Kai – Scratch draft – loo brush revolution

22 Jun

Hi from knackered Germany.

This is my draft. Uncomplete, due to changes in life.

I’m still working on it and will upload another draft asap!

 

Exactly 40 years ago, on 19th July 2014,

the television braodcasted how a police officer

found a nice, clean loo brush in the

rucksack of somebody wearing a black hoodie.

This was the day our revolution started and

This scene baptised it The Loo Brush Revolution

 

The police claimed they have been attacked

By those kind of people, black-hooded people

For the 20th time in a month

So they started to define districts in Hamburg,

St. Pauli, Altona, and St. Georg

Enabling them to identify and search any person

The deem suspicious of carrying potential weapons

Potentially putting police officers in danger.

 

(me taking out a loo brush)

 

it was shortly after London installed spikes in sheltering corners

To chase off homeless people from these spots

Spots they called home for a night

Making them homeless a second time

 

And these spikes spread in the country

Like measles on a child’s skin

And every single new spike was

Itching, itching, itching

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2 Responses to “Kai – Scratch draft – loo brush revolution”

  1. mouthypoets June 25, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

    Hi Kai,

    Can’t wait to see more of this. It sounds like a news report, is that what you’re going for?

    Hayley x

  2. mouthypoets July 1, 2014 at 3:42 pm #

    Hi Kai,

    WE MISS YOU? How are you doing back in browntown?

    Debris here if you hadn’t guessed. So, glad to see you are still writing without our influence. Now down to some feedback for you…

    LOVE
    -Nice use of stanza’s as units of meaning.
    -Really love the idea anyway…really needs to be a poem about this
    -great title.
    -The description of a loo brush as ‘nice’ and ‘clean’ is quiet funny
    -“those kinds of people, black-hooded people” really like this because it works on so many levels; race, assumption, police brutality etc.
    -The comedic moment of when you take out your loo brush – nice.
    -Like how you make it current with the spikes for homeless people…might be worth getting a example or projected picture of these because not everyone will have seen them? Good way of making it relevant.
    -Also like the measles and the itching…!!! Really nice.

    QUESTIONS
    -Are we 40 years in the future?

    SUGGESTIONS
    1. Thesaurus. At the moment it feels a bit stiff and prosaic… When I get this with my writing, I go through it line by line and put words in a thesaurus to see what could make each line be working harder.

    2. Order of Information & Redundancies: I think this might be a language thing, but I think you could be giving me the images/info in a stronger order – using a weaker order often forces redundancies. I have combined my suggestion above with this one to give you an example of what I mean…

    40 years ago, 19th July 2014,
    the TV showed a police officer
    unearthing a nice, clean loo brush
    from a rucksack. The owner
    donned a black hoodie.
    That day, our revolution started.

    The police alleged they’d been barricaded
    by black hooded kinds of people
    at least 20 times a month.
    So they defined districts; Hamburg,
    St. Pauli, Altona, and St. Georg.
    To classify suspicious and search

    I am suggesting this, because when I get stuck, doing this can help me find my rhythm in the piece and then keep writing.

    PERFORMANCE
    -Other than the loo brush, have you thought about how? I kind of want us all to come out with loo brushes?

    Overall, mad excited about this piece, feels really fresh and clear and important and i want to push you to get it done and perform it!

    Speak soon,
    Debris

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