Riyan, poem draft

2 Jan

his chiseled face, and his sandy hair, his big bold lips and his lasting stare, are the things that I remember most, but only because he would boast- about them all the time, he turned to me and said “girl you’re fine!” Id look deep in his eyes and search for a meaning, I thought I’d found one but I was just dreaming, for what I had thought was a deep mysterious ocean was nothing but a shallow puddle with no emotion. To you they were drawn, like bees to a flower, your beauty was your only power, but eventually they’d come to see that your honey wasn’t so sweet

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One Response to “Riyan, poem draft”

  1. MouthyPoets January 4, 2016 at 11:29 am #

    Hi Riyan,

    Great to finally read some of your work! I know this is your first show, I am not sure how familiar you are with the feed backing process, I usually split mine up into things I love, questions to help you push the poem forward and suggestions of ways you can make it better. I would suggest trying everything but ultimately what you take and leave is totally up to you! Really enjoyed this, can’t wait to see where you take it next…

    LOVE
    -the description of a mans lips as bold, it feels an unusual description and to me it suggests he is as outspoken as he is beautiful but there is also an element/undertone of femininity in the language that I really enjoy.
    -I love the twist in ‘but only beacause he would boast about them all the time’ because you set me up for an admiring love poem from a women and then my expectation is satisfyingly flipped to really it being his own ego in a way.
    -‘I thought I had found one’… it would be easy to say ‘the one’ but it would also be a cliche, just saying ‘one’ suggests the narrator is wise enough to be looking for an individual of quality rather than some idiolised destiny… throughout this poem you are making me really like the wisdom and bluntness of this seemingly young and tempted narrator.
    -‘for what I had thought was a deep mysterious ocean was nothing but a shallow puddle with no emotion’ – great use of water, and again flipping a cliche into something more nuanced and original.
    -The use of traditional rhyme hear really works as you keep contradicting it within the content.

    QUESTIONS
    -In that last image of the bees I feel like you are unfinished there, like there is a story about what he did to those other people (and who are they) what did he actually do to you that I want more facts about, I like the use of metaphor and expected imagery but I want to know more action like when you tell me about his boasting. Can you give me more here?
    -Is there a reason you have chosen not to capitalise the first word?

    SUGGESTIONS/ CHALLENGES
    1.FORM – Is there a specific reason you have gone with the prose poem format i.e without line breaks? I actually quiet like it because the poem itself feels like it sets up a tradition to break it and it also hides the very explicit rhyme. It might be worth looking at this quick 1 minute lecture on prose poetry to see if you could take on a few more elements of the form in the piece – http://rogerrobinsononline.com/1-minute-lecture-on-prose-poems/

    2. WORD CHOICES – I think sometimes you are choosing the most apparent word or rhyming word, it would be interesting to see if you could push yourself to choose words that are a working a bit harder and maybe are a bit more unexpected to paint a more specific picture of the narrator and the person she is talking about. I have had a play with a thesaurus and the start of your piece to give you an example…

    His rigid face, and his sugary hair, his daring lips and his persistent stare…

    -Can you see how the characters are gaining more texture from using the slightly less (but still not massively less) stereotypical language of a love poem?

    3. SPECIFICITY. I want to know more about these characters and what is happening – who they are, what happened, what they wear, what they smell like. Just a bit more chosen details to tell me more – not loads but bits and bobs. But I think if you address all of the above, hopefully this should happen naturally.

    Let me know if you have any questions, really enjoyed reading this and I can’t wait to hear it!

    Debris

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