Jei – SST9 – Second Draft

19 Jun

Closure is just out of reach

I am clawing this white space in between my eyeballs and eyelids

– The saying goes, you deserve someone who will love you better

someone will love you better.

The door swung open

–So someone has to leave for something to start.

 The door swung open and they left

with an overnight bag,

I ripped apart their open return ticket, shaped it into a single//

single handily

soothed by the clean space

sometimes thunderstorm clouds hover over my head, filled with whispers

I should’ve

I could’ve

I would’ve

a stone is  resting on my chest, as I lie in bed,

my ribs could collapse,

is this what quitters feel like? if so I would want to quit forever

stage one of rehab is being clean almost as much as you have been dirty

clean as much as you have been intoxicated.

we were ploughing through walls, into the future, our hands clasped

our hands clasped promising never to go back

or look back

the past was a place we tried not to inhabit

yet someone deserves to love me better

I deserve to have someone to love me better

so they packed away

away from me

I am numb drowning in my quicksand duvet

spring break has been and gone

is this a break or a break up?

I’m not waiting for the answer,

I am deaf to the signs

death is maybe something closer

– In your palm, you have been lost within yourself,

your loves and lovers have been your bandages

shed them like cocoons, un piercing that discovery

if you were a butterfly

you’d be the butterfly that was stuck in a spiders web in your primary school playground

you saved it; its gratitude did not swell up Disney-like. It  flew away with a hole in it’s

wing, you wished for karma.

I guess I should stop looking out of the window like a Jane Austen novel, swooning

for my gallop into the sunset?

– if you keep searching the art of love will remain in the abstract. You are your heart; you are your hurts and gatherings.  As a Virgo you must keep things tidy and clear up the mess. In the future you will meet a tall dark man. It may be your father. If you go further East, the man may be as tall as you.

What about the one with the overnight bag? Do I hide, do I wait? Willing our ending end reunited like a 90’s chic flick? Specifically, the one with Heath Ledger.

–  If I would answer, I’d say it in a cliché  or an R&B song. But you already know.

 – Closure is just a tip toe away, in between the space between my  eyeballs and eyelids.


Feedback Guidance:  How does the Tarot reading come across? And the stanza about ‘we were’ thing, I mean this is mostly a closure poem but it slips back into some of the past so I don’t know if that works. Any  ideas on how to execute the tarot reader would be cool.

Collabo:  Someone to be the tarot reader. I’ve asked Matt to play bass for this poem (Still need to double check with him on this though)

Tech:  The bass would need some sort of tech. Also I’d probably want something mystic projected on to the whole thing, I quite liked the kaleidoscope thing we did at a session a while back. Also if I’m being ambitious in terms of props I’d say a table, dark/mystic table cloth and a crystal ball (?)….  Also for the tarot reader, I’d probably need a mic. Either on stage of off stage.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Jei – SST9 – Second Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets June 26, 2015 at 10:13 pm #

    Hey Jei,

    Really interesting work play, consideration of using the whole bredth of the page and really emotive/etherial/contemporary/popculture references all existing in one place here. I actually didn’t get the tarot thing until the end… I am not sure if that is good or bad, maybe it is just because I haven’t had that experience?

    I want to give feedback but I am not sure I fully get what kind of closure you are talking about, could you maybe bullet point for me:
    -The narrative of this poem both literally what is happening in the poem and also what is happening emotionally for you during each of these points? If I could get this in like 5-10 bullet points that would help?
    -Also why is the device of the Tarot so important and what impact is that having on the closure? Not sure I got the connection on one reading but I think with this info and another reading that would be really helpful?

    Think once you have the answers to these it would be really good for you to come into an editing session 🙂
    Debris

  2. cleoasabre July 1, 2015 at 8:11 pm #

    Here are some questions I have straight away –

    Why is the space white? What does this signify; can space really be a colour? Space is entirely transparent and does not have a colour so unless there’s a point to the “white space” here, I would cut it.

    Why does someone have to leave for something to start?

    Could you come up with a better way of essentially saying “shoulda woulda coulda’? It’s very cliché.

    Is there something heavier you could think of that rests on your chests? Maybe something with more emotional weight to it?

    Slightly confused about “I would want to quit forever” – is this some kind of suicidal thought? Or is it that you enjoy the feeling of being a quitter (whatever that may feel like). Stephen interpreted it one way, and I the other. So which is it if it either?

    “We were ploughing through walls into the future, our hands clasped” down to “never to go back or look back” is all very familiar and I wonder if you could say this differently or show the reader – never to go back where?

    The Tarot reading does come across but it still feels very much like the same voice all the way through. It could work to have a real shift in character here. I want it to sound like somebody else is talking. Describe the tarot reader? I have no idea where this piece is set, what the scenario is, nothing. Once you have these, and get some of those descriptions in the poem, depicting the tarot reader will probably follow suit.

    I see what you mean about this being a closure poem that slips into the past. It’s got an air of pained nostalgia about it. There’s nothing wrong with slipping into the past though; I think that’s where closure comes from anyway – evaluating the past and using that experience to avoid the same thing happening again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: