SST8 Chris McLoughlin – Final Draft

16 Feb


Tesco’s in September. Lottie pockets a 99p packet of doughnuts, hands me one.

I eat the doughnut.

And suddenly, every shopper’s an undercover cop

Hidden between the pretzels and pop

I pop the collar of my hoodie

No way the feds are catching me

I’m a contemporary Krispy Kreme Kray twin

The Doughnut Desperado of Dunstable

Hood up, head down, I walk toward the till

My palms are sweaty, I start to feel

A sugar crash, got a bit of a headache

Worried my expression will give me away

I catch the gaze of an aging security guard

He frowns, rising from his chair

I realise, I’ve got sugar round my lips

I wipe it off, a junk food junky

Shuffle past security,

Outside, the cool air feels fresh on my face, until I hear

‘Excuse me sir.’

The uniform’s behind me, hand outstretched

And I ready myself for the imminent arrest

‘You dropped this,’ he says, passing me my bus pass

‘Right. Thank you. Cheers. Class.’

And when I’m well out of earshot

‘Pig!’, so my mates think I’m shit hot.

But later on, as we balloon the story in the park

I can’t stop this feeling I’m now Wrong

See, I’ve seen what happens to boys who live my way

Who lose their way,

It starts small, but grows up faster than they can,

follows them, so they’re always in its shadow

So I get on the phone to my Mum

To confess my slip into the criminal underworld

How I was on the run from the checkout girl

She stays silent for a full minute

And I can feel the gavel about to fall

‘When I was young, I used to follow the milk van

Down the road, and when the milk man

Was looking away, I’d snatch a couple of bottles

So you see, Doughnut Desperado

You’re speaking to the dairy Queen of Burglary’

A rumble betrays a stifled giggle, and I can picture you stroking your duck fluff

freshly shaved head, with chemo skinny fingers,

the way you did when you were amused, or surprised, or scared

The weight on my shoulders lifts as we chuckle

Before your tone sharpens, for the inevitable telling off

‘We all make mistakes, but Chris,

try not to nick any doughnuts again’.


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