Jeiran – Say Sum Thin 8 – Scratch Draft

6 Feb

It was dark. His darling call vibrated

through the air. It was us. Working

class fliers. Edged closer

by our accents. Entrapped

over midnight and Desperados.

Sprouting beard. Frayed shirts, not vintage

or Retro. Tobacco

Stained fingers, we used to lace.

Travelled trains to coast

lines, greasy chips in our thumbs,

in our chests we burped

our love.

 

— Darling?

 

It used to be a pirate hook, pulling me in.

His frays are gone.

 

–“Why don’t we ever go eat anywhere else?”

 

The question dares.

 

— “We met here. This is our exclusive place, remember?”

 

I don’t want to

 

— “Remember?”

 

He wipes his mouth clean with a napkin, folding

it back. Crisp.

 

What did you see in me? Continuing

the conversation, I wait for him to laugh

and paint

my face in the tomato sauce of his plate

 

or belch out a burp.

I would gladly echo it back and we’d be

like those starting lovers like we were.

 

we were.

As if something had shoved

a fish hook down his throat

and reeled

out all his grubby,

greasy, grime.

 

My chips kamikaze

into their ketchup

limp and soggy.


Feedback:

How is the imagery? Does it work?

Do the line breaks push the poem?

Kamikaze line– how does it work? What does show? (I’m trying to figure if it works or not.)

Tech Req. 

Lighting: Purple Wash, Isolated spotlight.

Props: Small round table, chair/s, a fake rose?

Audio: In my head a mic is propped up as I sit down (on a stand.) Somewhere else, I would have a live voice over to help me out with the dialogue, so a second mic backstage.

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One Response to “Jeiran – Say Sum Thin 8 – Scratch Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets February 6, 2015 at 10:22 pm #

    really like this. visavi imagary – it took me a couple of reads to get all the seeds for the pirate image – and that ‘the frays are gone’ refers back to the frays on his shirt. when i realized that i really liked it. can’t tell whether it’d be better to keep that as is or push the pirate image and make it a bit more obvious for the performance as people will only hear it once – something to think on but as the food imagery and burping are much stronger it might be worth pedaling the pirate a bit more – made me think of peter pan when i got it which given the note of childishness and loss of, is a useful resonance.
    not entirely convinced by kamakasi – can’t really say why, but it doesn’t fit for me.

    hope that helps,
    Jo x

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