James fields 2nd draft- Emily (Updated)

20 Jun

Emily

The world is mine

your opinion is irrelevant.

I emerge from nowhere and descend into your dreams, invading your peaceful illusions as a spectre leaving chaos, damnation and fear in my wake.

Destroying your emotions, I leave hope and happiness cowering in the corner as I stride forward to send them into an effervescent inferno.

Mourn the life you knew as I display my misanthropic stature.

my friends and loved ones call me a selfish, repugnant human, using them as mere stepping stones to build a business empire.

I Revealed myself as a self satisfying demon, a war torn machination.

So Forfeit your will to me.

Forfeit your dreams to me.

Forfeit your very being.

What do u know about power. I claim souls. Do you understand me?

I wreck the sanity of all who dare to even understand the ferocity I cage within the haunted chambers of my mind.

I am the fire and the fury.

I don’t need love nor affection.

They are tenets for atrocities of the heart.

I don’t need them anymore.

No love without pain.

I lost my faith in such illusions.

It was her.

Emily.

She tore my blissful fantasies apart, leaving contempt, hatred and scorn the only virtues I believe in.

Memories stained in my mind of the time we first met.

We locked eyes at Club 48, while smooth RnB played in the background.

She was a siren calling out to me.

Eyes as jade spheres became medusa’s gaze, freezing me were I stood

leaving me a mere witness to the delicate, resplendent sight before me.

Raven black hair as silk gently caressing her shoulders. She floated over to me, draped in a sapphire duvet.

A divine vision appearing like an epiphany.

She was mine.

No.

I was hers.

A devil obsessed with total domination of all he saw, toppled in an instant.

I did everything for her.

Anything she wanted.

Anything she dreamed I made reality.

I bowed down to her as I sold my soul willingly, fixating on her As I became a sentimental, lustful remnant of my former eminence.

She walked out the door when I claimed alcohol and drug infested parties as my mistresses.

The pain was unbearable

I vowed to never again allow myself to care about someone the way I cared about her.

I exorcised passion from my mind as a malicious poison racking my body with agony and returned to my former self

Rising from the depths of misery strengthened by an unrelenting detestation.

So look upon me as a loathsome entity.

The abhorrent behemoth.

And yield to my will as I inevitably welcome you to my callous, malevolent paradise.

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2 Responses to “James fields 2nd draft- Emily (Updated)”

  1. secondanne June 25, 2015 at 11:58 am #

    Hey James – I have a vision of you performing this in grand style – I want to know if you intend parts of this to be funny or is it all serious? I would be interested to see you mix that up because you have a real sense of comic timing and are able to build a rapport with your audience – but I also know you have a serious side which would be great to see on stage.

    Sometimes your write in an almost Shakespearean style – your use of phrases flows really well – so I’m going to call you out on some cliches – I think it’s okay to use them in your first bit as this character is all about cliche – to hide his real self I suppose.

    cliches: pain was unbearable, raven black hair as silk etc

    But when you move into the story about Emily I think you should be harsh and get rid of them – also you rush through that story and tell instead of showing us what happened –

    “I bowed down to her as I sold my soul willingly, fixating on her As I became a sentimental, lustful remnant of my former eminence.
    She walked out the door when I claimed alcohol and drug infested parties as my mistresses.
    The pain was unbearable
    I vowed to never again allow myself to care about someone the way I cared about her.
    I exorcised passion from my mind as a malicious poison racking my body with agony and returned to my former self”

    I think you rush through this too much as I would really like you to show his softer side. (I’m not sure lustful and sentimental go together.) I’d like you to show the descent into drugs and booze rather than simply say – oh she left me ’cause I got into drugs and booze.

    Good job 🙂

  2. MouthyPoets June 29, 2015 at 3:02 pm #

    Hey James

    I really like the way there is like a contemporary love story that mixes in with really grand, demonic almost mythical language here that puts us in the area between reality and myth all anchored by the title – Emily. It feels like a modern day Medusa or something and I really enjoy that interplay of concepts and language.

    It also feels like a very emotional and important poem – it feels like it is talking about a really difficult series events and ones that you/the narrator found a way out of – in fact I want to know more about how or why they found that way out? Which I think is a good sign before I am so invested in the characters.

    I really love lines like this – ‘We locked eyes at Club 48, while smooth RnB played in the background.’ Where I get a bit of specific detail, the name of the club and I think you could go even further and tell me what RNB was playing int he background, even if you don’t remember, what song should it be? What track is the backing track for this story?

    I really have 1 challenges for you…

    CHALLENGE ONE – ABSTRACT NOUNS
    Abstract nouns are the names of things we cannot touch like; love, hate, pain, faith, justice. These are really massive difficult words that most individuals disagree on – the way two people define love, justice and hate are very different and this is often where miscommunications come from. As poets, often our job is to pin down these big words into more specific images, tastes, touches so that our version of that word becomes more accessible. For example instead of saying ‘your love for me is clumsy’ you could say ‘your love shipwrecks vases’ or ‘your love is like a sun-bed’ or ‘your love is like 8 shots of tequila and a Jeager-bomb’…these are all very different versions of love! And as poets… actaully no, as people, when we are describing a situation we want to narrow down our definitions of these words to specific examples as they give us access to understand them more and gives our audience an access point to seeing, feeling and connection with what we are talking about. Does that makes sense?

    Here is a list of all the abstract nouns in your poem; peace, chaos, damnation, fear, hope, happiness, life, selfish, dreams, being, power, fury, love, affection, love, pain, faith, contempt, hatred, scorn, reality, lust, pain, passion.

    I feel like you do need some of these because the nature of the style of the writing lends itself to those grand statements of evil and heaven and hell but I think you could replace at least half of these with a detail or a movement or an image that shows me what kind of version of this emotion you are talking about. So for example –
    ‘I am the fire and the fury.’
    …Instead tell me something you/the narrator did that represents this – did you set fire to the wardrobe with your eyes? Did you hold the kettle till it boiled and your hands were bleeding? … Go through and question which of these words could be replaced with a detail.

    Does that make sense?

    I hope so as I really love this poem, it’s style, the weight of it’s content, I just need to see it more and understand the characters feelings better before I think we can get down to a nitty gritty line edit.

    Great work.
    Debris

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