Kat SST10 1st Draft

18 Dec

Lighting wise for the poem, I was planning of possibly using a projection of a video as lighting, Anyways the poem:

A conversation.
Renovated concrete
basement and whiskey

“Walking with a friend in the
dark is better than walking alone in the light”

He quotes from his heart
Blood pact dripping from his thoughts
Swirling round the alcohol,
watching him cloaked in a corner,
fingering a bookshelf

You wrap a bandage round your doubts;
he promises Hell
He promises
“The devil is two brothers”
“See,” he clicks,
“God created this world, and it’s hurt
So the lonely man would turn to him,
pining for comfort”
Promises this would be brief

He flicks.
“This book. Haunted, Chuck Palahniuk.
If your whole life was a poem
Onstage, instead of a spotlight,
a movie fragment:
What would it show?”

The estate, the thin birch tree,
Swiss Army knife,
still glittering
Gravel
Carving tracks on that
neighbours garden with
bicycles and swear words
we’d found in the kitchen
Think about two brothers
armed to the teeth with mud
All that damage caused by the loss
Beheaded tulips

“In that light,
God wants you alone on his side
But we don’t need no world,
no light, no Swiss Army knife “

The film shows every disco ball, every CCTV,
every torch
How fragile you were, every weakness
Exposed, flaws lined with
LEDs, you, flicker so uneasily
Bulbs smash, you smash
All electricity, burnt fuses,
glass, wrath Becomes coal, to burn

His stare burns like a
smuggled lighter when you
tried to set your sisters Barbie on fire.
The burn that never stops,
Chinese and twisting,
Big kids in a playground,
missing
Forget to call the ambulance,
listening,
Bedroom doors, grinding,
Smoking, fist in
the gap between the tooth,
dripping,
Nine Inch Nails and a diary page, itching,
Peeled too much skin, “I’m thinking”

“Pay attention to me, God
Created this world for us to need him,
everything in it But two brothers could shun it
Forget the spotlight, we could make the film great”

His words leave pinpricks in your calluses,
You sit peeling
Scuffing boots till the leather peels off like plastic burning
Picking fabric till the thread peels off like grenade pins
Biting thick skin till the blood, swells, stinging silently
He swears “this is destiny
Big, unfathomable, necessary”
He swears “we’d make the dark our own

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5 Responses to “Kat SST10 1st Draft”

  1. MouthyPoets December 19, 2015 at 6:45 pm #

    I love your staging idea and there’s some really interesting lines.
    Personally, I felt like the start was strong and I was really in the poem with you up until about ‘he promises hell’ and then I got a bit confused about the narrative. Katie

  2. beccyseaside December 21, 2015 at 6:50 pm #

    I saw you read this on Friday before I read it on here so that may have affected my reading of it.
    With my page poem head on, I think of how you read the poem and how you gave a clear feeling of two voices ( or perhaps one external and one internal voice), and I wonder if there’s any way you want to represent those two distinct voices on the page through playing with structure, lineation and punctuation etc. Not saying ‘do this’! just that it could be an interesting element of your poem to play with. Love the images, they come through just as clearly from reading as from hearing this. I also still get the sense of sifting through memories which I think I commented on on Friday.
    Beccy.

  3. MouthyPoets December 26, 2015 at 8:16 pm #

    Kat – I saw you read this on Friday before I read it on here so that may have affected my reading of it.

    With my page poem head on, I think of how you read the poem and how you gave a clear feeling of two voices ( or perhaps one external and one internal voice), and I wonder if there’s any way you want to represent those two distinct voices on the page through playing with structure, lineation and punctuation etc. Not saying ‘do this’! just that it could be an interesting element of your poem to play with.

    Love the images, they come through just as clearly from reading as from hearing this. I also still get the sense of sifting through memories which I think I commented on on Friday. Beccy S

  4. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 11:41 pm #

    Hi Kat!

    You have some really powerful lines which I like – wrap a bandage round your doubts, behaded tulips, flaws lined with LEDs. Love the references to light too, so definitely covered the theme!

    I got a little confused with the direction/narrative, from when it goes to his speech to the verse “the estate, the thin birch tree”, and then same again with the verse “The film shows every disco ball, every CCTV..”
    I don’t know if this is intentional/if you are performing it a certain way though. I do like both those verses a lot so I wouldn’t say take them out or anything, but I would maybe say making them link and flow a little better

    Charlie

  5. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 4:41 pm #

    Hi Kat,

    Really nice interesting piece, I remember from the session you said you were having a conversation with yourself? I am still not sure that is clear or if you want it to be but if you haven’t of said that I wouldn’t have known – just flagging this up! Otherwise I really enjoy it, really interesting use of ideas and language balanced with quiet huge philosophical on takings. Really excited to see this grow!

    LOVE
    -The clarity, brave and economy of the first stanza although I kind of want to know what brand of Whiskey as that would give me a sense of the tone of the people and the place.
    -I love the idea of renovated concrete, brilliant phrase!
    -The estate, the thin birch tree,
    Swiss Army knife,
    still glittering
    Gravel … Brilliant specificity and flair of language.
    -I LOVE THE DETAIL AND TONE AND SURPRISE OF THIS STANZA…
    Carving tracks on that
    neighbours garden with
    bicycles and swear words
    we’d found in the kitchen
    Think about two brothers
    armed to the teeth with mud
    All that damage caused by the loss
    Beheaded tulips
    -‘Scuffing boots till the leather peels off like plastic burnin’ beautiful sensory image.
    -Really strong use of language and play throughout

    QUESTIONS
    -Inconsistent capitalisation
    -Who is actually in this poem and what do each of them represent and how do they relate to each other? Could you make a little make and make sure it is clear in your head then go through the text and ask yourself is it clear to my reader who thesis?
    -What film, I got a bit lost here?
    -I really like the ending but I am not sure I get it… I think maybe if (as I elaborate on in my feedback below) there is more clarity that enables me to follow what is happening I might be clearer on that by the end. It feels powerful but I am not yet fully sure why.

    SUGGESTIONS

    FORM. Prose Poem? Very surreal in content and in register but I want the transactions between them to be a little clearer so I am not confused about things like who is talking and when if that makes sense? I had a little go at it and it became really clear to me which elements where getting me lost in detail and imagery rather than focusing on the interactions and intent between the characters… e.g.

    A conversation. Renovated concrete. Basement and whiskey. He says, “Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” Swirling round his alcohol, cloaked in a corner and fingering a bookshelf, I watch him.

    … I could only edit up to this point because then I get a bit confused about who ‘you’ is and who the lonely man is and I didn’t want to edit under any assumptions. My feeling is if you go through this process it will also help you cut out a lot from this piece, there is so much amazing stuff in there I think you need to be brave in cutting to give the best details space to breathe and land with the reader/audience.

    Well done!

    Debris

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