JOSHUA JUDSON: 2nd Draft SST7.

23 Jun

I’d rather die enormous than live dormant, that’s how we on it‘ – Jay Z – Can I Live.

 

 

A Slight hesitation.

My leg hangs over 

the passengers side

footwell.

 

Like your hand over the dotted line. 

 

We’re both nineteen,

Separated by three months 

and an off-limits ashtray.

the only thing weirder 

0-70 in 6 seconds 

is that it’s YOUR Porsche.

 

When we fell out of college together,

you were caught by 15k a year.

Poetry is harder to hang onto.

 

Merging onto the A road

a fiesta passes

our right ear.

 

‘Are you gonna take that from him?’

 

Foot down and we’re

reduced to just flow

a quicktime swerve

of enjambement.

 

Cutting up lesser line breaks.

Acceleration rabbit punch.

A quick Cristal sip

down the gullet 

of the A52.

 

The same way we went 

when you told McDonalds

you were at a funeral

so we could get drunk.

 

Indulgence, even then.

The price tags get higher

We still don’t belong in this car,

this money

 

It lives to be looked at.

It slows down to five for speed bumps.

 

You own a bloody Porsche mate.

 

You’re still not sure if it was a good idea,

just that it was an expensive one.

 

You’re still not sure if they’re the same thing.

Advertisements

One Response to “JOSHUA JUDSON: 2nd Draft SST7.”

  1. mouthypoets June 24, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

    Hi Josh,

    Debris here! This is a really interesting piece, I had to read it 3 times to really understand the narrative which I actually quiet enjoyed but it also made me wonder how we could get more of the story across in one performance and also in film… We only have the blank studio to film in so we need to think about how we are going to get this across. Do you have any thoughts?

    LOVE
    I really like the use of the quotation – is this the title, will this be shared at all with the audience? I feel like there could be a theatrical way of doing this? Is it a line from a song, could this be played? Could the line appear on the screen before you do?
    -The last 4 lines: the clarity and imagery in them for be is blunt and on point but still gives space for the reader to interpret the piece as they wish.
    -Really interesting and unique point made in a very short space.

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure what the following lines mean, or maybe I do a little bit too tenuous:
    “Like your hand over the dotted line.” … are you talking about him signing to buy the car? If so, I am not sure that is clear enough?
    “an off-limits ashtray”
    -Why is footwell so important it gets a whole line to itself? I am also not sure what a footwell is.

    SUGGESTIONS
    -I feel like the music, purpose and line breaks of each stanza/line could be doing more. Your words could be telling the story.
    -I like the overall dramatic arch, but I would suggest going through, using and theasarus and playing around with word choices, syntax (sentence order) and line breaks to really highlight each images/movement and make sure they are as strong as possible. Eg:

    My leg hesitates,
    hanging slightly over
    the passenger side

    Like your hand’s hover
    over the dotted line.
    Awaiting expensive signature.

    -This is really a challenge aimed at 1. pushing your use of music in your writing and how you use it to illuminate the narrative content. 2. Making sure every word an image is as strong and clear as it can be.

    … I feel like I want to hear and see this piece to give you more feedback, but hopefully at this point this is still helpful!

    Speak soon
    Debris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: