Chris McLoughlin – Line Edit, Tech wish list, approx time

9 Feb

No. of Lines

Approx 15-17

Estimated Time

3 minutes

Technical wishlist

A dim, low light wash for the first stanza. A supermarket-bright white wash for the second stanza. A normal wash for the third stanza. A microphone, microphone stand 😀 Perhaps a chair, but not sure yet – props like a notebook? But will provide myself.

Where I am

After struggling with my poem, I decided use a Rondeau framework, and adapt it. I’ve yet to work on the half rhymes needed for the scheme, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot from putting it into this form – there is a definite need for an injection of the humour seen in the first draft, and I’m aware there’s several points where I show and don’t tell. I’ll be working on this, and hopefully aim to put another draft up here in the next few days. But, for now …


A cardboard box labyrinth, curtains sealed from children’s laughter outside.

In a pile of probate forms and mortgage overdues, a closed notebook lies

wondering how I’ll paint a person who used to be. Dearest, Forever, Departed,

ink stains that blot out the words beneath. So I reminisce my way to the fridge

for another beer, buried between takeaway caskets and mouldy jam.

Tesco’s in September. The Alpha male pockets a pack of doughnuts, hands me one.

I sneak away to phone my mum, confessing my confectionary crime, my sugary sin.

A rumble betrays her stifled giggle. She says, ‘We all mistakes, but

try not to nick any doughnuts again’.

I glance back, and the notebook’s filled with some story about

a junk food junky, a modern day Krispy Kreme Kray twin.

It says all I need to remember. We’re all human. All we can do is our best,

And when the chains of self-loathing wrap their way around my spine

I remember, Pope said to err is human, or as Eileen might put it

Try not to nick any doughnuts again.

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