the train, Raisa ss7

4 Jul

Chk chk chk CHK CHK chk

can you hear the train tracks heating up..as it gets ready for the train to roll over its ways

I stand here with an adrenaline pumping through the tips of my fingers…and high hopes for my journey…the morning moans with busy people whilst my tummy groans with a hungry base of fees me a sandwich or two…1..2..3 not arsed.
 
Standing on the solid platform seeing the exposed tracks and how high from them I am…weird thoughts pass me mind.

WHY?
Imagine falling down there n trying to climb back up…but really one leg swinging one arm gripping your body jerkin pressing closely whilst holding tightly with no handle bars or stairs…
(shakes my head full composure)

Ah the train is here
can you hear the train tracks heating up..as it gets ready for the train to roll over its ways
It’s baseline kicks in
and the passenger’s begin to greed in silent minds
fuming over how they will get on the train quicker then the next person…
whilst I walk on like Po from teletubies my 6month pregnant belly makes it through vip style
” nuh bodah touch mi belly, eh eh awoh”

I may be 5ft1 but my mouth can make the rest 6ft taller..
Sitting on my comfy seat…

I receive the inspiration to write
I don’t no if you are a boy yet
I don’t no what you will be like
I love trains and traveling
I talk to my unborn subconsciously in my head whilst holding my phone I end my freewrite..

The sound and the rumble of the train as it soars and cuts through the ghastly winds.
Leaving the spirit of the train behind
in a airy of smoke filling the atmosphere with ashy debrise
I cover my mouth with the neck of my jumper and my eyes with the other hand….. The train has finally departed…

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One Response to “the train, Raisa ss7”

  1. mouthypoets July 4, 2014 at 4:22 pm #

    Hey Raisa,

    This is a really lovely piece, an interesting way to talk about having a child and also to talk about life and mundanity in general. I enjoyed it and think it only needs a little few tweaks before filming on Monday which I have outlined below…

    LOVE
    -I like the simplicity of this idea, of waiting on a platform and bypassing the hustle of getting own the train for the first time and that feeling soothing and pushing you to write something. It draws something beautiful out of the every day and that is an important thing that poetry does.
    -like this line “the morning moans with busy people.” Almost as of the morning is tired of all these people rushing over it.
    -really like the third stanza where you are standing the tracks… It really zooms out the lense of the poem in a clever way and I think it’s relatable, I think we have all looked at the tracks and felt passed by funny thoughts.
    -I like the use of Prose Poem form in this, it feels like it fits the semi-surreal semi every day nature of a prose poem well. I am interested to know how much you were thinking about this when you wrote it…
    -I like the irratic nature of the stan about imagining falling the description of legs as “swimming” is a really good choice of verb I think and also has other layers that also apply to the unborn child layer of this poem.
    -very funny image of you walking like Po
    -like the idea of the sound of a train coming from how it cuts through wind.
    -I like how you cover your face before the train departs, it’s a nice end… Although I am not sure what you are doing it… I am not sure that matters? I feel like I have simply been let into your mind for a period and now I am leaving again alongside the train.

    QUESTIONS
    -are you going to say the ‘Chk’ sounds of the train at the beggining or were u going to get a recording of the sound of a train?

    -I am struggling to understand what you mean in the following lines;
    ‘For the train to roll over its ways.’ Not sure I understand what the train is waiting to roll over?
    ‘An adrenaline’ do you mean ‘adrenaline’?
    ‘Groans with a hungry base of fees me a sandwich or two…1…2…3 not arsed’ … Think maybe there is something missing or a typo? Also why are you not arsed… Or is something/someone else not arsed? Either way can you clear this up a little and maybe hint to what has made you/them/it feel that way?
    ‘The passengers begin to greed in silent minds’ … That’s an interesting way of using the word greed as a verb (an action) but I am not sure what you are asking me to picture here?
    ‘But my mouth can make the rest 6ft taller.’ Who or what is ‘the rest’? That’s not clear, can you is simply say what it is e.g. ‘Makes my confidence 6ft taller’ or whatever your referring to.

    -are you going to say ‘WHY?’ In the poem? If so I don’t think this is necessary, the line break suggests the question being asked as the next stanza answers it. Cut the ‘WHY?’ I say.

    SUGGESTIONS
    Unpacking.
    -there are a few phrases in here where I feel like I want you to unpack them a bit, show me what you mean:

    ‘High hopes for my journey’ … What are they? Why are they high? Are you going to meet someone important on the other side? It is simply because the vibrations of trains sooth u and your child… Either way I want some detail

    ‘Gahstly wind’ I want to challenge you to come up with a more original way of describing the wind.

    2. Typo’s:
    -‘pass me mind’ should be ‘pass my mind’

    3. Talk to your baby
    -sometimes you refer to a ‘you’ e.g ‘can you hear the train tracks heating up’ I these moments can you be talking to the bump? Furthermore I think you could go through and direct a few more of the comments at him… I think it would add a new layer to the poem which is every little experience as a binding moment between you at the child. What do you think? For example one of your lines could become ‘I stand here, with your adrenaline pumping through my fingers’ so there is an implication that his excitement is your excitement… Might you like to try going through and editing it with this idea in mind?

    4. Cut
    -if you do go with suggestion 3 I don’t think you need the line ‘I talk to…(up until)… Freewrite.’ Because it will already be shown through the rest of the poem that that is what is happening?

    I hope this helps!
    Debris

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