neal pike mouthy tour.wandering metal flesh working title

7 Sep

Chugging up this
One gear hill
In a no gear car
In a town full of
Many geared people
In a one gear town

Like the midday Saturday
Shoppers I remember
Disliking when I was human
Not this red car with
A dodgy second album
In it’s CD player

My engine that used
To be a heart
But is now a bloody coke
Can full of maggots and flies

That squirm like
Drunk penguins
All over my rusted
Twenty seven year old skin shell

Slowing down these
Egg box breaks
To a ceasefire
Between
coke can heart
And that tiny bit of a human
That is the trusty steering wheel

it wants to steer me this way
To the place where car meet
To let there engines ring out like
4 am church bells on walks home
But that thing which is
a coke can
Is on a stage doing a death metal growl

YOU ARE NOT A
CAR
YOU ARE NOT A HUMAM
YOU ARE JUST THAT PIECE
OF BANNANA SKIN I PUT THERE
TO KEEP YOU SLIPPING ON!
YOU BELONG IN THIS FOOTHILL
OF USELESS AND I SHALL KEEP YOU HERE

But
It sounds like
bass lines and
Lovely times
Up there
As
dolphin choruses
Of laughter
filter down that Steep
Hill

driving these
Yo yo wheels
towards this
Place so mythical
It actually exists

I hear rattling noises
Inside the place
That was once rubs lungs and a heart

Yeah they won’t like you up
Here
They eat awkward car frauds
Like you
For lunch smothered in tomato ketchup
The shape of your wheels are slitglhy
Human
They will think you want to take them down
Like a pop up tent

DRIVE YOUR SELF BACK THIS HILL
IN A INSTANT !

breaks release as quick
Like illegal gunshots

Laughed warnings
Blues riff their way to me
All I Hear is yeaahh

To slide down there
Would be the next adventure
But to climb back up
Would be like
Climbing up a mountain
With toothpicks

come and join this gang
They look like
Real cars
but my engines a videotape

it will feel like your a pea
And the whole group is a
Big piece
Of pasta

My engine weaves
through this big place
stopping
then starting again

eyes wearily
Stop at me
as if to say
You’ve gotta swim with this
Tide or you
get eaten Alive man

we skitter about this
Place as weeks turn
Into months
that awkward eye flash
Is now a firm
hug of approval

as hands grip
Flesh that
Is not metal
actual human flesh

my wheels are
Now legs
I’ve fell over again
But not crashed
Into oncoming motorways
just into walls and doors

as we sit and weave our
Laughed and mouthed
revolutions
Into patterns that bobble out into infinity

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One Response to “neal pike mouthy tour.wandering metal flesh working title”

  1. poetclare September 8, 2014 at 1:48 pm #

    Hi Neil,

    Lots to like here. The poem feels chaotic and surreal, and full of anger and energy, and it’s an enjoyable ride. I also thought the car metaphor worked really well – the whole journey of life thing, and the way cars are associated with young men, but also it’s about feeling not-human, being used…

    I like the idea of a ‘one gear town’ and there are some brilliant, really original descriptions of the cars. ‘engines ring out like / 4 am church bells on walks home’ is genius. Some other lovely images too – the dolphin chorus of laughter down the steep hill.

    I have one general note about content which is beware too many mixed metaphors eg:

    My engine that used
    To be a heart
    But is now a bloody coke
    Can full of maggots and flies

    That squirm like
    Drunk penguins
    All over my rusted
    Twenty seven year old skin shell

    This is a bit too much for me!! I like the heart as coke can, and can go with the idea of it being full of flies (attracted to the sugary dregs) but drunk penguins! Why are flies like drunk penguins? And then the heart is full of flies – the flies are INSIDE the heart INSIDE the body – but the penguins seem to be dancing on the ‘skin shell’ of you – the outside. It’s a muddle I can’t picture. I think simpler images can be more powerful.

    I also wonder whether you could just trim a bit here and there as some of it seems a bit baggy. Are there any verses you could drop? Do you need the bit about the pea and the pasta for example?!

    The other general note is just that this needs a good proofread. It’s currently full of little grammatical mistakes, missing words, misspellings, inconsistent capitalisation etc. Some won’t get picked up on spellcheck either so here is a rough list –

    – a car has brakes not breaks

    -HUMAN not HUMAM

    -BANANA not BANNANA

    -ribs not rubs

    – slightly not sliitghly

    -DRIVE YOURSELF BACK THIS HILL is missing a word

    -‘you’re a pea’

    -‘I’ve fell over’ should be ‘I’ve fallen over’

    You might want to try and be a bit more consistent as to whether you put capitals at the beginnings of lines or not too.

    Just small tweaks, but would be good to get these sorted for the zine. Otherwise, really good work, thanks for letting me read,

    best
    Clare x

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