Joshua Judson – another draft. FEEDBACK PLEASE.

29 Jun

I’ve worked on the music of the piece. I think I’ve clarified sections of it, but i still am desperate for other eyes to look at it.

 

Questions:

-Is the purpose/’why’ of the poem clear? What do you perceive the purpose to be?
-What do you as a reader want more of?
-Do you get why I’ve quoted Jay Z?

 

The Poem-

 

‘I’d rather die enormous than live dormant, that’s how we on it’ – Jay Z, Can I Live

 

 

We’re both nineteen,

Separated by three months 

and an off-limits ashtray.

We’re both baking soda white,

I’m shotgun.

 

Foot down,

my chest and it’s contents

barrel down towards Derby

through rain-dregs

you explain the sensation 

as ‘0-70 in six seconds’.

 

Foot down 

and we’re reduced 

to just flow

a quicktime swerve

of enjambment.

 

Cutting up lesser line breaks.

Acceleration rabbit punch.

A quick Cristal sip

down the gullet 

of the A52.

 

You’ve clock-watched enough

to earn a Boxster backed into garage.

 

This money

It lives to be looked at.

It slows down to five for speed bumps.

It implies greatness through strange eyes.

It is soft top ambition.

 

When we fell out of college together,

you were caught by 15k a year.

Poetry is harder to hang onto.

 

You’re still not sure if it was a good idea,

just that it was an expensive one.

 

You’re still not sure if they’re the same thing.

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3 Responses to “Joshua Judson – another draft. FEEDBACK PLEASE.”

  1. Jeiran June 29, 2014 at 5:36 pm #

    The Jay Z quote works well, just think about how you’re gonna let it sink in before you start the poem.

    It’s hard for me to see whats it about without drawing on knowledge I know outside of this poem. I want more of…The speed? Or the luxury.

    Love the structure, short and snappy works really well. I’m sure you’re aware.
    Sorry for lack of detail, feel free to ask further questions if needed.

    J.

  2. BeaBop June 29, 2014 at 9:32 pm #

    I love the drive of this. Live fast. Die slowly guessing what you missed. Your use of nouns makes the sparseness linger on the brain. I hope that you don’t deliver this beautiful piece at it’s implied speed. I need to appreciate it from the slow lane.

  3. secondanne June 29, 2014 at 10:51 pm #

    Hmm. See I know what it’s about because we’ve talked about it. I read it to Jo and she found it confusing. I think the order does that – when it started with falling out college into 15K, that made more sense and it was clearer that one of you had chosen money and the other art/poetry. Could you have that stanza at the start and at the end? when it’s at the start it makes more sense of the enjambment/line breaks stuff (hang on you need that for the stuff I’m talking about later on).

    I know you’ve worked really hard on the form and the musicality of the piece, but in places that is restricting the sense of it (even the line about backed into garage, rather than the garage or your garage – makes it seem a bit awkward) but then I start thinking are you talking about garage as in music, not just somewhere you park a car? I think I’m starting to read more into this than there is… am I???

    I can hear you saying it, it has a real sense of your voice, and your sense of rhythm – can you keep this but make it clearer?

    I think it’s about choices, but that both of you are grabbing life and doing it the way you want to do it, and that keeps you together, which I guess is what the quote is all about – better die trying than stagnate.

    I don’t get the off-limits ashtray (yeah I get the baking soda white, 0-70). Ah, so line breaks and crystal sip, oh hang on, more stuff to read into… so is the ashtray off limits as in forbidden rather than the actual ashtray in between the 2 of you in the car? God! My head… maybe it’s too late at night for this.

    This is full of stuff, isn’t it? I think this is a page poem, because the more I read it, the more I get from it – so I reckon you need to concentrate on the order of the lines and stanzas, you decide the route you want to take us and take us on it, but when you perform it you are going to have to guide us through it slowly/carefully because it’s a lot to take in – hope you’ll agree to it going in the zine so people can read it?

    Hope this garbled confusion of stuff hasn’t hindered… but, “you know what I mean, right?”

    Anne x

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