These thoughts final draft SST7 (Serita)

30 Jun

“YOUR USELESS”!I have enough air to breathe but still I suffocate…

She 1:

VOICES! in my head! tell me im nothing I believe themI DONT believe thembut.. I stand here before you speaking these thoughts.I made a mistake on my paper work! OH NO i feel like a sparrow trapped in the fangs of an adder being dragged from my nest!… she tells me off in front of everybody.

She bears down upon me with self rightiousness in her jaws.

A giant shrinks like a in perspective object being moved further away from a magnifying glass.Several layers of smiles is a hiding place. I want to scream!!

She 2

WHO IS THIS GIRL?… big, tall, liked, loud and funny!!I AM THE CHEIF THE LEADER OF THE CENTRE I CALL THE SHOTS!

SHE 1

OH no EVERYBODY IS LOOKING AT ME!!Inside her stomach bubbles like lava in a underground magma chamber.she is wondering when the pyroclastic blast will happen…

S

he 2

 

I am 4ft 9 I HAVE BEEN GIVEN DIVINE POWER DIVINE RIGHT!to make others feel small…I am sure of myself..AM I?

 

She 1

 

Look at your computer screen LOOK at your computer screen!

 

I feel like a new born rabbit in a burrow placed in the wrong place amongst the hay, Set upon by jackdaws and Magpies upon their joyous discovery of the den on a rain soaked spring morning.(SHOUTS: YOUR USELESS YOU SHOULD BE DISPLCAED! YOUR WORTHLESS)

 

She 2

 

HA! everyone is watching and everyone is listening im glad lets make this bright soul look like a fool!

 

DISPLACE HER!SHE DOES NOT BELONG HERE!

 

Strength is weak.

 

She 1

 

I want to cry or to shout or something I can not decide should I grab something and throw it at her? NO!I shall lose my job its happened before…lets not go down that route… 

 

Him 1 :(its written all over his face)She 1better be careful that this is construed as workplace bullying go easy on the girl!

 

Needing a saviour is never ending.

 

SHE1

 

think HAPPY THOUGHTS THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS…like dancing upon a hill made up of bricks and wood from a time long ago which still hurts our hearts and is spilled all over our history.think happy thoughts like being high up above the clouds drifting away to a beautiful state

 

OH IM SORRY is SHE still talking? think about kissing, rain,sex, tram lines leading to the unknown about dancing till 5:30 am to 1950′s jazz and swing music and looking at your watch and not giving a rats poo poo!think of being youngthink of being oldanything to pour water over the humiliation of NOW The rawness of NOW!

 

She 2:

 

I am enjoying this! my life is sexless,loveless and miserable which I share with you over our lunch table can now be released upon you for the world to see…SHE1/SHE2:STOP THIS BULLSHIT I NEED TO GET OFF!STOP THIS BULLSHIT I NEED TO GET OFF! I NEED TO GET OFF!

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One Response to “These thoughts final draft SST7 (Serita)”

  1. mouthypoets July 1, 2014 at 11:21 am #

    Hey Serita,

    Debris here! So you asked about the imagery, so I have focused on that and all my focus is kind of about bringing that out as much as possible. The whole poem is in there, I think really it is all about refining now which I don’t think should take you very long and also I think it will help you begin to think about performance – where to pause, what the overall story/dynamic is etc…

    LOVE
    -The movement/ emotion is really clear, you have set up a very strong dramatic rivalry and the tension is there from the word go which is going to be really powerful.
    -Some really interesting and intense images with the sparrow and the computer screens, and interesting juxtaposition of digital and natural which I think works well for disposition too.
    -“should I grab something and throw it at her” I like the realness of this, I feel like we could have more moments like this in the piece (kind of what I am hinting at in suggestion 2.)
    -That list of specifics; jazz music, trams etc. GREAT – more off this please.
    -interesting concept and a moment to be apart of, I think it will be interesting to see how you handle and the audience handles something so intense, feels like a really exciting idea to be working with.

    QUESTIONS
    -The format is quiet hard to read (which might be adding to why I am finding it hard to know what is going on); space missing, capital letters, no line breaks – is this on purpose or has something gone wrong with the formatting? I ask because line breaks, and clarity of format is something that helps me tighten up my ideas and make sure my poets machine is working as tightly as possible. Even if this is a formatting error it is worth going through and reputing it into stanza’s making sure every line/stanza/word is as necessary as possible… I have given a bit more guidance below in Suggestion 1.

    -Not sure if saying shit that many times is 12a? Can you think of an alternative?

    -Not sure I understand the ending, where/what are they getting off?

    -could you reduce the story of this piece down into 5 sentences for me, because I feel like I get lost at points? This will probably help you handle my suggestions below.

    SUGGESTIONS
    1.There is a lot of repetition of abstract nouns and telling statements in this, which are currently distracting of the power of the imagery and more tangible pieces of the poem. Part of our job as a poet is to cut away the the less touchable parts of the writing and leave the bits that will hit our audience immediately, I think in this last edit you can be quiet liberal with what you are cutting, and moving back into stanza format will help you do this…I have started having a go at what I am suggesting below…

    “You’re useless!”
    I have air
    yet I suffocate.

    I don’t believe
    these head voices
    telling me I’m nothing.

    I had a mistake
    on my paperwork.
    I feel like a sparrow

    dragged from my nest
    trapped in the fangs
    of an adder.

    She tells me off
    in front of everyone
    bearing down

    The main things this will push you to do and which I think this piece needs is:
    a. Clarity: each stanza has to have a unit of; meaning, image or movement. So I was pushed to cut anything that didn’t have this.
    b. Keep only the strongest material: each line has to contain something vital, this pushes you to cut repetition, and connective words or long sentence and keep the punchy imagery and emotion – there is enough in here for you to have this approach be left with just the brilliant Serita stuff.

    2. There is quiet a lot of big words and images, and I feel I want a bit more specificity in places; what divine right have you been given? What do you really mean? I think you could go through the whole piece and ask yourself that question and give me some concrete details – things I can touch, smell, see… Who is everyone that is looking at you? Because 200 year 9’s is a different vibe to 50 old age pensioners? I want a bit more detail all the way though, I think this will also help you manage suggestion 1.

    PERFORMANCE
    -I want to see you up and doing this… is it just going to be you doing both voices or are you going to work with someone else?
    -At points, it feels like the hysteria edges on comedic? Do you want this or do you want it serious all the way through?
    -I think it would be easy to do this performance in a similar way to your last SST6 piece, but I want to challenge you… maybe making this funny with a serious undertone would be a good challenge for you? If so, the sooner you memorise it, the sooner we can get you up and playing with your voice and body to do that!

    I hope this has been helpful? I struggled a bit due to the anti-dyslexic formating but hopefully this will help push you forward!
    Debris

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