Jeiran SST10 Fisrt Draft

17 Dec

my bed, my docile pet, fairy lights shine draped and hug my lonely

i am curling in on myself, soft with self love.

 

 

the dawn waiting, still hesitating to break

i was something before that moment, it slips my mind now

 

 

how often I want to reach out to that girl, touch her long hair

i want to plant daisies on the path to the truth

 

 

tell her she she will do unspeakable things,

and love, love, will break her so hard,

smash her face first against concrete, marred with road rash

 

 

that her heart will become a sea storm,

sharks even drowning in it’s darkness

 

 

but there will be a beacon

someone will spark a cigarette in the distance

 

 

i want to crawl to that safe haven bed, braid her unknowing hair,

give her youth, and tell her to keep it.

her soft playdough heart, still brilliant

 


This is a mish mash of images  and I bet it’s narrative is a bit all over the place. It’s still a bit raw, so it’ll be more polished on it’s second draft.  Still gearing towards a film, so, there’s that. Jei

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3 Responses to “Jeiran SST10 Fisrt Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets December 28, 2015 at 4:49 pm #

    Hi Jeiran,

    It’s interesting to read you are thinking of a film – this bit of writing does feel quite cinematic to me.

    I like the stream-of-conciousness sense of it.

    I really like that first line, the detail of the fairy lights and ‘docile pet’…

    some of the images or phrases great, eg ‘soft playdough heart’

    For me you’re just scratching the surface here… I want to know more. Who is she? Why does love break her? What does that mean? Whose love? What happens? What is the relationship between the narrator and the girl? How does the narrator feel?… ‘soft with self love’ is nice, but I’d love to go deeper….

    If it’s imaginative then you could try to see a scenario in your head and zoom in on the details. Maybe where they are, what they are doing, saying, hearing, smelling etc… Or if it’s from real life then you could give us more details from the reality, or invent them… So that we really feel ourselves there, in the atmosphere and place and memory…

    If you want it to work more as a sequence of images than a narrative that’s cool too, but again it’d be great to have a bit more detail, more specificity, even if the images don’t follow on from each other – our imaginations can fill in the gaps, but in order for that to happen we still need to get a great sense of the places, we still need detailed images…

    I’d suggest you need to keep writing and see if you can get more material to work with…even if you just write tons of stuff initially, that’ll give you material to whittle down and play with in the editing process…

    Look forward to reading the next draft!

    Hannah

  2. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 1:46 pm #

    Hi Jei,

    I really like this poem, it has some wonderful images and beautifully sounding lines.

    “but there will be a beacon

    someone will spark a cigarette in the distance” I really like this image. It’s the most striking and cinematic line for me.

    When the poem narrator starts addressing what they want for/to do to their younger self there’s a few bits that I thought didn’t make sense. The line I want to plant daisies… it seems that it is referring to the narrator instead of their younger self, which seems odd. Should it be, her path to truth. Also, I don’t know what concrete marred with road rash is and doesn’t the younger girl already have youth, or did she lose it somewhere between the cigarette and the safe haven bed? I love “play-dough heart still brilliant” as an ending.

    I don’t like the nationalization of lonely, but I think that’s due to subjective taste.

    Overall, I think the narrative needs tightening up and i agree with Hannah that a stronger sense of place would improve it. Maybe, grounding the poem at the start with more specificity about the room the narrator is in and perhaps adding a place to the love that breaks the girls heart.

    Excited to see the film for this.

    Jacob

  3. MouthyPoets January 5, 2016 at 6:33 pm #

    Hi Jei,

    Loving this! Interested in why you want it to be a film so badly as I am really enjoying your performance journey and the moment and would love to see you continue to push yourself on stage with this?

    LOVE
    -‘braid her unknowing hair.’ I love the simplicity and impact of this description, perfect.
    -‘her soft playdough heart, still brilliant’ Whatever you do to this poem, keep this ending I love it, I see it in your hand and it is innocent and young and so easily mouldable, dribble, breakable and I want to lick the salt of it off my fingers. Perfect description of innocence, corruption and nostalgia all in one tiny line. Yes Jei.
    -The narrative is actually pretty clear to me – you said you did’t think it was… it feels more like a journey than an explicit narrative but the journey felt clean. If you want a more explicit narrative maybe put more details of things that actually happened?
    -I really like this sleepy world from your bed, like I am half in your bed, half hung over dreaming of who I used to be, half genuinely having and interaction with my past self – it works really well. So the cigarette in the distance is like a real person I can see but it also triggers a light to be drawn on my past self that I am looking at and just like I might want a cigarette and the same time I regret that desire and am drawn to this daydream of previous innocence. It really works for me.
    -Love the description of your bed – yes that is my bed.

    QUESTIONS
    -Why the choice of no capitalisation? To me if it is deliberate it feels like it maybe represents the sleepiness, that lack of emphasis we can have whilst snuggling and everything is warmer, shallower, less loud… Not sure if this is what you were going for? There is also a sense of infancy visually in having no capitals which I quiet like.
    -Not sure what the path of truth is, feels a bit easy.

    SUGGESTIONS
    1. PUNCTUATION AND LAYOUT
    -I wonder if it might be fun to play around with this without any punctuation but instead using the page a bit more? Maybe event some /’s ? I have had a little play, just an idea to add to this sense of innocence the no capital letters is adding?

    my bed my docile pet fairy lights hugging
    my lonely i am curling in on myself soft with self

    love the dawn waiting, still hesitating
    to break i was something before that moment, it slips now

    how often I want to reach that girl touch her long hair
    plant daisies on the path to truth

    tell her she she will do unspeakable things
    and love love love will break her love so hard

    hard smash face first
    concrete marred road rash

    …. This was quiet fun and I started to play with words and double meaning, shape and performance as I was reading it out to myself which you might find fun in terms of building the voice on the page and in performance?

    2. VERBS / WORD CHOICES
    -Feel like you chose some easy words sometimes, would really like to see you put some in a thesaurus and ask them how they could be working harder and tell me more about the relationship between this younger and older you. Some specific words I want to challenge; curling, slips, reach, touch, plant, unspeakable, break, smash, spark, crawl.

    Hope this helps in some way!
    Debris

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