faye- first draft of ‘light’ piece

18 Dec

sorry i’ve posted this late, but i’ve finally finished my first draft. This is what i have so far and will probably need bits tweaking here and there. I can’t think of a title yet though!

You were a demise disguised as a revolution,

But I was foolish to forget looks can deceive.

Secrets far more sinister were set in your bones,

You devour their hope and then you leave.

 

I was captivated by the beauty of your scales,

but failed to remember that you are a beast untamed.

Your fork tongue whispered poison words,

I was a just another soul you have claimed.

 

I saw your halo glint in the flicker of candle light,

blind to the cast of horns that engulfed the wall.

You were a disease that claimed to cure,

so deep in my veins you began to crawl.

 

I’d built my faith but it had started to crumble,

A lamb led to slaughter you led me astray.

I played with fire yet wasn’t prepared to burn,

But now I have grown and will never obey.

 

My ship was sinking into the murky depths,

like a siren you lured and dragged me down.

I struggled and writhed my way back to the surface;

You submerged me once, now I won’t drown.

 

The instant I set eyes on you my fate was promised, 

Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to your light.

The truth had enlightened as much as it pained;

I fear you no longer, I will stand and fight.

 

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6 Responses to “faye- first draft of ‘light’ piece”

  1. Jacob December 19, 2015 at 12:03 pm #

    First of all I really liked the poem, I think it shows really well how through biblical metaphor how a partner can change and turn into someone who brings you down and makes you feel trapped. The line “I was captivated by the beauty of your scales” particularly stood out, I really liked that it could be reptilian scales or weighing scales.

    I thought making the poem more specific to real life and less metaphorical might improve it. The “but” in the first two stanzas seemed like it could be removed. Also the in the second stanza does the person have a tongue that is split like a serpent or a fork for a tongue ?

  2. beccyseaside December 21, 2015 at 6:37 pm #

    Very visual poem. Loved the narrative and the ambivalence of the speaker’s feeling towards the subject. I liked the rhythm created by the sentences but I wonder whether there were some points where you could clarify the image even more by paring down the descriptive adjectives and just simplifying the language — of course then you may lose some of the visual element and the rhythm of your poem, so that may be a matter of personal taste and what you want to do with your poem. Well done 🙂

  3. MouthyPoets December 26, 2015 at 8:14 pm #

    Faye’s poem – Very visual poem. I loved the narrative and the ambivalence of the speaker’s feeling towards the subject. I liked the rhythm created by the sentences but I wonder whether there were some points where you could clarify the image even more by paring down the descriptive adjectives and just simplifying the language — of course then you may lose some of the visual element and the rhythm of your poem, so that may be a matter of personal taste and what you want to do with your poem. Well done 🙂 Beccy S

  4. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 12:52 pm #

    Hey Faye!

    I love the mythological feel/theme!

    I would perhaps suggest exploring this further, maybe finding myths that aren’t as commonly known?

    A lamb led to slaughter you led me astray. – Bit cliche? Can you rephrase this?
    Also maybe with – I played with fire yet wasn’t prepared to burn,

    Your narrative is strong, and your rhythm is amazing 😀

    I think, perhaps as a challenge – try writing this poem without any rhymes? You don’t have to keep that version, but some of the rhymes maybe feel like they’re not the strongest word to be put there, they’re there just to rhyme?

    I think you’re idea is great, I love the mythology as a get in, and your narrative is strong – I think what would make this poem a lot stronger is some more use of specific detail
    – sometimes, the more specific you are, the more the audience/reader is drawn in, whereas generalities can alienate – even though that sounds counter-intuitive 😀

    Really looking forward to seeing where this goes!!!

    Chris

  5. MouthyPoets December 31, 2015 at 1:26 pm #

    Hi Faye,

    Really like the rhythm of this poem, there’s some really strong lines like “I was captivated by the beauty of your scales” and “blind to the cast of horns that engulfed the wall.”

    I think using a biblical/mythical narrative risks being cliché and be a bit of a block to the readers engagement. Perhaps the poem would be improved by entwining myth and real life, so you’d have images of the real life relationship set against biblical images.

    Also, putting the narrative through a different structure might give an interesting alternative.

    I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

    Jacob

  6. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 4:17 pm #

    Hi Faye,

    Thanks so much for getting something up! I know this is your first SST10 so it is a new process and it is great to have you on board.

    I generally split my feedback into things I loved, questions that might help you push the poem forward and suggestions/challenges I think you should try. I would really encourage you to give everything a try, because it generally all helps you learn but ultimately what changes you choose to keep in the poem are totally up to you – you are the poet! If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to let myself or any of Mouthy staff/intern know!

    LOVE
    -I really agree with Jacob in terms of this being really interesting use of biblical language to describe a destructive relationship and I think what kind of relationship is left open in an interesting one.
    -Nice steady use of rhythm throughout.
    -Great to see you using a symmetrical line and stanza length, something a lot of people struggle with.
    -I also really like the double meaning of the scale line.
    -I like like the idea of being submerged in or by someone.
    -The general movement of the narrative from temptation to triumph is an important and empowering one and I think it will bring a really important element to the overall show.

    QUESTIONS
    -Why have you centralisation of the poem? In contemporary poetry it is the tendency to have the poem to the left unless the writer has a specific reason to do otherwise so have a think about how you want people to interact with the poem as soon as they see it on the page (first impressions count)
    -Small practical thing but you have capitalised the beginning of your lines – it is worth knowing that in most contemporary poetry now the tendency is to capitalise in accordance with punctuation rather than at the beginning of the line because it suggests an emphasis which as lot of readers find jarring. … Letting you know these things as it’s something publishers are real sticklers for 🙂
    -Who is ‘they’ in the poem, this felt unclear to me and I wanted more hints.

    SUGGESSTIONS

    1. TITLE
    -If you want a little help on this I made a blog post on it a while ago https://mouthypoets.wordpress.com/2013/01/29/top-5-purposes-of-a-title/

    2. SHOWING VS TELLING // SPECIFICITY
    -To reiterate Jacob on this I would really like some more specific detail as to what this person did and who they are and who the narrator is. I think a good way to inject this would be to challenge some of the cliches that suggest more general statements about the person where we could know something that is only true to them… Some I picked up on..
    -A lamb led to slaughter you led me astray.
    -I played with fire yet wasn’t prepared to burn,
    -My ship was sinking
    -Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to your light.

    How was the narrator a lamb to the slaughter? A child into the boot of a strangers car has a very different connotation to a kitten trapped in a jar or a dementia sufferer trapped in a wet bed. Give me some specific and where possible literal examples of these cliches to tell me more about the narrator and the character – I would love you to do this for each of the cliches I have challenges above.

    So great to see your work and get a sense of your voice, really excited to see where you take this next and also hear you read it!

    Well done,
    Debris

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