Ingrid, Scratch, First Draft :)

22 Jun

Darkness isn’t a creature breathing down my ear
It’s where stars live
They breath it
I’ll leave the girl who ruined my  subconscious there
The stars will breath her
Numb her
She’ll get better
She will stop stealing her nana’s pills
She will stop breathing in my words and pretending they’re hers
She will stop strangling me

One day my subconscious will supernova
My defence mechanism will become a white dwarf.
More controllable
I’ll be strong enough to stop her
References to hugs not drugs will be less empty
And poetry will always be mine because it’s not cool enough to steal
It will always mean a million galaxies to me

She is someone I let in
That will never change
But she is dropping galaxies
Every time she steals
Brags about her rich boyfriend
Teases me because I’ve only kissed guys with girlfriends
And calls me a hoe in front of everyone

At one point, she was pain killers to my post concussion headaches
A week without her was like a week without night time,
Without amber streets and mopped air.
She is still the only living person I’ve cried about
And I still want to tell her everything even though she’ll
Always top the coolest thing that ever happened to me.

I stopped talking to her
Started ignoring her messages
Knowing that I still needed her.
Now she’s letting herself back in
I’m pretty sure that she’s not allowed to do that
It safer for both of us that way.
She thinks that we can just be alright again
Just because we both get high sometimes
But I just want to leave her to be inhaled by the stars

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One Response to “Ingrid, Scratch, First Draft :)”

  1. mouthypoets July 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    Hi Ingrid,

    Debris here, I only heard half of this on Friday so really good to read. I really like it, feels really whole which is great at this stage in the game, so much to enjoy and a great to new dimension to your work….

    LOVE
    -Wow, it really hit me because it reminded me of one of the first poems I wrote in my career (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUL2nR-nq0o) that I am sure you have seen in my book, called “love poem”… felt really powerful and quiet intense for you I must say, which is really interesting and engaging to see.
    -I really like the way it moves from darkness, to concrete images of the pills and strangling.. it feels really intense and difficult yet the stars being there adds an interesting and surprising contrast of affection that feels really right for your voice.
    -“one day my subconscious will supernova” is a craazy amazing line. I am not 100% sure what it means but the sound of it and the imagery of it does a lot of that work for you.
    -“a week without her was a week without night-time” crazy line and so complex like it would be bright and fun but exhausting there is a sense that you need her but also that you are tired of having her… this whole poem is doing that in a way.
    -I really like the ending… might I think there could be a bit more concrete imagery… how did she let herself back in? How are you both safer? I would like a few more images instead of the statements especially when the last two lines are so so strong!

    QUESTIONS
    -Have you thought about a title for this?
    -Not sure I understand this line:
    -“references to hugs not drugs will be less empty”
    -how did you let her in? Could you give me an image to show me that instead of telling me? You lent her your library? You told her about the bullies? Show me.

    SUGGESTIONS

    1. Order of imagery: it took me quiet a long time to work what I was supposed to be seeing in the beginning of the poem because you told me what darkness wasnt, then told me what lives there (but still not what it was) then told me a group of people (they) I don’t know live there and then introduce a girl I don’t know… Are you following me? It is all really good stuff but it felt a bit jumbled up and hard to decipher, other people will probably get it but I like to be dyslexic friendly, I have reordered the intro as an example of how it might feel clearer…

    I’ll leave the girl who ruined my subconscious
    in darkness, where stars live. They breathe it.
    The stars will breathe her. Numb her.

    She’ll get better.
    Stop stealing her nana’s pills.
    Stop breathing in my words and pretending there hers.

    Stop strangling me.

    2. Redundancies: you will also see I am suggesting a challenge above of using 3 line stanza’s for this piece, and trimming some of the repeated words and redundancies out – do you think you could try this the whole way through?

    3.(tiny one) I don’t think you need to say a million galaxies… a galaxy is big enough 🙂

    PERFORMANCE?
    -This feels like a much stronger voice than I have heard in your work, would be really interesting to see if we could play around with the darkness of your character and your voice… when are you planning on memorising this? Would you be interested in playing around?

    I hope this helps, let me know if anything doesnt make sense,
    Debris

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