Bree SST10 1st Draft

17 Dec

This is all very abstract at the moment and still working on the narrative. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Here and Then

.

I feel light.

Where I am transported back,

a single measured moment

can mean more than

the passing of time.

.

It was a dream I had,

embraced by the kindest words –

she says

I love you”.

.

I am eight.

I don’t like you”,

my mother says

as she grips my hand.

Memories –

they can only fade.

They can only fade,

memories.

As she grips my hand,

my mother says

I don’t like you”.

I am eight.

I love you”,

she says.

Embraced by the kindest words,

as if it were a dream I had.

.

The passing of time

can mean more than

a single measured moment.

I am transported back

where

I feel light.

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4 Responses to “Bree SST10 1st Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets December 20, 2015 at 4:22 pm #

    Woe Bree, loved hearing you read this out on Friday.

    There is nothing that I see that should be changed right now but that is just one opinion. Looking forward to seeing the complete thing.

    Dee

  2. beccyseaside December 26, 2015 at 6:45 pm #

    I feel like this really works as a specular poem, like something is being added to it each line. I liked the image of the ear piercing being a reminder, which you had in your performed poem. Are they two different versions of the poem or two different draft stages? I feel like in your performed poem from the last Monday session, there was a lot more concrete imagery which gave me an impression of a definite sequence of events and the speaker going through them in their mind. What I enjoy about reading this version is that, with less of those clear images, it feels like memories bubbling to the surface of someone’s mind, not really in order maybe.
    I don’t think either version is ‘better’ as a poem, I just look forward to seeing what direction it takes as it develops. Beccy S

  3. MouthyPoets December 26, 2015 at 8:20 pm #

    Bree — I feel like this really works as a specular poem, like something is being added to it with each line. I liked the image of the ear piercing being a reminder, which you had in your performed poem. Are they two different versions of the poem or two different draft stages? I feel like in your performed poem from the last Monday session, there was a lot more concrete imagery which gave me an impression of a definite sequence of events and the speaker going through them in their mind. What I enjoy about reading this version is that, with less of those clear images, it feels like memories bubbling to the surface of someone’s mind, not really in order maybe.
    I don’t think either version is ‘better’ as a poem, I just look forward to seeing what direction it takes as it develops. Beccy S

  4. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 8:40 pm #

    Hi Bree

    LOVE
    -The form here is working unbelievably well. Love the way you have altered the lineation, no need for the … in the middle, the poem is working hard enough without you pointing out any of the mechanics to me.
    -The way the meaning is shifted subtly is beautiful, I particularly like the addition of ‘as if it were a dream I had’ at the end and how the sense of relief comes with the lightness at the end, it is as if the whole poem is a tunnel – Beautiful.

    QUESTIONS
    -I am unsure as to weather the person who says I love you is the same or different as the mother… Not sure if I need to know but I am just making you aware encase this is important.

    SUGGESTIONS

    1.UNORIGINAL PHRASING
    -There are few phrases where I feel like you could be more specific or be giving me more detail about the narrator and the relationships to which they are referring…
    -‘A single measured moment.’ What does this mean? I feel like your word choices could be stronger or you could be more specific about what the actual ‘moment’ is.
    -‘Embraced in the kindest words.’ feels a bit easy, I love you kind of already is that, could you tell me another detail, how it was said, how the narrator was held or an action that accompanied the words?
    -‘They can only fade’ I know what you mean but I want a more original description I feel that the fading of memories is a very typical way of describing them. Do the corrode? Eat Away? Evaporate? How do these specific memories move?

    This poem is really close for me, I am not sure how much you want to add but it really feels about twerking to be honest and adding detail. The movement and impact is really tight for me personally.

    Debris

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