chamiah sst10 1st draft

17 Dec

You will bite your tongue because this, is not your house

you lay here to return and retreat, but your

distant somehow.

Clench so hard you taste metal in your not yet ready mouth

and that warm clogging sap will ooze its way

through the smallest of cracks to finally gasp,

for air.

He’s been cruel to you, she said

but you knew, nothing.

It gathers speed down thick lips

to drip

over the lumps and bumps disguised under a fully made up chin

no rest for wicked words they, swim on undeterred

and find pleasure in hurtling themselves

down the length of your neck.

Sitting for a while in the diamond wishing well.

Gristle walls and collar bone encase a thousand things you’d

rather bleed than say.

Rather hurt than take, mediocre happiness away.

That wishing well grants no wishes

so red paths carry on

unable to mind the gap existing, between uneven arch of breast

where countless biding time fingers and carried away palms may

or may not

have come to rest.

You, couldn’t tell

you, could have been filled

up

scooped

out

but, you couldn’t tell

there could be a tap left on somewhere that

drips

drips

drips

into cupped palms raised to thirsty lips

that smacked and slurped all over this but,

you couldn’t tell

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3 Responses to “chamiah sst10 1st draft”

  1. MouthyPoets December 20, 2015 at 4:33 pm #

    Hey Chamiah

    I really like the narrative voice in this and you have some powerful images in there as well like, this line really got me “Gristle walls and collar bone encase a thousand things you’d

    rather bleed than say”, wow. I love the numbness of the narrative, its so cold yet what is being talked about is really quite dark (if I am getting this right).

    One suggestion: consider changing the first line into a more defined imperative command ie “YOU WILL BITE YOUR TONGUE BECAUSE THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE!” as if it has been shouted by somebody else, said too many times and may come across as a lot more sinister, ignore my capitals,. Another note: Consider finding a synonym for the word ‘bite’ with the tongue.

    Question: Can you bring out the ‘He’ a lot more? he is mentioned once, isn’t really given qualities and as a result I am not really sure how to feel about him or even if I should notice him at all, yet he feels quite central to the story. It depends on what your objective is with the ‘he’ and what you want your audience to take from it.

    Looking forward to more.

    Dee

  2. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 11:58 pm #

    I absolutely love this – (hope you’re not looking for something massively constructive because that’s the most I can say!)
    I especially like the way you’ve put in subtle rhymes, had to say it aloud to pick up on them so I’m looking forward to hearing it too! The imagery is great too 🙂
    Charlie

  3. MouthyPoets January 5, 2016 at 12:33 pm #

    Hi Chamiah,

    LOVE
    -‘Over the lumps and bumps disguised under a fully made up chin’ I love the way you create movement, such interesting word choices and construction of images with a ongoing sense of travel that I really enjoy.
    -‘find pleasure in hurtling themselves
    down the length of your neck.’ … Really nice contrast of pleasure and pain that feels really accurate of love and abuse.
    -‘Rather hurt than take, mediocre happiness away.’ Unforuntately so true of so many people, it’s one of those lines in a poem or in life that you really don’t want to hear but really damn need to!
    -I love the ending, the rhythm the way water drips through the whole poem and into my hands and to my lips it is sensual, tempting and scary all at the same time. I also like how it drips down the page and towards me.
    -Really love the overall movement of the piece – I have challenged you to re-lineate this piece in the challenges section but I just want to give props to how you are thinking about breaking the line it is both visually and aurally interesting and considered,I have done this more to push you to think about tightening up language and image order 🙂

    QUESTIONS
    -Not sure I understand what is happening/ what I am supposed to be seeing in this line ‘where countless biding time fingers and carried away palms may…’?

    SUGGESTIONS/ CHALLENGES

    1. LINEATION/ CLARITY AND ORDER OF IMAGES/ REDUNDANCIES
    -What is your lineation premise? I am really not sure at the moment and at time sI am getting lost in the amount of words/images you are putting next to each other or cutting up and getting a bit lost.
    -I wonder if I could challenge you to re-lineate this piece first for sense, so every line and stanza is a consistent unit of sense. Once you have done that – cutting out anything that detracts from sense, then re-lineate again for realisation as it feels like at the core of this poem is realisation, trying to look after yourself, I think. I have started doing this below to give you a sense of what I mean (obviously sense and realisation might happen in different places to you but hopefully this demonstrates what I mean)…

    E.g. For sense…

    You will bite your tongue
    because this, is not your house.

    you retreat here,
    distant somehow.

    Clench till you taste metal
    in your not yet ready mouth.

    Warm sap will clog its way
    into cracks of air.

    ‘He’s been cruel to you’, she said
    but you knew, nothing.

    Her words gather speed
    down thick lips, over the lumps

    disguised under a fully made up chin
    swim on undeterred

    find pleasure in hurtling
    down your neck.

    E.g. For Realisation…

    You will bite
    your tongue because
    this, is not your
    house. You retreat

    here, distant somehow.
    Clench till you taste
    metal in your not yet
    ready mouth. Warm

    sap will clog its way into cracks
    of air. ‘He’s been
    cruel to you’, she said but
    you knew, nothing.

    Her words gather
    speed down thick
    lips, over the lumps
    disguised under a fully made up
    chin, swim on undeterred

    find pleasure
    in hurtling down
    your neck.

    2. CLICHES/ UNORIGINAL LANGUAGE
    -Watch out for phrases that feel a bit atypical of a love poem, challenge yourself to use some less obvious words or ask yourself what you really mean here and how this could more specifically describe this one situation you are describing – what makes it different from any other? Some specific phrases I want to challenge -‘no rest for wicked words’ // ‘distant somehow’ // ‘He’s been cruel to you’ // ‘May or may not have come to rest’

    I hope this is helpful – if you have any questions let me know. I really enjoyed hearing you read in the last session and am so excited to see how this grows, especially as you start reading it as I think you have really great style both as a writer and a performer!

    Debris

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