Anne SST10 draft 2

6 Jan

So here’s my current draft – it is written as 2 voices. I think I’d like to try it with someone else speaking the words in italics and me doing the main text.

I’d also like to play with lighting , for example where they say ‘cue ‘ like we’re lighting a set for a film maybe. It would be really cool to have some kind of effect for the star gazing at the end but not sure what’s available in the Neville? Maybe do a torch kind of thing like Jess did at Arvon?

Timing looks to be around 2 minutes.

Feedback? Yes please.

What’s it about. How does it make you feel? Anything you don’t understand? Language used? I really want this to be clean and uncluttered, no flowery, twiddly stuff. Fact-like.

Pace – I intend it to speed up as it goes through – does this come across on the page? Formatting is hard to do on WordPress – anybody know how to undo double spacing?

Meteor Shower

 It started with a leg of Welsh lamb

from the ‘organic’ farm shop

from the farm shop

and potatoes

potatoes, and cooking times

the boys at the pub

no harm in that

and us joining them

our holiday too

we’d not stopped all day

so stop for a drink

quick half

oak casked

no phone in pocket

no signal

a message relayed by a child

who wouldn’t join in

 went off in a huff

again

 guilt

oak casked

leave the drink

cue duty

back up the hill

heart banging

cue crying

breathe

cue crying

questions

denial

door slamming

cue anger

black

tears

is this my fault?

lamb’s spoiled

lamb’s fine

 

retreat out the back

out-loud wailing

hands stroking

leave me alone

platitudes whispered

“we’re all here for you

 like a choke-hold

I know

is this as good as it can be?

 

palms out

to keep them from stroking

need to be lone

 dinner is spoiling

it’s not about the lamb

 hot salt face

cold air

cold helps

compose

cold is real

release

let arms hold

cue responsibility

 coaxed back inside

pretend to eat

act normal

 act normal

Later, outside, he saw a star shoot across the sky. Come and see, he called and we all went back outside, and saw, and it was the best we could possibly be.

 

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3 Responses to “Anne SST10 draft 2”

  1. MouthyPoets January 7, 2016 at 11:42 am #

    Hey Anne! (From opposite you in the office)

    I really enjoyed this – I really struggle with this kind of layout and I think you have used it to great effect with some really crisp sensory stuff joined with clear character movement. I think it is totally worth working on irrelevant of SST or not 🙂

    REQUESTED FEEDBACK

    How does it make you feel?
    -Tense, like I want to understand these people and what they need and what they want. I feel like I want to push them closer together and make them hear each other because they both seem to need someone to listen. By the end I am happy they have gotten something beautiful (they seem like they deserve it, they work so hard) but I also feel concerned about what will happen after as this won’t make everything better.

    Pace on the page
    -It actually got slower for me towards the end rather than faster but that might be my mind. Might be worth getting a few other people to read it out with no instruction and see what happens.

    LOVE
    -The subtly comedy of the interaction between the two characters e.g.
    from the ‘organic’ farm shop’ – ‘from the farm shop’ // ‘lamb’s spoiled’ – ‘lamb’s fine’
    -Subtle turns of music – e.g. quick half/ oak casked, ‘cue crying’,
    -Nice slightly unexpected yet familiar turns of phrase; ‘heart banging’
    -The repetition of ‘cue’ with different pairings
    -“we’re all here for you” / like a choke-hold – the unexpected movement of this is astounding and felt like it grabbed me by the throat as a reader.
    -The layout works really well for me in terms of clarity of who is saying what and how I can flow through the piece.
    -Overall really uncluttered, clean and clear – fact like, just as you want it.
    -I feel like I understand the intention of the piece and get all the images you draw out.

    QUESTIONS
    -Any thoughts on who would play the other person?
    -Are you going to say breathe or actually breathe?

    SUGGESTIONS/ CHALLENGES
    -I kind of want to see the denial in the dialogue or action rather than be told it in an abstract noun. Can you expand here? Door slamming also feels a bit easy.
    -‘platitudes whispered’ can you make this clear through behaviour and a bit more dialogue rather than telling me? Or is it important that I know this is that characters opinion rather than seeing it in the behaviour myself?
    -I kind of want ‘pretend to eat’ to be the end somehow? I don’t think you need ‘act normal’, pretend to eat does that but better.
    -Not sure about the 2 lines at the end, again I kind of want to see what you are telling me a bit more – how is it the best you can possibly be? I love the image and the idea but I kind of want it to stay with the lay out and show me the images of what your saying then maybe go back to pretending just a little as it feels too idealised at the moment.
    -Tiny things you could cut/pair down; ‘in pocket’, ‘ went off in a huff’ could be ‘huffed off’.

    Hope this helps!
    D x

  2. MouthyPoets January 7, 2016 at 2:04 pm #

    Hey Anne!

    Meteor Shower

    It started with a leg of Welsh lamb
    -yes! that’s how you start a poem! 😀

    Is this format being used to show past and present? or a narrative/inner voice? I’m not sure it’s clear, but it works super well as two voices.

    from the ‘organic’ farm shop

    from the farm shop

    and potatoes

    potatoes, and cooking times

    -because you’re repeating, i think jsut make sure it’s still engaging, even it that’s in an engaging about everyday stuff kind of way

    the boys at the pub

    no harm in that

    and us joining them

    our holiday too

    -great, really getting some narrative and some inner voice here

    we’d not stopped all day

    so stop for a drink

    quick half
    oak casked
    – great half rhyme

    no phone in pocket

    no signal

    a message relayed by a child

    who wouldn’t join in

    – I’m a bit confused by this bit? I don’t know what it means, or if I’m supposed to know? It seems like the first part of poem is set in the past, and this brings up to the present perhaps, but not very clear?

    went off in a huff
    again
    guilt

    – off in a huff looks great on the page! Look at those f’s ! 😀
    Not sure about saying the word guilt though?

    oak casked
    leave the drink
    cue duty
    back up the hill
    heart banging
    cue crying
    breathe
    cue crying
    questions
    denial
    door slamming
    cue anger
    black
    tears
    is this my fault?

    -i can really see this on stage speeding up, think it’s brilliant

    lamb’s spoiled
    lamb’s fine
    – i think i can see what you’re doing here, and it’s super clever, jsut maybe a little bit more clearer than ‘fine’ – or, if you put it in italics, gives it some attitude?

    retreat out the back
    out-loud wailing
    hands stroking
    leave me alone
    platitudes whispered
    “we’re all here for you”
    like a choke-hold
    I know
    is this as good as it can be?

    – i think the word platitudes here is a bit jarring – feels like a poet-y word, whereas the rest of the poem feels conversational, i think?
    like a chokehold is v gd
    is this as good as it can be – reads a little clunky?

    palms out

    to keep them from stroking

    need to be lone

    – i don’t know if this is a typo or deliberate, but i love it! need to be lone – great

    dinner is spoiling

    it’s not about the lamb

    hot salt face

    cold air

    cold helps

    compose

    cold is real

    release

    let arms hold

    cue responsibility

    coaxed back inside

    pretend to eat

    act normal

    act normal

    Later, outside, he saw a star shoot across the sky. Come and see, he called and we all went back outside, and saw, and it was the best we could possibly be.

    – i love the change in format in the last line
    – the best we could possibly be – could this be a bit stronger? i love what it says, but maybe too ‘end of poem-y’ ?

    Questions

    How much narrative do you want the audience to get? I think there is definitely a narrative within this poem, but maybe some more physical small details would hook readers in more – for instance, what colour is the lamb? pink and undercooked? What’s the pub like? What does the ale taste/smell like/ who’s in the bar? These are jsut suggestions, but maybe a bit more concrete detail would serve as a hook to bring people into the poem?

    You’ve gone for super short lines, which I think is great for this piece – can you thesaurus the words you use, and construct some to say more than one thing, even if that isn’t clear in performance? (like what I think you’ve done with the lamb)

    In some places, the voice on the right has a very distinct, almost sarcastic tone, whereas in others (particularly second half of the poem) it drops that, and sounds very like the first voice, just continuing the thought – maybe take both sections and seperate them on two different documents, work on them individually in terms of voice, then bring them back together?

    This is bloody brilliant, Holloway, and I think it will be amazing on stage – super looking forward to see it!

    Chris

  3. MouthyPoets January 9, 2016 at 12:54 pm #

    Hi Anne! I’ve really roughly read through Deb’s and Chris’ comments, so I hope I’m not repeating too much-

    Firslty, LOVED the first line – so different and unexpected, and sets up a really good opening image.
    For the second line, I’d put “from the farm shop” before “from the organic farm shop” because then it almost sounds like the italics is correcting the normal text, like a person or an inner thought (I’ve written more about that further down)

    Love the little side comments that the italics seem to be making: the “no harm in that”, the “”so stop for a drink”…

    It really felt like a story to me, and the pacing was really good -although, in my head I didn’t really feel it speeding up, instead just staying at the same pace, but that might have been just the way I read it. I did struggle a bit with HOW to read it, especally as the sentences and words got shorter and shorter, but I would really love to see the way you perform it as I think it’ll look completely different to how it looks on the page

    But the two different voices – I really liked the way you did this. I read it in two different ways:
    1- the italics were the inner monologue of the normal text, and they were sort of thoughts she was having whilst talking normal
    2- there were two characters, one like a mother and one another family member, maybe a child. for me it felt like this especially in the part where they seem to be having a conversation where one of them is crying – and it also reminded me of my mum and i, how sometimes I’ll chip in to her stories (“From the farm shop – the organic farm shop”)

    A suggestion for the way you perform it – maybe you could have you (as the ‘normal text’) facing and talking directly to the audience, and then the ‘italics’ could be someone facing and talking to you (so side-on to the audience) – in a sense like these little side comments are directed at you.

    hope I’ve managed to write that clear enough! – really loved it:)
    Charlie

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