1st draft I have decided Raisa ss10

20 Dec

I was looking for the light

but it didn’t want to shine
I looked far into the distance
I saw nothing but grey clouds
heard nothing but my own
body
I was searching for the light
thought the darkest nights of my
life
yes I said dark
 I screamed inside  my head
 bashed the
insides of my mind
like another little
man was living deep inside
of me
taking control
of my life
I stood before my own reflection
in the mirror
asking myself
why did this have to happen.
why did I drain out my sorrows
emptying out my sleeves
in order to save others
if this is what Christ did
then kill me know
before I had to
before I had to
all
of me I gave
keep giving
keep leaving
whilst its piling up
on my head
plants are taking roots in my
brain
connecting my feet to ground me
I cant think
my tears are not accepted
 as the reality of human suffering
but taken for granted as a sign of weakness
my offerings
 my time
 is taken like  food
selfishly grabbed
from the buffet
all you can eat style restaurant.
I forgotten how to grow up
and look after myself
whilst I was
trying
 to put my infant soon to be adolescent arms
around a number of generations ahead of me.
I forgot that I should of let go
I didn’t no how to
my conscience took everyone else side
but mine.
I would like a video but want it to be dark and gloomy not sure how I would do this but seem to want something secluded and dismal. almost Gothic looking. I also like my homeless poem I have posted earlier if anyone has read this I may mix the two up abit. I will need to start looking at this poem and filming. any ideas of filming or clips that anyone has ? also would like my voice to be slow and a lil backing track of music behind my voice any help please help me x.
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5 Responses to “1st draft I have decided Raisa ss10”

  1. MouthyPoets December 20, 2015 at 3:49 pm #

    Hey Raisa, interesting read….

    Here are some videos of poetic monologues that remind me of yours/your idea and voice in this poem. I think it would work greatly as a close up shot most of the time and may flash occasionally but check these out.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq3UNYwKkWY – This is the ‘Sorry’ monologue from a choreopoem. This is recited by Janet Jackson and makes the shot seem like the person being told the story is actually present in the shot.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKbU-J1QAzc – this is another variation of it done by some actress.

    There is music in both but it gives way to the poem too. If you really want the music as well, please fb message me.

    “I saw nothing but grey clouds, heard nothing but my own body”- powerful line.

    Dee

  2. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

    Hey Raisa!

    I really like this!

    I think the short lines create a powerful effect, but would just say maybe make sure each line is working really hard if they’re all so short 😀

    Could you take out the line ‘in the mirror’ – i think it would still work, and be more punchy?

    ‘the reality of human suffering’ – I’m not sure about this bit? is there a different way to word it?

    Buffet – super metaphor! could you sue food in other places to have one theme running through the whole poem?

    And the video sounds v cool 😀

    Cracking Stuff 😀

    Chris

  3. MouthyPoets December 30, 2015 at 10:02 pm #

    Hi Raisa, really like the line “my time is taken like food” and the conciseness of the lines my offerings/my time/selfishly grabbed work really well to convey meaning in this poem.

    Where you say “I saw nothing but grey clouds, heard nothing but my own
    body” is there a way that you could connect the two somehow to create a stronger image here?

    You could possibly look at breaking up some of the lengthier lines in this poem in line with other parts of it to give more impact – I think this would work better for performance.

    This line “why did I drain out my sorrows, emptying out my sleeves…to save others”, as well as the part about you time being taken like food, gives a very concrete sense of selflessness in this piece.

    Hope this is useful, look forward to seeing you perform this piece
    Bree 🙂

  4. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 1:48 pm #

    Hi Raisa

    So glad to see some poems up from you and I am really enjoying them especially this one in juxtaposition with the homeless piece as the two have really different and interesting tones and use of language, I can’t wait to see them come together. To me the homeless piece seems a bit more developed in terms of message and language so I will focus on specific feedback on this one but also general feedback in terms of bringing the two pieces together.

    LOVE
    -‘heard nothing but my own body’ I love this idea and often it is so true when we are in pain or exhausted.
    -‘My tears are not accepted’ Again, so true and universal yet specific.
    -My time is taken like food selfishly grabbed from the buffet all you can eat style restaurant.’ Brilliant simile.
    -I forgotten how to grow up
    and look after myself
    whilst I was
    trying… It feels like this is at the core of the poem, this sense of things never being enough and it being such a struggle to understand ourselves and be an adult/build a home/become independent in such a ruthless world.
    -‘my conscience took everyone else side
    but mine.’ … I feel like this is such an important point for so many people (but especially young women who don’t have the courage to believe in themselves).

    SUGGESTIONS/ CHALLENGES

    1. YES TO HOMELESS POEM
    -Definitely combine this poem and the homeless one. I would suggest printing them out and cutting the up and reordering them intertwined without being scared to remove big sections of either. I think there is a real strength in using the character of a homeless person to highlight the struggle of being a young mother working out who you are and building an identity! Cannot wait to see this mashup unfold.

    … There are a few other things I want to play with especially in terms of line and stanza breaks but I think you need to get the 2 poems together first then we can work on that!

    Well done – cannot wait to hear more, hopefully see you in Mouthy very soon!
    Debris

  5. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 2:17 pm #

    Thankyou for all of my feed back guys this has brought emotions to me. its like wow! you really talk to me I am becoming more aware and understanding of feed back and of how poetry works on page. I have also been learning more and reading more and more poetry. wow I am definatly taking all of these comments into account and recreating my piece.
    Raisa xx

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