Raisa SS10 ideas

4 Dec

Men

I have bled 17 years
68 months
Bent down holding
My knees…
Men
I have bled 17 years
68 months
Grabbed my
Stomach
Wanting the pain
To
Stop!
Men
I have Bled 17 years 68 months
Watching my innocent
Chest turn into breast
Men I have bled 17 years 68 months
Throwing up..
Hating this natural pain
Not seeing it as a gain
At the age of 10!
Men
I have bled 17 years 68 months
Grew from a child to a woman.
Just to be gropped
And lured at by men!
Men I have bled 17 years and 68 months
Leaking from my vagina..
Leaking from the vagina
Leaking from my womb out
In the open
Soaking up my clothes
 This is an idea is from the tax on tampons. I was enraged at the idea and this free write came out.

And

My
Womb
Cried
When
My womb cried
Tears fell from
Eye
To floor
Hands wrenched
Squeezing
My womb…
Tightly
Chocking on every gulp
Of yearning…
Deep breaths
As sounds struggle
To progress
Outside of
My body
. Silence of the loudest cry
I have my son..
Born into a world
Full of emotionless victorious
Shitpers.
Reptiles disguised as humans…
Money money money.
This idea from the Syria bombing and the innocent people and children dieing. Being murdered killed this free write came about. 

To my unborn future daughter.

To
You
My
Unborn
Unmade future daughter..
I can’t create
A life of paradise
Concocted in this world we live
In
Magical throw out the wickedness
Cuss out any man/women that
Tries to touch my princess.
You see right now
I have your older eldest brother
He’s 15 months old.
An I’m already ready to protect him..
From the world and himself.
Ready to break down all the stigmatised
Classified unjust..
That’s waiting for him like
a bull in a pit
You see some religions say we are born into
Sin.
I say you were born as a gift who learned how to sin.
Soaking up everybody’s old exhausted energy around you..
Like a sponge overdosing in bleach
Trying to cleanses your innocentness
From being too advanced
Close your eyes from things he shouldn’t
 be seeing…
Stopping people scaring his mind already “saying your a bad boy”
So 80s that sounded good
But it’s the 20th century
And my son he’s black
A black boy not a bad boy.
So please stop labeling
The child that I have raised
Out of my skin
And blood.
The heart beat I felt.
The sicknesses I had…
Don’t label him before he can do rt
Talk, before he can walk.
It’s not cool.
Not cute.
I have already cried for the
World he is born into…
I wanted to write about feminism and how a young girl Dosent kno what is waiting for her in this world I guess my writing went somewhere else but this is just a free write.
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2 Responses to “Raisa SS10 ideas”

  1. MouthyPoets December 21, 2015 at 1:39 pm #

    Hi Raisa,

    I think the first of these in particular has potential to be a very strong piece. I like the use of repetition with ‘Men’ and ‘I have bled 17 years 68 months’

    I wonder why the 68 months, rather than 22 years and 5 months? Is there significance to that choice? I think you narrator states she began bleeding at 10 years, so this would make her 32 years and five months (or 27 years and 68 months), unless you are using the idea of bleeding in a more metaphorical way also, i.e since birth….(sorry, a bit pernickety of me!)

    Could you play with a countdown? E.g start from ‘today’ and countback (or the other way), so if you are listing events that happen at different times in the narrator’s life, then it might be something like (just an example): I have bled 15 years and three months, bent down holding my knees […] I have bled 11 months, just to be groped and lured at. I have bled two months, watching my innocent chest turn to breast. Having a countdown could help give a sense of urgency and progression to the poem.

    The more detail you put in about each event the better. So ‘bent down holding my knees’ is a great evocative image, but could you tell us a bit more? It’s sometimes useful to think about it as zooming in on a particular moment, notice the surroundings, where exactly is the narrator bent down, is she alone? Are there sounds around her? Things people say, colours, smells etc… Even if you’re writing based on real life don’t be afraid to invent the details, this will actually make it seem more ‘real’.

    I also enjoyed the repetition of ‘Men’. It can come across quite confrontational in performance – probably not something to shy away from but to embrace… so you really do ‘accuse’ the men with each repetition…You might be able to play a little more with how you use the repetition, e.g when you have ‘and lured at by men’ then you start the next line ‘Men’ – you don’t really need to use to word ‘men’ twice. It can be used once and will refer both to the previous line and the upcoming line.

    You could make the most of your repetition to structure the poem in short stanzas… Each ‘Men’ could be a new stanza, or alternatively ‘men’ could end the previous stanza and each new one could start with ‘I have bled…’ etc.

    Thanks, I really enjoyed reading these!

    Hannah

    • MouthyPoets December 27, 2015 at 2:43 pm #

      Thankyou for your feedback I really do think this piece is strong and could be made even stronger. I will be putting your advice to work with this poem.

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