Chris – SST10 draft 1

17 Dec

Bit cliché, as first drafts tend to be 😀

Little Flame

(Part One – Epilogue)

 

In our playground

the red-blue-red-blue

stroked the tarmac

too often.

 

Nicking sweets

or punches thrown

like explosions.

 

They were explosions.

 

Dynamite catching light

from the spark inside,

the few that

still had their flames.

 

Mine was old,

gas cooker low,

too many dousings

from Can’t, Don’t

& Not Like That.

 

When the day came

that the sun shrivelled,

blackholed my eyes,

I was sure it was gone,

just fumes and smoke

and the black ash

that marked where that

little flame had once stood,

Little Flame

(Part Two – Prologue)

 

but I was wrong.

 

It was still there,

hiding in the night sky,

the last star

in a solar system

beneath my skin.

 

And then I found them.

 

Lone stars brought together

under the Sky Mirror,

 

lost, flickering,

their flames nearly out,

but when one would flicker

threatening to fall cold,

another would touch it.

 

That’s the thing with fire,

isn’t it?

 

So long as you’re still flammable,

it only takes on touch

from another’s flame,

 

and yours is given life again.

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One Response to “Chris – SST10 draft 1”

  1. MouthyPoets January 5, 2016 at 6:12 pm #

    Hi Chris,

    Soooooo this nearly made my cry in Lee Rosy’s – it connects a lot with my own life, the school I went to and how I found my own spark in the spoken word community. What a special thing to write and share and a brave thing to work at – I am always terrified to write creatively about my journey!

    LOVE
    -You mentioned cliches in your intro, and you know I am a cliche ninja but I feel like this poem skates along the familiar in quiet a healthy, warm and accessible way rather than an easy unconsidered one (which for me is often the cliche camp).
    -For me the ending is beautiful and feels right and accurate to my experience and I imagine many other peoples.
    -I love the image of the lights on tarmac.
    -Love fights and thefts described as explosions (makes me think of the fireworks left to go off in the middle of my street)
    -Love the comparison of your aggression as a low gas cooker flame (makes me think of a bunsen burner in comparison), nice.

    QUESTIONS
    -Are you planning on keeping these two parts or are there more parts to come? I don’t ask because you necessarily need more it just felt hinted at…
    -Not sure about the title?

    SUGGESTION….

    1. WEAVING THE TWO WORLDS
    -I do wonder if there is a way of weaving these two worlds, I think of At Pegasus by Terrance Hayes (did I talk to you about this before?) https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/pegasus whereby Terrance seamlessly weaves a moment from his childhood from a moment in his present – notice how he sources ALL the verbs from the nightclub giving the childhood interaction a new perspective of intimacy and alludes to a realisation and a shift in perspective in the now. I wonder if you could do something like this here? Maybe source your verbs/nouns or descriptors from your childhood school? And or try a version whereby the two worlds weave in and out rather than having it in 2 sections? Just some things to try really…

    2. SPECIFICITY
    I feel like I want more specificity; what sweets were stolen, what colour was the tarmac (or condition), what kind of dynamite (gun, firework, sparkler), what kind of gas cooker, which star was left under your skin (there are so many different types)… I want to be a bit more immersed in this world.

    Cannot wit to see this move forward – have you thought about performance? I feel like light could play a really nice role in this!

    I hope this helps!
    Debris

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