Georgina wilding ss7 second draft

29 Jun

So, for context, after speaking to Hayley i’ve realised this poem is sort of a thank you poem, a bit of an ode to my aunties and the ladies in general in my family, grandma, for being there always, because the people who should have been there in my life weren’t. They are the same as me, and instead of the people who should have been encouraging growth in me (the sun, for this metaphor,) it’s them that have. I am who  i am because of them.

The flowers that feed me:

I lay on my back under giant stems and stalks.

Looking up from underneath, their petals cup like

tongues and they speak every piece of good in me.

My skin glows in hues of pinks and orange as

the light they let strain through

ballets over my contours and melts

into my pours like tequila.

I am bright, sticky, and smart because of this.

 

Their presence is timesless.

They save the rain for when I’m dry, warmed and

clean to heal.

They save sharp breeze but, only for when tension

Needs cut, never to cut me.      

They are there. Accountable. Available. Always.

 

I would walk,crawl, drag myself, a million feet

To drape purple on their soiley doorstep, because

Purple is luck, and they are the salt of the earth,

and may money and love and peace and family

And together and us and time be always at their feet.

 

I’m not afraid to see them when I’m hardly awake

Because their roots lie in sacred soil, and their

Roots are home, for me.

The bees around them will always dance in figures

Of 8, but I’ll never need to leave, because the best

Pollen is here.

 

I’m not alone

And the sun doesn’t feed me.

It’s the flowers that do.  

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One Response to “Georgina wilding ss7 second draft”

  1. mouthypoets July 1, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    Hi George,

    Great hearing this from you for the first time yesterday at rehearsals, it is really there, which is great – hence be going into such detail line by line because it feels like we are really at that line editing stage now which is actually my favourite bit… not sure if it is yours? But it felt like I was looking at this beautiful relationship and trying to pulll it into the clear focus it deserves…

    LOVE
    -The whole idea, really nice to have a poem dedicated to those important in your life. Will they be there to hear you deliver it to them?
    -The introduction in this post is really nice… have you thought of saying an introduction in the show? I think it is really touching and could help you get into the space of the piece.
    -The image of you lying and the giant flowers, so simple but beautiful and still and what great poetry should do… slow you down and make you experience the world more thoroughly.
    -I like the petals like tongues, brilliant image.
    -Some great word choices; sticky, ballets, sharp breeze… some really nice phrasing here.
    -I love the idea that the petals save the rain for you, really beautiful and detailed and a new take on the beauty of a flower.
    -The image of the bees in figures of eight at the end… beautiful… so beautiful I was wondering if there was a way of finishing with this?

    QUESTIONS
    -Is “The Flowers that Feed me” the title? … I was not sure I understood this at the beggining of the poem… obviously you explain this at the end. But there will still be confusion initially… might you be able to start with something about the sun as a source of food for bees and people and flowers, so it feels less superimposed at the end and confusing in the title?

    -Does tequila melt? Not sure that simile works for me.. how does tequila melt into pours? I really like tequila in this poem because of how it jars with the beauty of the image and I feel like cuts through the sweetness well but I feel you need to move it… I have hinted at how this could work below in my suggestion section.

    -“only for when tension needs cut” not sure I understand what this means?

    SUGGESTIONS
    1. Your poetry has become so much more concrete and image based and I love it. I am wondering it there is like 5% more tightening that could happen within those images, possibly with a little bit more thought around line breaks, syntax and word choices (with the help of a thesaurus). I have had a little play to show how subtle what I am talking about is:

    Under giant stems and stalks
    I lay on my back. Petals like tongues
    speak every piece of good in me.

    The light they let strain through
    glows skin pink and orange,
    ballets over my contours.

    I am bright, sticky and smart
    as tequila because of this.
    Their presence is timeless.

    -doing this made me see slight redundancies… if you are laying on your back under giant stems and stalks… you could only really be looking up at them and if your describing what they look like you are clearly looking at them? If you get me. There are tiny things like that throughout that I think could tighten up the piece, go through it line by line…

    2. On that note I want to challenge you to edit this piece into 3 line stanza’s as I have been playing around with above, in your own way of cause. But to push the concision of what you are trying to say.

    3. I want you to really think about the order in which you give someone an image… because it is sometimes making you use more words… look at how I have reordered them above to tighten up the words you need. Obviously you don’t have to take the path I have in how to do that, but I think it is worth looking at generally in your writing and playing around with in this poem.

    PERFORMANCE
    -With a poem so personal and poignant I think it is mostly important to connect with what you are saying. Hearing it yesterday, it felt like it was read in ‘Bambi Rhythm’ which sounds beautiful, but it doesn’t necessarily sound honest because it is trapped in the music of your voice. I would really like to hear you say this to them, in your speaking voice, like you are chatting about gossip, or the weather and some how you have got to this point that for some reason you need to say as you, honest, every day, Georgina. I am not sure if that makes sense? Are you coming to the week of rehearsals in the evening because it would be great to get some time with you on this?

    I hope this is helpful? As always, great seeing your work grow and thrive in every day.
    Debris

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