Neal pike 4th edit tour poem -can’t decide on the title

20 Sep

Shuffling up this
One gear hill
In a no gear car
In a crowd full of legs and arms
In a one gear town

I am this red car with
A dodgy second album
In my CD player

It’s the same street where everybody knows
You and wish you knew nobody here , so I could find my own
gleam of gold in a world of beige paint

That is not in a bottle of beer
Or in pages of endless books

But in the world around me
That scratches against my metal skin
Not a world of dive bars
And comic shops

But beaches
Bookshops and open roads

The xylophone keys my ribs
Used to be charmed themselves
Into metal structures of doubt and loathing

When it was a heart
It pumped
The sounds of loveliness and laughter
Around it’s heart

I made music once

I’m just a mess of one gear the
Others are floating turtles in around the waters
Of Portsmouth

This is is a hill I havnt seen
Before or that person or that car

Towards that place you have dreamed
But felt too colourless to come
for two years straight

To the place where cars meet
To let there engines ring out like
4 am church bells on drunken walks home

You will be as welcome
As that time you
wore cut off denim shorts
To a Halloween party

you are not a car
you are not a Human
You just that piece
of banana skin I put down
to keep you
down here in this foot hill
Of useless

Tak tak noises in my chest
Sound like heartbeats
Or what heartbeats should sound like

it’s a noise of free laughter
From the bellies of people
who are people

You need I need this
when penguins where waddling after you
Again
You should of driven straight here away from that hideous nonsense

You always used to think they changed direction
Instead of signalling changes
Yours as been flashing for too long and your just
Rusting on that road

I’m dragging you here
like a dead rat on a string
go and charge in there
it’s a loud place they all laugh
And swear and cry and drink
but they are human

You are more human than
You fooled yourself to be

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One Response to “Neal pike 4th edit tour poem -can’t decide on the title”

  1. mouthypoets September 20, 2014 at 9:08 pm #

    Hi Neal

    THIS IS GREAT, really enjoyed reading it and I think it is going to be a really exciting opportunity for you to take it to the stage. Amazing amazing work. I have really focused on honing in on what I love and rolling in on that as I know now is for memorising! There are some tiny tweaks I have suggested and 1 question – tried to make these as quick and easy as poss!

    LOVE
    -The first line “Shuffling up this one gear hill” lovely verb to open up with and a very clear image that really sets the tone of the piece… Actually whole first stanza builds that image wonderfully and has a great sense of rhythm to it that reflects the image you are building.
    -Great use of stanzas as units of meaning, each gives me a new element of what is going on and is helping me build a very clear and enjoyable chunk of narrative.
    -Really like the xylophone keys of your ribs because some how that conjours quiet a car-like sound but is still personifying the far and attaching it to you. It works for all layers of the poem and is also a very fresh image.
    -Like how you float off into quiet a dreamy place talking about your heart then real it back into talking about your one gear, it is a nice pinning back to reality.
    -Love “this foot hill of useless”
    -Really enjoying the last 3 lines

    QUESTIONS
    -Not sure I understand this stanza-
    It’s the same street where everybody knows
    You and wish you knew nobody here , so I could find my own
    gleam of gold in a world of beige paint
    – what does everybody know? Can you make this a bit clearer? Maybe this is a typo?

    SUGGESTIONS

    1. Title – I feel like you struggle with titles alot. Have a look here https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/01/29/top-5-purposes-of-a-title/ and come up with 5 possible titles for each “title purpose” then get mouthy to vote on it via the blog?

    2. Touch more specificity in places; which beach/es? which book shops, which bottle of beer, which open roads? Just go through and see where you could nail down the specificity a bit more to give a sense of tone – Skegness sets a very different tone to the poem to the Bahama’s when it comes to beaches.

    3. Cut this stanza
    You need I need this
    when penguins where waddling after you
    Again
    You should of driven straight here away from that hideous nonsense
    -The penguins feel like too much of a mixed metaphor when geographically I feel like I am in Portsmouth and I feel like it adds to the ending stanza’s which feel much stronger.

    See you Monday!
    Debris

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