Kaiti Soultana draft for ss7 unfinished

3 Jul

Debris, still really working on this a lot, needs more thinking time. It’s frustrating me haha. Help.

There are times where I want to be a hairbrush.
I think that combing, sleek, sweep,
Takes out the snarls and gives a smile.
Removes the knots and fluffs an up
Do, not
Tell me I can’t be a hairbrush.
With each strand comes a stand comes a movement
A podium to prove that
We are right and you are wrong
But we are wrong, more often than not
s find there way into headphones in your pocket
Deep, drowning in songs
People want to be moved. And people don’t, more often than not.

Five years ago.
Snow Patrol-ing
The Police-ing
The Streets.
There is goes again, my ears drowning in song
Dry your eyes mate
And that moves me. Movement can happen on a scale beneath your feet.
Through the movements of the music, tongue click, tap and tell me that
You don’t feel moved when these chord progressions
make more progress than our local council
Who also want to be hairbrushes.
Leaking their ideas like a teabag in boiling water
Spread. Seep.

_____________________________________________(more bits here inc. content to do with ‘moving mountains, moving people without being physically moved etc.)
and then ending with something along the lines of finishing the hairbrush metaphor, but with different words than the following:
But in the end
No matter how hard or how long you brush

Knots will reappear.

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One Response to “Kaiti Soultana draft for ss7 unfinished”

  1. mouthypoets July 3, 2014 at 5:05 pm #

    Hi Kaiti,

    Best poem intro on the blog ever by the way.

    LOVE
    -GREAT FIRST LINE… Reminds me a lot of Caroline Bird who I mentioned yesterday actually, have you read anything of hers? You should? She has a lot online.
    -Ooooh I actually love the whole first 4 lines, great use of sound and word choices they are a nice balance of familiar and unexpected which is really what poetry is all about!
    -OHHHH MY GOD IT GETS BETTER, you then bring in someone you are talking to by telling them not to tell you you cannot be a hairbrush, you keep taking this somewhere I don’t expect and I am loving it…

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure I understand what is happening/ what you are trying to achieve in this line “with each strand comes a stand comes a movement a podium to prove”… it feels like you have gone with the rhythm sounds and rhyme and forgot about meaning for a moment which is kind of highlighted by how amazingly concrete the lines before them are.

    -Why do you capitalise the first letter of each line, I am challenging this because it is something that, if you ever wanted to submit to magazines (which you should), is frowned upon. I also think that the way you lay out a poem on a page is the guide for performance and a capital letter suggests a stress, a pause, that is not relevant to the beginning of each line.

    -I am not sure who ‘We’ are?

    CHALLENGE

    1. What do you want to achieve in this poem?
    2. Plot out the narrative of this poem for me in 5 straight forward bullet points
    3. Might there be a way to make this whole poem happen through a conversation between two people – the narrator (who wants to be a hairbrush) and the person trying to stop them being a hairbrush aka ‘you’. Hopefully the answers to the above and the content you have already written should help you do that because it is all ready good and worth using and shaping but I am thinking shaping it around this more linear conversation.

    I hope this helps? As this is more general feedback, I am happy to give you some more line by line/ word by word feedback if you can get another draft up ASAP?

    Debris

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