Natalia Osbourne, Second Draft. Human Sacrifice

28 Jun

Human Sacrifice

Tally Osbourne

Carnival is an unassuming place for my tent

Thoughtless curiosity always wanders in.

Using their parts to embellish my position

Given up to glory gods

Offering strength to their name

Often now the ends are done in vain

Inherited from Mother to Mother to me

From this position the view is clear to see

A horrific change in human condition

This brain is a black treacle clot

Result of sickly sweet infection

This human is beyond correction

Modern world has taken its toll

Society descending a dark hole

Hair naturally graceful upon a breeze

Pride of appearance it should be.

Sacrificed to Aphrodite

No longer fondly beheld

By those in this earthly realm

Eyes unworthy of Odin

Second guessed images superimposed

By the short-circuited brain

Simulated falsities enforce exhaustion.

Lungs blowing with hundreds

Bellow so boisterous breast-plates cave in

I’ll them carve out

Bestow their strength upon Thor

For a god appreciates their power more

Teeth to stomach incompetent

Fast food force fed

Pushed down the throat so deep

Voice box can only say it’s loving it.

The heart no longer holds love

A bank vault. Arteries clogged with

Allen key trophies from your

IKEA dream home

It has withered black

Skin bleached to conceal the darkness

Making it worthless

Perhaps only the Gods and I retain the knowledge

Of the true power confined in human bodies

Tech stuff

A table(covered) human prop.

Smoke if it’s subtle, red floor lights if they have them. Curtain partially closed but could be tricky .

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2 Responses to “Natalia Osbourne, Second Draft. Human Sacrifice”

  1. secondanne June 29, 2015 at 9:05 am #

    This has a great flow to it and I can hear you speaking it and it makes me want to listen but there are jumps that make me unsure exactly what is happening so I would come away saying, yeah I like that one, but couldn’t tell you completely what was going on. Some questions:

    I’m not sure who ‘you’ are? And why you are setting up a tent? I’m guessing that given the title you are you there to sacrifice ‘this human’ to the gods? If the audience doesn’t know what the title is then there’s nothing in the opening section of the piece to explain it is a human sacrifice. An altar says sacrifice but a tent doesn’t. Mind you a person on a table covered over might help but I would still feel confused.

    Thoughtless curiosity always wanders in. (wander in?)
    Using their parts to embellish my position

    Curiosity starts off singular and then flips into plural?

    I’m also not sure about the gods – because Aphrodite is Greek and the others Norse? That confuses me.
    Really fast feedback today sorry! Email me if you need me to clarify anything!

  2. MouthyPoets June 29, 2015 at 3:22 pm #

    Hey Tally!

    Great poem, really like where its headed! Few notes below;

    ‘unassuming’ – not sure if a better word could be used here?

    Using their parts to embellish my position Given up to glory gods offering strength to their name Often now the ends are done in vain – not sure this bit is very clear, or saying what you want it to? particularly ’embellish my position’

    Inherited from Mother to Mother to me – amazing line

    This brain is a black treacle clot Result of sickly sweet infection – awesome

    not sure if the Thor and Odin references are working?

    I’ll them carve out – ?

    Allen key trophies from your IKEA dream home – awesome line, and great reference point, very accessible

    strong ending

    I think it’s shaping up to be a great poem, maybe just needs a little tightening, taking out bits that aren’t necessary to the narrative and seeing how it flows then – also maybe some of the God references are a bit jarring in the context of the rest of the poem. But overall awesome, can’t wait to see what it looks like in its final draft!

    Chris

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