neal pike saysumthin 8 headline show second draft

25 Jan

heres my second draft any feedback apprecited im aware some parts are quite repetive now but i wanted that feeling of of reliastion and turning into something you tried to deny

I watch you
Bathed in a purple jumper of light
tramp around your garden
hurling sausage into the pan as they hang from a tree

to feed three bellies and put
A cracked egg smile on your face
after a 8 hour shift where you
feed lorries till they bloom

Food in this house will always be
ready to eat to put into our bellies
you are always around for a sandwich
and a coffee to perk us up

as we scatter seeds in your ears
which you ignore or don’t hear
but we know you are there
in your garden in the kitchen

I take a bag of wine gums from
the cupboard
put them in my ears
roll them around in the mud

from my brain coverd in
music and football
the seeds you planted
when I was young
Pull them back out of my ears
some are the same
others look like you
I hold them ones back

stare at you
my face is a smile and frown
am I turning into you ?
we clash like two lions from the same pride

but hang out like two guys of a similar age
and music is the tree we hang on to when
waves hurl at us
Three for dinner becomes five
as I hear you say THERES PLENTY!
from my plant pot on the worktop

I throw these wine gums at you
you catch them in your hands and say
you only always talk about football and music
and other stuff but mainly music and football

The other stuff you don’t want to hear
but I don’t want them to rot inside my skull anymore
so I them throw them at you and scuttle to get you a beer
one of your beers
We are the same but slightly different
the seeds you planted in my head
some became chillies which
we throw and burn each other with

thanks for
cracking open my mind and filling it with music
and when the sky is a dark cloud filled with nothing
its okay to chill back with a glass of whisky and pink Floyd
but its better to do something like laugh like hyenas
and to love people who love you back
and laugh at the ones don’t love you
I jump down from my perch pour you a beer
its head is a ice cream
but you wouldn’t want me perfect

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One Response to “neal pike saysumthin 8 headline show second draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 27, 2015 at 11:33 am #

    Hey up Neal,

    The main thing I’m missing in this poem is clarity. So many great images, but all squashed together in a wonderfully fast paced poem, they sort of cancel each other out and just leave me a bit confused.

    ‘I watch you
    Bathed in a purple jumper of light
    tramp around your garden
    hurling sausage into the pan as they hang from a tree’

    I know that this poem takes place in a kitchen because I’m privy to earlier drafts. But I don’t think a first time listener/reader would get that from this first stanza.

    There’s a few sporadic references/images like ‘we clash like two lions from the same pride’, which are so far removed from the language of the rest of the poem, that they stick out like a sore thumb.

    There’s a couple of contradictions in the poem that make it hard to sort of decode it. In your first stanza, sausages hang from a tree. Later, ‘music is the tree we hang from’. Bringing back that image is a bit confusing to me, and doesn’t work as well as ‘thanks for cracking open my mind and filling it with music’, which ties in nicely with ‘A cracked egg smile on your face’ in the first stanza. That’s sick.

    My advice is two fold.

    1. Write down what it is you’re trying to say in its simplest terms in a separate document, then look back at your draft and see if you think you’re achieving that.

    2. I challenge you to put it in a bop form. With your first, introductory stanza setting the scene, your second stanza exploring your relationship with your dad, and the last stanza reflecting on that/revisiting the ideas of the first.
    I think the line count will force you to choose the images that compliment each other and work best in the poem.

    There’s a SLAYING poem hiding in this forest of images. Grab ya machete and find it mate 🙂

    Joshua Judson

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