Raisa.ss9 draft second one

19 Jun

I have just arrived on the forest recreation ground.

The yearly carnival tradition in Nottingham

My head Sways like the waves on the sea shore

My

heart is beating like the equator beneath  the  crust. Nervous smiles erupt like a volcano

it’s been a long time

since

my smile became organic

and

not wasted for the seconds of today

waiting to be trod on tomorrow.

So dismal steering into many crowds of faces.. Searching through my mind of warped memories that have long passed…

They flicker by whilst closing my eyes… Trying to not enter into that phase of missing you yet…or I’m missing out on what!

Every year at the carnival something has changed

From being with a group of friends

One year

To having none of them around.

But a baby in my womb

With the need to share this time.

A need to celebrate this time

With hugs of joys…leaving handprints of pulsed fingertips

On my stomach…

Those hugs that last forever…

The need from me to

Have this part of my life shared

With my passed time friends…

On the carnival last year where the heavens break loose…

Pouring rain drops of life

Into reality.

At this point those faces became foes…foes that never became heroes….

I

Let the tears of life run freely from cheek to floor for i cannot hide this emotion even if I could.

I’d hide my head in shame like a swan

My legs slowly collapse my stomach is stretching pain has triumphed.

This place has nostalgia tattooed to every square metre of this green flash backs  of good of bad…

Loss and gain…

This year I have my son

We will dance to the reggae sounds they play….

Sway and cheer it’s just another day for us..

Music is just the dna in our body map

I love you son welcome to the carnival 2015! Your journey our journey has just begun

Advertisements

One Response to “Raisa.ss9 draft second one”

  1. MouthyPoets June 26, 2015 at 10:05 pm #

    Hey Raisa,

    LOVE
    -Your heart as an equator
    -I love the recreation, tradition, nottingham sounds at the beginning they give that sense of flowing like the sea or lava… I also love the contract between those two different types of flow.
    -I love these lines – ‘it’s been a long time since / my smile became organic’
    -I feel like it says so much in very few words and it feels pure and serene yet it moves and is important and captures a really essential tradition in your life but also many peoples.
    -The images of people touching your belly and how hard that feels next to the shame and the absence of people being there for you – I felt quiet emotional at this point and I felt like I wanted more detail about what people did or didn’t say you know to make you feel so alone or like you wanted to leave?

    QUESTIONS
    -I am not sure I understand this bit – ‘So dismal steering into many crowds of faces.. Searching through my mind of warped memories that have long passed… They flicker by whilst closing my eyes… Trying to not enter into that phase of missing you yet…or I’m missing out on what!’

    SUGGESTIONS –

    So there are three main things I would like to challenge you to do…

    1. Put all your verbs in http://www.thesaurus.com and make sure they are the best ones you could choose. (Verbs are the doing/moving words like; arrive, sways, became… if you’re not sure put it in the thesaurus and it will tell you). I feel like your verbs could be working a bit harder to convey the emotion of this.

    2. Edit this poem into 3 line stanza’s really thinking about where and why you are breaking the line – is the line break to show a pause to realise something, or a breathe in the music of the poem or a change in meaning or a new image? Read the poem out loud trying different line breaks to see how it impacts meaning?

    3. Take out any words you don’t need – often a line break or stanza break can do the work of a word so hopefully this should happen naturally as you do task too.

    To show you what I mean I have started editing the poem along these lines…

    I arrive
    the forest
    recreation ground.

    Carnival tradition in Nottingham
    Head sways waves on the sea shore.
    My heart is the equator.

    Nervous smiles erupt like a volcano
    it’s been a long time since
    my smile became organic

    …What do you think…? Could you give these a go?

    Great second edit by the way, it feels like such an honour to see your work grow the way I have been privy too. It is awesome! You are awesome! See you tomorrow.

    Debris x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: