1st draft Beccy’s poem

16 Dec
  1. This isn’t meant to be double-spaced, sorry!
  2. I’m not sure if it being a specular/mirror poem really adds anything or if it just is confusing, what do you guys think?

Cut out

Fairy lights whined awake

the generator

for all of a second

                            stopped

our breathing. We looked up like

the eyes of someone who loves you

as you walk in

                    constellations I didn’t

recognise. In the power cut, the stars

switched on, the stars, constellations as you walk in the eyes of someone.

Who loves you?

Breathing, we looked up. Like,

stopped

a second.

 

The generator whined awake,

fairy lights.

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2 Responses to “1st draft Beccy’s poem”

  1. MouthyPoets December 21, 2015 at 1:47 pm #

    Hi Beccy,
    I really enjoyed this poem, it’s very delicate and musical, I like the way the images combine in slightly different ways. For me it doesn’t need to be exactly a mirror form, but I do like the way the images repeat. In performance, as it is it’ll be very short, you could maybe keep playing with the repetition and the variation…. Keep re-using the same words in different ways… e.g : “Breathing, eyes like constellations…. Who loves for all of a second….. stopped, as you walk in…. A second who loves you…..make it abstract then return to sense, perhaps, or the opposite…a kind of ‘theme and variation’ – just a suggestion, I like it how it is too…
    Hannah

  2. MouthyPoets January 7, 2016 at 1:41 pm #

    Hi Beccy,

    I lovvveeee this poem! It feels right to me, I am not sure I can say much more than that + feedback below!

    LOVE
    -Specular poem 100% works, I love it, I am not sure I would know if it was specular if you hadn’t told me which is kind of how you want forms to be – invisible, they should feel like a seamless part of the poem you know? And it totally totally does!
    -I really like the way you are using the page, when I read it out loud it flowed really well and felt right.
    -I really like the jumps in narrative and space like ‘stopped’ and ‘constellations’
    -‘In the power cut the stars switched on’, I love it!
    -‘switched on, the stars, constellations as you walk in the eyes of someone.’ I love this shift, switching myself on and walking from the stars into someone eyes – that has definitely happened to me, that is love to me to be honest. It feels so right!
    Who loves you?
    Breathing, we looked up. Like,
    stopped
    a second.
    I love how clipped this is, as if I am there, inside of the short breathes, the stuttering awkwardness of realising love with someone and how you take us out of that nervous excited space with so few words –
    The generator whined awake,
    fairy lights.

    QUESTIONS
    -Did the generator stop your breathing? Not sure I understood the flow of this image?

    SUGGESTIONS/CHALLENGES

    1. UNORIGINAL PHRASING
    -‘for all of a second’, I feel like this is a stock phrase/redundancy, what does it really mean?

    2. CLARITY
    -I got a bit lost in who was involved in this image…
    ‘We looked up like
    the eyes of someone who loves you
    as you walk in’
    …How many people are involved in this? WE look up like the eyes of SOMEONE who loves YOU (another person aside from the we) and YOU walk in (another person aside from all this previous)…. could you clarify this at all?

    Speak soon!
    Debris

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