neal pike sst8 headline show first draft

6 Jan

so yeah like all my first drafts its a sprawling mish mash of ideas and styles
feed back i want

is it too sprawling
do i need to go in deeper with some ideas
does the list poem ending work
should i come out of the metaphor more
what works
what doesnt



I’ve left a hole in your garden gate
as Dave gilmours guitar is a runner bean
inside of your ears

a beer in my hand
Yeah it’s one of your beers dad
I sneak past you

dig myself into your garden
Amongst roast potato memories of
You doing the same years ago
With your

mother in a house
I never knew

I watch you
Bathed in aubergine purple
Tread around your garden
Throwing sausages into a pan

to feed three bellies and put
A cracked egg smile on your face
after a 8 hour shift where you
feed lorries till they bloom

i throw wine gums
of information at you
when you realise that this
ghost in the garden is me

football and music the seeds
you planted in me when I was young
read the sports pages on Sundays
as you cleaned soiled beer pipes

I look at my hand ,you are now
saying theres plenty to some people in the living room
as three for dinner becomes five

In this hand is a few wine gums ive hold back
hold back for a while ,not red ones through anger
just wine gums of thanks and pride

yeah we are two spiky firey chillies
at times by that I mean I most of the time

we havnt quite managed to split that
chilli of parents and friendship

We are that line in the middle
one minute I am throwing stuff verbally at you
because that what kids do to parents

the next I have you in a skip on fire
that is what friends that have attached themselves to them
because close friends always bounce back
and worm themselves into you

Im back on that garden surface with
these wine gums of thanks in my hand

One by one I throw them at you
thanks for
cracking open my mind and filling it with music
and when the sky is a dark cloud filled with nothing
its okay to chill back with a glass of whisky and pink Floyd
but its better to do something like laugh like hyenas
and to love people who love you back
and laugh at the ones don’t love you

I jump down from my perch pour you a beer
its head is a ice cream
but you wouldn’t want me perfect

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One Response to “neal pike sst8 headline show first draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 15, 2015 at 9:58 pm #

    Hi Neal,

    I love the specific imagery and detail. Love the ending especially it feels random yet accurate. The ice cream, the wine gums, the garden, the sausages – so much to see, smell and hear.

    I wonder if the poem starts on the line “I watch you”, before that I don’t really understand what happens and the rest feels more than strong enough without it.

    In terms of your question

    is it too sprawling…
    -It feels like it wants to be in 4 line stanzas?
    -I am a bit confused about the chills and the wine gums – what do they represent and why? And I am not sure if you are literally or metaphorically throwing the wine gums?

    do i need to go in deeper with some ideas
    -Potentially with the wine gums and or chilis I feel like we just want the 1 food metaphor and go deep into it or we should have many food metaphors… having 2 that are semi-gone into feels a bit confusing.

    does the list poem ending work
    I love it.

    I hope this helps Neal – overall I feel this is a clear and interesting piece!
    See you tomorrow,
    Debris x

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