SST9 first draft neal pike

31 May

its very rambly and i dont like the structure atm want to nail into some form feedback greatly apprcitaed but the context is mostly what i want to say

my good left ear

can hear the rhythmic bashing of frying pans
from the bottom of hill in

this august carnival sky

somewhere in south London

soon the sound will skitter past me

and the reverles will come with

red strip dropping from their fingers

and tree stump joints in their gaping mouths

past this coconut stall

ive been holding coconuts

holding this carnival stall

since the sky was black and white

my hands have become hard

like a coconut

but without the milk

that drips through them

my hands resemble the wood

of my stall
my last year

coconuts congrete in box beside me

waiting to be drilled and drunk

the sky starts to smell like

like battery acid but sweeter

i let my eyes become stalks

the customers will come

the dancing shall be around me

the familiarity of everything

a hand pokes in me the chest

“bruv your going to miss says someone my age smoke and ash around his beard miss all young uns swaying around like drunk leaves in the summer sky”

we forget that we where not born with walking sticks and a earing aid

we where this

I let my finger become a pistol at the person

throwing up at midday outside hmv

that once was a newsagents

we where him

we came at 5 am when sun was warmed up the

faded beer stains of our tee shirts

opened the door

carrying a coconut

which mum with a tiger smile

on her face hacked into piecies

look into your suited

button downed shirt brain

we didn’t just become us we lived

yeah we may not of

let our fists become bricks

on a Tottenham high street
but we were not the

8 pm to bed angels we

think we where

smoke still covers my lungs

as I reach my hand to cover my mouth

it sounds like drums

and dodgy music

that used to be dub its now

called dubstep

they are here past me now

onto the green expanse near my coconut stall

they where still there till the sun is dancing

in Australia

il be in bed by 10 these days

I grab a coconut from its

batterd box

drill a straw into it

hand it to the girl who probably

has been there a while

“thank you mr coconut man
I heard everything of that”

my mouth is a coconut

with three holes

drilled into It

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3 Responses to “SST9 first draft neal pike”

  1. MouthyPoets June 1, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

    Really strong imagery and a really strong character/narrator. Great first draft. I’d like to see more of what links the coconut stall to the character. I’d also be very interested in how you’re thinking of performing it. Is the character angry/depressed/nonchalant/tired? – Sarah

  2. deedenie13 June 3, 2015 at 1:31 am #

    Hey Neal

    I agree with the comment on the imagery, what I actually felt was the pace of it towards the end, specially with you speaking of the dub step, I almost got the vibe of the place. For this reason, I am also very keen to see how it will be performed and how this narrator feels about it all.

    One line got me confused though is this “bruv your going to miss says someone my age smoke and ash around his beard miss all young uns swaying around like drunk leaves in the summer sky”. I really don’t know why but just that confused me. I am not entirely sure what it means. Feel free to message me and we can talk about it like you did with mine.

    Dee xxx

  3. MouthyPoets June 8, 2015 at 8:53 pm #

    First two lines, I couldn’t help but think about Harry Potter when the pans are washing themselves. I would be great if parties and carnivals could clean up after themselves. I kind of want to know where the milk has gone (but that’s just me, I’m weird). I like the line “dancing shall be around me” and the imagery of “throwing up at midday in front of hmv” I also like the exchange with the girl at the end.
    Ingrid

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