Imogen’s First Draft – Scratch Show. Squeeze.

22 Jun

Very close to being finished, want to add a couple of bits here and there. Around 2:30.

 

When he kisses me it feels like a black hole

sucking forth my soul from my tongue better than the best dementor.

And I need a time turner to erase every kiss before his 

because no matter how many times his lips meet mine

I want to say “bless you”.

Instead I swallow my own mouth

while he makes me hate my ex for never kissing me like he wanted

in

not 

out

and right about now your fingertips

kiss my hip with just the right amount of 

dig and squeeze

to put me at ease

making me as breathless as a running chainsmoker

forcing closer and closer

until when my chest rises his falls.

And there we are.

Two hearts.

Separate but synced.

Like the iPod not the boat

and I would not hog that wood

you come aboard Jack and together we’ll float

like trespassing burglars careful not to get caught with our hands in the cookie jar.

You tell me to reach for the moon and settle for the stars

but fuck that.

Give me a supernova.

A black hole.

I do not care if it destroys me cause the moment I see my life flash before my lies

I’ll know.

Hell, I’ll know it was worth it.

Take away my out breath.

Choke me with kisses.

Kill me with love.

Take every single part of my soul because when I’m with you I’m whole.

And I do not love you.

But I bleed your name.

The same way I cry enough to fill a sea.

Feel me.

Feel my heart quicken as you tear it from my chest and yes

I’m full of sins.

But when you burn me you purge me.

Turning my blood to black

and my bones to ash

but when I rise from my body

I will kiss you for eternity and rue the day I said no to you.

So get our of your car.

Turn around.

Sit on the grass with me 

hands and legs intertwined

Your heart bleeding at the same rate as mine.

Until, we both get sucked in.

When we’re in too deep.

Hurtling towards that supernova.

 

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Imogen’s First Draft – Scratch Show. Squeeze.”

  1. mouthypoets June 23, 2014 at 3:05 pm #

    I think this is a really strong piece, engaging throughout, a brilliant love story!

    – Rosie

  2. mouthypoets July 1, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

    Hi Imogen,

    This is actually the first thing I have seen from you outside of a session so great to finally get some sit down time with your work! I know this is the first time I am giving you feedback so feel free to ask questions or let me know if anything doesn’t make sense, I try and give as many examples and resources as possible 🙂 I really enjoyed reading this…

    LOVE
    -lovely use of comedic images; the chain-smoker and the black hole.
    -Nice contrast of darkness with the black whole and the digging despite the generally love sick nature of the poem.
    -I love the image of getting caught like tresspassing burglars, again it feels fresh and dirties up the all too pretty love poem in a way it needs to be to be kept real! I like the image so much I would get rid of the cookie jar line as it feels to unoriginal in comparison!
    -The whole end section is really intense and some lines are way stronger than others, part of our job as a poet is, after writing all this good stuff, knowing what to cut, I am going to make a suggestion for what you should keep if you don’t mind (I have also put in 3 line stanza’s like I have suggested below)…

    Hell, I’ll know it’s worth it.
    Take away my out breath.
    Kill me with kisses.

    I bleed your name.
    Feel my heart quicken.
    Yes, I’m full of sins.

    Turn my blood to black,
    and my bones to ask.
    Kiss for eternity and rue

    the day I said not to you.
    So get out your car,
    sit on the grass with me.

    Hands and legs intertwined.
    Your heart bleeding same rate as mine.
    Until we both get sucked in.

    QUESTIONS
    -Not sure I understand “two hearts, separate but synced” what does that mean? Using the image of a heart in what is essentially a love poem, feels a bit easy… what else could be synced? Your eye lids, your knees touching, you phones ringing? Something else that shows unity and distance and feels more accurate to your personal experience of this love, you deserve something more unique than a heart! Everyone has one of those!

    SUGGESTIONS
    1. Firstly, can I ask you try do these three exercises…
    https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/3-editing-exercises-for-stronger-poetry-2/

    I feel like the whole poem is here, but we could make it all a bit more concise with some stanza’s and some ‘word squashing’… this is where you look at quiet a large saggy image and find a way to make it tighter and more concise and often more original. For example…

    He kisses me into black-holes,
    my soul sucked into tongue.
    No matter how many times his lips
    meet mine, I want to say, “bless you.”

    Instead, I swallow my mouth.
    Begin to hate my ex for never
    kissing me like he wanted.
    In not out.

    Fingertips kiss hips with
    a balanced dig and squeeze.
    I’m breathless as a chain-smoker
    running closer and closer.

    Can you see:
    -How using this set 4 line stanza and trying to have line lengths roughly the same it is encouraging me to make the images tighter and use less words yet we are still getting the same images but sharper? Would you fancy trying to carry on with this and seeing where the draft took you? All the content is there I just want you to try pushing your poetry skills of using form and making your word and image choices as original as possible.

    I hope this is helpful!
    Debris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: