DAISYS BRAIN

17 Dec

the paradigm of corruption

is written into your thoughts

its written into your clothes

and all the marketed schooling we’ve been taught

there is nlp in words

as they pertain my meaning

thought control in what I aught

as I fight against corruption hit the seal in

ceiling

freedom cant be brought

and it probably should not be sold

as contradiction audits

and does as it is told,

the confusion in all meaning

as there really is no answer wrapped up fed so neatly

nlp of verse

words are magic they complete me

into a being

take my thoughts

into the realms of doing

objects can be fixed

but humans were built to keep renewing.

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3 Responses to “DAISYS BRAIN”

  1. MouthyPoets December 23, 2015 at 12:58 am #

    Hi Daisy, i really like the energy of the poem… here are a few ideas that can maybe expand on what you’ve started… My main piece of feedback is to ‘show’ more…what does ‘Freedom’ look like to you? What is corruption to you- if you give images/examples showing what freedom and corruption looks/feels like the reader may be able to experience the poem on different levels- How have you fought against corruption?- (i know you probably have!) show us, give us an example, maybe give a specific incident to zoom in on- that the poem could pivot around?…Ioney

  2. MouthyPoets January 1, 2016 at 6:02 pm #

    Hi Daisy, I think Ioney makes a good point about imagery to represent corruption and freedom – e.g grotesque metaphors (like pigs in animal farm but your own imagery). Also, I know you mentioned collaborating a little while ago – if you’re interested in doing something for SST10 be that poem wise or in performance/design message me. Katie

  3. MouthyPoets January 7, 2016 at 12:25 pm #

    Hi Daisy,

    So glad you have got something up despite cycling all over the place! Will be really good to see you soon. I really like the rhythm and particularly the end of the this poem both in content and flow however before I got in on feedback it would be good to know…
    -What does ‘nlp’ mean/stand for?
    -Could you summarise what is happening in/ what this poem is about in 5 bullet points for me?
    -What do you want this poem to make your reader/audience feel?

    I just feel like I need to grasp your intent a bit more before I give any feedback.

    See you soon!
    Debris

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