in his trunk he painted the most beautiful things

That caressed the frets of everyones’ strings

Longing for him, but he didn’t care

His mind was always drifting somewhere elsewhere

Because they were boring and tedious and dull

They’re words made his aching bowel grumble

‘I’m constipated by this school monotony

I want to be out, I want to be free

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

At an afterschool creative writing club this mix match met

Elephant went with a couple of his friends

Duck went alone with a poem or two

She wrote all the time, though no one else knew

As she read them out the elephant laughed

Said ‘duck I think you’re completely daft’

Ruffled her feathers with his long grey trunk

When you wrote that stuff were you high or drunk?

I wrote them she said to make myself smile

And forget my life, if for only a while

She slumped at the shoulders and hung her neck low

He said ‘you’re the coolest duck that ever I’ve known

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

Elephant took her out to a club one night

Duck said, waaaa but this is a school night

I’ve never been to a club everyones so tall

Nelly said, for once in your life, stop thinking you’re small

He picked her up with his trunk and poped her on his head

Wow the airs so much thinner up here, she said

He bought her some drinks and she drank quite a lot

That she was small and uncool she quickly forgot

They danced like maniacs until the club closed

And staggered home giggling as the smiling sun rose

Then Nelly held her hair back as she threw up on the street

Twas never her art to be subtle and discrete

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

Soon came time for the duck to go to uni

And the whole thing had her more than a little moody

What if they all hate me and think I’m annoying

You are annoying said Nelly, but at least you aint boring

I don’t want to endup all sad and alone

He said, you know I’ll always be on the other end of the phone

Don’t forget me then, she said, i’m really gonna miss you

Darling I’m an elephant, forget we don’t do

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

A year on now and the duck is doing alright

Working, writing drinking and tearing up the night

Calls her Nelly when she can, often for boy advice

A subject on which sultry Nelly is infinitely wise

But for Nelly he cannot sleep, gets hounded by his shadow

Delious from coke and one night stands, stops picking up the phone

Phone keeps ringing, duck on the other end

Pick up pick up, please I need my best friend. Voicemail yet again.

Meet up over Christmas, duck realised something was wrong

When she saw his long grey trunk once magnificent and strong

Was covered in scars where he’d cut himself

She said why’d you never tell me, I would’ve helped

He slumped at the shoulders and hung his neck low

She said, you’re the coolest Nelly that ever I’ve known

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

 

She put the kettle on threw his bong out the window

Pulled his head to her chest and rocked him too and fro

Asked him, if you were a pie, what kind would you be

He said, avocado and toothpaste with a bitchumin gravy

You’ll be alright she said, you’ll power on through

What else really is there to do?

I’m scared, he said, what I’ll do when I’m sad and alone

She said,  you feel that way, then you pick up the phone

So you can whisper some inane bullshit in my ear?

She said, yea stop pretending like its not what you wanna hear

In that dark dim room two hearts embrace in limbo

Three words never said, yet neither let go

I needn’t say it, she thinks, you already know

No I needn’t say it, you already know.

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2 Responses to “Jo Kelen SST7 Daft 2(ish) Evening Show”

  1. Anne June 16, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    Can’t say ‘Fuck’ it’s a PG show…

    Now young lady get counting your syllables and measuring the rhythm – read it out loud and tell me it scans – the pace levels out as you go through but the first stanza is a bit patchy I think – maybe cut some words… get the red pen out! Same with second stanza…

    There once was a duck who when at school

    Was literally the definition of everything uncool

    Flapping wings randomly/wing-flapping randomly she’d waddle about

    And never quite managed to figure out

    Why no other animals were nice to her (NICE? bit ordinary… given the extremes you tell us she suffers a few lines later)

    Told her to shut the fuck?? up or they’d rip out her feathers

    Bound barb-wire round her beak so she couldn’t make a sound

    She eventually merged into the background

    No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

    No I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t so

    I always think if you’re going for such a strong rhyming poems, then you really should work it out as a strict scheme and then play around with it from there…

    I do like the fact that it starts out as seemingly light hearted and then becomes quite dark and serious when Nelly falls apart (not sure I like the name Nelly, does it have to be Nelly? It makes me think of the old Nelly the elephant song, so brings a lot of baggage with it) – I wonder have you written this as being about 2 people first and then changed it to being a duck and an elephant? If not I would give it a go, do a free write about the story and see if anything else comes out, then change it back to being about animals – I wonder if you’re hiding behind the animals and the humour and so missing out on the real story you are trying to get across – and is there a relevance to it being a duck and an a elephant or did you try it with other animals?

    with love Anne x

    • mouthypoets June 16, 2014 at 5:28 pm #

      this is really useful – yea the point of the animals is kinda the shock factor of when it becomes serious later on. i think you’re right about the free-write, will get on that later this week. you’re also completely right about the scanning, it needs some serious tightening in places.
      also i think you might be right about calling the elephant Nelly – its just a habit of mine, i kinda refer to elephants as Nellies quite alot and i forget that other people don’t haha. the reason for elephants and ducks is mostly because they’re my favorite animals i reckon which, now i think about it, is potentially quite lazy – will do some free-writing as suggested and see what happens.

      this was really useful Anne, thanks very much, Jo xx

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