Natalie’s redraft for SST7

21 Jun

Still wanting to make this poem a lot tighter so any suggestions would be very appreciated 🙂 It means a lot to me and I want to do it the best I possibly can.

Between the Mole and the Marrow

As we watch the giant slumber

With the balcony still hot under

Our feet while daylight lingers in

The opal glow of eyes under

bedsheets with laughter crumpling

to the end of everything. Our

breath caught between the space

where I hide behind. I saw that cliff face

Where once we waved at the place

Where we are now. I blink.

And you are gone from me somehow.

 

Nostalgia, what venomous ambrosia

All the hurt that crumbles down

The amnesiac wall. The thickness

Of me that you dearly took in

Sickness, dear, in sickness you

Were unfit for me. You shook my

Bones and bellowed at me in

Tones of misogyny, so angrily,

You rammed at my gate,

Mangled my resolve and crammed

A vial of arsenic down my throat

And the moat surrounding my

Castle thirsted while you burst in

Without asking and told me

You had always been King.

 

You called yourself a feminist

Wore a denim jacket

With a ticket in the pocket

From the eighties

For a ride for two.

 

You called yourself a feminist

Attended meetings

Spoke over women

Playing devil’s advocate

With their feelings

Wore a t-shirt with the slogan

“This is what a feminist looks like”

 

For you feminism was telling me that other girl’s

breast size was better than our best time.

 

You called yourself a feminist

But all that tall-talk

That Philosophy

Is your biggest hypocrisy

 

No one else saw how

You made me

Curl in on

Myself.

 

Even my eyes

Rolled back

In their sockets.

Ashamed, I blamed myself

For the games you played

Never mind how they maimed me

And shamed me

You trained me

To let the grime trickle off

Like rain

Back to the part of me

That started to

Unravel at the

Centre

 

And then one day released me

When you had spent your lusty glee

And ragged and crying and thin

And crying I ran. You laughed at

The humour in broken things.

 

And in the North of England

I run barefoot up the immobile pavement

Limbs heavy mountains

February’s icy blanket between my toes

My body dissolves into pumice footsteps

Tiptoeing on the wicker basket

Along the edge of Oblivion.

 

He had chosen fight,

I responded in flight

And I wish I’d had the wings

But there was only

The night and the

Unsympathetic alleyway

To keep me company.

 

The yew-tree of his

Co-existence with me

Stood aloof in its

Persistence.

Like the sure resistance

Of the dying.

 

The yew-tree of his

Co-existence with me

Roots deep in some substance

We called love

Holding in the last sustenance of life

And grasping, grasping

At the air we breathed.

 

And now that the hurt

Has curdled

I wrap myself in the folds

Of paper and curls of pen.

And there, in the vacuum

of the gap between the

Mole and the Marrow

I heal my heart

And write a new home.

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One Response to “Natalie’s redraft for SST7”

  1. mouthypoets July 2, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

    Hey Natalie,

    I read this piece out during rehearsal on Monday and it was really powerful. I think your writing is really finding a path and your style is developing well.

    — I think you can cut the first stanza. I feel like it’s a build up but think the piece will be much more powerful if it just went straight into it, grabbing the audience straight away.

    — The part about him being a feminist – Maybe have a look at halving the length of this. I like the bits when you describe how he thought he was feminist ie, the denim jacket but then you go on to tell us he’s a hypocrite – the poem is already doing this so I don’t think you need to tell us.

    Think about where lines are redundant. For example:
    “No one else saw how
    You made me
    Curl in on
    Myself.”

    can become:
    “You made me
    Curl in on
    myself”

    I don’t think you need to say no one else saw as this is a personal story, you’re talking directly to him.


    “Never mind how they maimed me
    And shamed me” — who are they? This sounds nice with maimed, shamed, trained, but what is it saying?

    — Half way through you change the tense to 3rd person, is there a reason for this?

    — Can I ask what the significance of the mole and the marrow is, it feels a little like you’ve put it in to end it but I feel like there could be a stronger way to end it, becoming independent.

    Hope this helps, ask if you have questions.
    Hayley x

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